Sweetie, this is Jerome. He’s my lover. He’s a real man, and I love him deeply. I bet that’s quite a surprise, isn’t it, sweetie? I bet you feel pretty foolish, huh? I bet you’re regretting the events of the last two years, aren’t you, honey? You remember? Two years ago when I told you I didn’t like men anymore? You were so pathetic. Instead of letting me go, you offered to become a girl. I didn’t know what to say. I was clearly lying, but you seemed to jump at the chance to transition. It was Jerome’s idea to encourage you and see how far you’d go. That’s right, princess, I’ve been seeing Jerome for two years. I tried to leave you gently, but you insisted on destroying your manhood just to stay with me. None of it was my idea. The hormones, the boob job, the wardrobe change, your cosmetology courses, your new job as a makeup artist, the electrolysis, your facial surgery, the Botox, your lip fillers, your piercings, the bbl, the orchiectomy, coming out to your friends and family, legally changing your name and gender: it was all you! You were never really Evan, you’ve been Emily, all along. This is clearly who you wanted to be. I stood by you, but I never suggested anything. Well congratulations, Emily, you are a beautiful woman, now. I don’t like women, I like real, manly men. You weren’t man enough two years ago, and you definitely aren’t man enough now, girlfriend. You look gorgeous in that little pink dress and your white heels, though, baby. You really got all dolled up and came to this restaurant for my birthday party, huh, princess? Well, it’s not my birthday party, it’s my engagement party. Jerome proposed to me last month while you were in the hospital getting your balls removed. I know it’s all a giant shock, but I suggest you roll with it. You’re already here, and you look super cute. You might as well enjoy the party. I’d love to tell everyone that you’ll be my maid of honor at the wedding. You don’t even have to be alone, babygirl. Jerome’s son Michael is your age, and he said you look adorable. He can be your date tonight! Here he comes, now! Michael! Doesn’t Emily look pretty?
