Paskalin | Part 3
M A S T E R L I S T Avatar Masterlist Part One Part Two
angst | neteyam x navi!reader w.c | 3.7k summary | Neteyam is beginning to realize the more you visit him, the more both of you hurt. You're not moving on, you're being held back and Neteyam is preparing to say goodbye. Permanently this time.
Part 4 will be the last part to this extremely sad mini-series btw :)
Song Na'vi Dictionary
Days passed by in a blur, you continued to see Ta’kan, despite everything inside you screaming about how wrong it was. Neteyam kept pushing you towards Ta’kan but you knew he was really just trying to push you away from him. That he wanted you to accept his death, and to stop going to the Cove of Ancestors. To stop visiting the Tree of Spirits. To stop seeing him. To move on. All Neteyam ever did was put his family's needs above his own, to be the best brother. The perfect son. The man who protects his yawne. If he had thought of himself more, he would be here. If he had put his foot down and told you to escape with Tsireya and Tuk, he would still be here. If you had escaped when he told you to, he wouldn’t have had to shield you from the gunfire. He wouldn’t have gotten shot. He would still be here.
Lo’ak blames himself, but that’s because you never told anybody that Neteyam’s death was your fault.
You know what he would say if you told him how you feel. You know he would tell you he’s not a prrnen, that he can make his own decisions. That you are not responsible for the choices he makes, but you know the truth. You know if you had listened then he wouldn’t have had to make the choice that led to his death. The bullet should’ve hit you instead. It haunts you. Every moment you’re with Ta’kan, with the Sully’s or alone on the beach. It even haunts your dreams.
“No, yawne I need you to go with Tsireya and Tuk. Please, let us handle this. We will get Spider and I promise I will come back to you.” Neteyam urges, Lo’ak nervously glancing around the corner and waving for Neteyam to hurry. You wouldn’t budge, ever since the Sky People took you, Lo’ak, Kiri, Spider, and Tuk hostage he has been telling you to stay back. Stay at home. Stay where it’s safe, to let him handle it.
“I thought we were a team! Your Father never tells your Mother to stay back. They fight together, as one. Are we not one?” You snap, looking into his eyes so he knows you mean it.
“Of course we are, it’s just…it’s not safe.” He says again, desperation in his tone. You shake your head, stepping closer to him.
“If you must go into gunfire, then I will go with you. We move, we breathe, we fight as one.” You snap before following Lo’ak into the ship. Neteyam has a sick feeling turning in his gut, but he follows you after Lo’ak anyway.
Your dream changes, everything else passing by like memories flowing through water. When your vision clears again, you’re standing just before the moonpool, when you hear it. The explosive sound of bullets being fired in rapid succession. Your head whips to the wide, watching helplessly as a spray of bullets cut through the air towards you. You don’t move, you don’t scream, you don’t do anything. You accept your fate. If this is how it must end, then you can only hope that Neteyam is not watching. Time slows, your heart and breathing slow. You’re prepared to feel the pain of Sky Metal ripping through flesh. You’re ready.
But then a flash of blue catches your eyes, and you hear his voice- and it feels like your gut drops heavy with lead.
“No, Na’ari move!”
It’s Neteyam. Before you can process anything you’re knocked into the water, reaching for him, watching with horror in your eyes as a bullet rips right through his center. There were hundreds of bullets, all missing their mark. All except one. Just one. One that was meant for you. Neteyam falls into the water, blood flowing like water out of him. His life force slipping away. Blood from his front, from his back, covering his hands as he struggles to keep his head above water. Blood rushes in your ears, you see his lips moving, you can’t hear him. You can’t hear anything other than the thundering of your heart as you suddenly find yourself on the rocks. Unsure how you got here. Blindly pulling Neteyam to shore, making sure he doesn’t hit his head.
Your hands are reaching for him, cupping his cheeks. He’s gasping, coughing, choking on his blood as his skin pales. Jake and Neytiri sit at his sides, you’re kneeling next to Jake. Smoothing your hand over his hair. Neteyam looks over at you, wordless but he watches you with open eyes.
