For about a year now I've been struggling with addiction. I never, ever considered the possibility in this timeline until I nearly became homeless this morning.
Marijuana is not as addictive as harder drugs but once you develop a dependency on anything it's near impossible to stop. I'm part of that 30% of the population that found/is finding out that they have a problem and they need to admit it. I need to admit it. I am addicted to marijuana.
Not only that, but... To starving myself as well. I don't think I've ever posted a full-body photo on here but, since the turn of 2018 I've rapidly dropped weight from nearly 200 lbs to, well... I'm not sure. I think I'm in the 150's now. Maybe less. I stopped going to therapy and they were monitoring my weight and that was the only way I knew. But I know its a lot because everyone has gone from "wow, you look great!" to "you're not trying hard drugs™, are you?" I became so obsessed with my physical appearance and how much I weighed that I stopped doing everything else I used to love. Art, music, all of it. I haven't drawn in months. I started a thinspo sideblog and assumed the name "Alice" to throw people off my trail. In recent weeks I've deleted that blog and started posting on an old Instagram account I revived so I could show off my makeup and silently beg for validation from behind the screen.
I honestly don't think I've ever hated myself more in my life. It's an endless plague of angry screaming in my head.
Last week in a manic fit I destroyed my only sketchbook. I spent nearly $100 on a wacom tablet that I've used only a handful of times and left to gather dust a month before.
From here on out I'm going to be going to outpatient meetings and back to therapy. I want to take this opportunity to apologize to everyone, not only those of you whom I know in real life, but all of you who for some reason have kept following this blog despite a really severe lack of promised content. I'm sorry.
I'm trying to pick myself up again. I'm trying as hard as I can. Even though... I honestly feel like I'd be better off dead.
annaxmalina
turnnoffyourmind
baratheonpilled
yousharknotpass