“Paskalin-” His voice cuts out. His pupils blow wide. His last breath leaves his lungs. His skin begins to grey. You think you hear someone screaming but you can’t tell. His eyes are unblinking. He is unmoving. You still hear screaming. You only just realize it’s you that’s screaming. You feel lips against your head, it’s Jake. He tells you to wait here. You’re still screaming. Screaming as Lo’ak leaves you. Screaming blindly into the air, holding his hands. Pressing your ear to his chest even though you know his heart stopped. Screaming for Eywa to give him back, to take you instead.
You wake with a start, a cold sweat running down your temples and your back as you throw yourself out of your nivi. Your heart is racing and your cheeks are wet with tears. You clutch your chest as a sob threatens to break through. You stumble out of the kelku and towards the shore. You’re trembling, shaking so violently you almost can’t walk. You collapse into the sand, crying into your palms until your throat burns and your lungs scream for air.
“Bad dream?” You hear Lo’ak’s voice as he lowers himself to the sand next to you. You lean into his space as soon as he settles, your head against his shoulder as his head rests on yours. The tears are drying on your cheeks. You nod, watching Lo’ak begin to make a drawing in the sand. It’s of an Ikran. You recognize it, it’s Seze- Neteyam’s Ikran. You can tell it’s her by a very specific pattern on her nose. Your heart breaks again when you think of the grief she must be feeling. The confusion she must feel with Neteyam gone. He named her after Neytiri’s first Ikran, who bravely gave her life in the first major battle against the Sky People.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks softly, he can feel the shaking of your body subsiding. Can see the flow of tears stopping. Lo’ak made a promise to himself that day he finally got you out of your nivi. He promised himself that he would look after you the way Neteyam would. That he would make sure you eat, get out of the kelku, dry your tears. It’s his fault Neteyam cannot take care of you anymore.
You’re silent. How can you tell Lo’ak it was you who took Neteyam? Neteyam was shielding you from gunfire, he took the bullet so you didn’t have to. He sacrificed himself to save you. The burden Lo’ak carries is not his, it’s yours.
“I think you should. You can tell me. I will listen.” Lo’ak’s voice is soft, the way it is when he talks to Tsireya. He’s gentle with his movements, gentle with how he wraps a slow arm around you. Gentle with how he turns you to look at him. Gentle with how he looks at you. Gentle with how he takes your hand, giving you the space and time to tell him. Your eyes go glassy again as your fingers curl around his tightly. You reach for his pinky, the 4th finger he detests so much.
“It was about that night, Lo'ak. The night we lost Neteyam. It…it was my fault.” You whisper, emotion swelling hot in your throat making it hard to breathe. His head tilts to the side, confusion and sadness evident in his expression.
“No, Na’ari it was me who made us go back for Spider. I was-”
“He shielded me, Lo’ak. Someone fired at us. Neteyam covered me with his body so he would take the bullets. If I wasn’t there, he wouldn’t have needed to shield anybody. It was me.” You cut him off, and instead of seeing anger like you expected- you saw sympathy. Normally you hate sympathy, hate the sad looks you get from Na’vi who could never understand the depth of your loss. But you know Lo’ak does, he might be the only one who truly, deeply understands the pain and responsibility you feel. He takes both of your hands.
“You wouldn’t have been shot at if I didn’t make us go back for Spider. So let's just say it was both of our faults. Have you talked to Neteyam about this? I have…and he made me feel better about it.” Lo’ak said softly.
“What…did he say?” You ask hesitantly. Lo’ak smiles, just a small quirk of his lip.
“That it wasn’t my fault. He will say the same to you. You know how he hates being treated like a prrnen.” Lo’ak comments and you can’t fight the small laugh that escapes your lips. Lo’ak stands to walk you to your ilu, Se’ayl and you follow behind him.
“Thank you. Sometimes I feel like you’re the only person I can talk to.” You admit quietly, and you see the smile bloom on his face.
“I see you, always.” He says, bumping you with his shoulder. You bump him back.
***
Your vision clears as you connect your kuru to the Tree, and this time you find yourself on the beach at dusk. You’re not sure if you pick the memory, or if Neteyam does. You listen to the lapping of the water, soft and wet against the sand. The breeze is refreshing, and everything around you feels serene and peaceful. You feel a warmth against your back, and you smile as you lean back into his space. Neteyam’s thumbs reach up to trace over dried tear marks on your cheeks. You turn to face him, leaning up on your toes to press your lips against his.
“So, what story do you have for me today yawne?” He asks, lowering to the beach and you sit next to him in the sand. You lean against him, relishing in the feeling of his lips pressing kisses into your hair.
“I had a nightmare, woke me up in the night. I couldn’t sleep. Lo’ak found me on the beach.” You start, Neteyam hums.
“What was it about?” He asks softly, his lips finding your shoulder and presses kisses as he makes his way to your neck. It was very distracting.
“You. About when…when you died.” You stammer and Neteyam pauses. In all the times you’ve come to visit, you had never spoken to him about his death directly.
“I don’t remember it yawne.” He admits, and your breath stutters. He can feel your body freeze.
“Go on.” He urges, resuming his trail of kisses. He knows feeling him can help you relax, that his touch brings calm to you.
“How much has Lo’ak told you?” You ask, Neteyam thinks for a moment.
“I know I was shot. That we went back for Spider, and I got shot.” He says and it doesn’t surprise you that Lo’ak was so vague.
“It’s more than that. Things Lo’ak didn’t know because I never told him. Tey-” Tears cut you off, and Neteyam halts his kisses to turn you and bundle you in his arms. He holds you against his chest, rocking you softly as tears flow from your eyes again.
“Go on yawne. I am here to listen. Always.” He mumbles softly.
“It was my fault you got shot. He was firing at me. You shielded me, and you told me to leave with Tuk. Told me to escape. I chose to go with you. I got you shot, it was me-” You begin to blubber as the sobs take over. Neteyam rocks you, shushing you as he does and letting you feel the warmth of his skin.
“You and Lo’ak are just the same. So quick to blame yourselves for a choice I made. I may not remember what happened, but I do know that if I died to save you, it was absolutely worth it. That I regret nothing.” Neteyam says with certainty. You sit up, leaning into his space as you wrap your arms around his neck.
***
You walk down the beach with Ta’kan, still going on these little dates with him to appease his sempul who is quite keen on the two of you becoming a mated pair. You think Ta’kan has begun to finally understand how uninterested you are in mating with another. You can feel a nervous energy coming from him today, and it sets you on edge. You hold another flower in your hand, another gift from Ta’kan. He keeps opening his mouth and closing it like a fish out of water. Finally you look over at him.
“What is it?” You ask with an impatient huff, and he glances over at you quickly before itching the back of his neck.
“There is something I wanted to ask your permission for…but I’m not sure you would like it very much…” He trails off and you feel your heart seize, anxiety gripping you. You look at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue.
“You still go visit Neteyam right? In the Cove of Ancestors?” He starts and you nod apprehensively.
You are very unprepared for what Ta’kan says next.
“I think…I think maybe I should talk to him.”
“What? Why?” Your voice is higher pitched than it normally is, and your heart begins racing in your chest. Ta’kan swallows nervously.
“You still love him. If we are going to try to become a mated pair, I would feel better if I pursued you with his blessing.” He says softly, and you almost want to laugh in his face. You know Neteyam keeps telling you to move on, to try to fall in love again but you doubt he will enjoy a potential mate seeking him out directly. Especially Ta’kan.
Neteyam was supposed to meet you before your next diving lesson. He had promised to give you the next lesson himself but he was late. You paced back and forth on the beach for a few minutes before you decided to go seek him out. He’s never late, never keeps you waiting, never abandons you. You begin walking down the beach, scanning the faces for Neteyam. You spot Tuk first.
“Tuk! Where’s your brother?” You ask, and she doesn’t need to ask which one you’re referring to.
“I think he went down that way a little while ago, he looked mad.” She points down the left side of the beach, and you furrow your brows.
“Mad? Do you know why?” You ask and Tuk smiles cheekily at you.
“One of the village boys said something about you. I don’t know what, but when Neteyam heard he got really mad.” She answered, kicking a shell along the sand. You place your hand on her head affectionately as you head in the direction she pointed, and you’re not surprised when you notice Tuk following you. It isn’t long before you begin to hear shouting, and you see a small circle of young Na’vi boys. You push through the crowd to see Neteyam chest to chest with Ta’kan. He has a dark look in his eyes as he watches Ta’kan.
“I’m just being honest, all the boys look at her. All the boys want to mate-”
“Stop. Talking.” Neteyam’s voice is firm, and you can tell he is struggling to control his temper. You step forward, wrapping an arm around his stomach from behind.
“Yawne, just ignore him. Come with me.” You say softly, and you feel his heartbeat relax only slightly at the sight of you and his youngest sister. Ta’kan however doesn’t seem to be done egging Neteyam on.
“I mean look at her. It makes no sense to me why she would choose you. It’s only a matter of time before she changes her mind.” He smiles, trying to catch a glimpse of you but you’re purposefully positioning yourself behind Neyetam. His fists tighten.
“Baby ignore him. Please, let's just go.” You beg, using a human word you picked up from Jake. He’s always calling Neytiri ‘baby’ and you like how it sounds. Neteyam’s chest heaves, but he lets you tug him back a few steps.
“Leave her alone. If you ever speak about her this way again, I will not leave so peacefully.” Neteyam warns, and despite Ta’kan’s bravado, you can see him swallow nervously. Most of the boys back off when Neteyam threatens them, they won’t outwardly admit it but most of them are intimidated by Neteyam. By his finesse with both a dagger and a bow. Neteyam falls into step beside you, reaching down to scoop Tuk in his arms when she reaches up for him. She rests her head against his shoulder, and you can see him calming further.
“You don’t need to let them get to you so much my love.” You tell him calmly, but his ears flatten and a look of annoyance crosses his face.
“You did not hear the worst of what he said.” He growled, you leaned over to press a kiss to his neck.
“I do not care what he said. I am yours, and I always will be.”
“He will not like that.” You say honestly, and Ta’kan nods in agreement, which surprises you.
“I know.”
“You will not receive his blessing.” You tell him, and he nods again.
“I know. I want to talk to him anyway.” He insists, and you look at him with a brow raised.
“And Na’ari, I just…I want to say how sorry I am, for behaving the way I did when you and Neteyam had first arrived. I…I was jealous of him. Jealous of how strong and talented he was. Jealous of how quickly he mastered skills it took me years to get right. He was from the forest and yet he was more skilled in the water than I will ever be, and…I was jealous of him because of you. You are so beautiful and kind and it made me so angry that you loved him. I’m just…I’m sorry.” Ta’kan says and you’re not really sure how genuine his apology is. You try to mask the pain you feel, everytime he said was felt like a dagger to your heart.
“I appreciate that, but you tormented Neteyam far more than you did me. It is his forgiveness you need, not mine.” You tell him honestly, and he nods.
“That is why I want to talk to him. All of this weighs heavily on me.” He says and you nod.
“I cannot stop you from seeking him out. But do not expect him to be delighted by your presence.” You warn.
***
When Neteyam appears, he is standing on the beach with the sun blazing high in the sky. He looks around for you, he wasn’t expecting another visit so soon. Although it’s difficult for him to tell how much time has passed here, because time doesn’t really pass while he is with Eywa. He doesn’t see you, which strikes him as odd but before he can look around he hears a voice. It immediately sets him on edge.
“Neteyam?” It’s Ta’kan. Neteyam’s ears flatten as he turns to see Ta’kan standing a few feet down the beach. Neteyam says nothing, and Ta’kan can see the growing fire in his eyes.
“I’ve come to talk to you, if you will allow me.” He says, and Neteyam almost feels angry but how polite he is suddenly being, all it took was Neteyam dying to bring out his nice side.
“We were not friends.” Neteyam snaps, and Ta’kan shrinks away from him a bit.
“I-I know. I’m sorry Neteyam.” He says meekly. Neteyam nearly laughs.
“What do you want? Is this about Na’ari?” Neteyam ignores his apology, he knows you would want him to be polite and he’s not sure he can respond politely to that.
“Uh well, yes. It is. I just, I didn’t want to continue pursuing her until I had your permission. You will always be the most important person to her.” He says and Neteyam feels his heart splintering.
“Yes I will, and I can no longer provide the future we were supposed to have. I tell her to move on, to love again, for her sake. I will never be able to give you permission to mate with the love of my life. I will never be able to give you permission, it is not mine to give nor do I want to. I want to be selfish, but I know I can’t. I’m dead and she is no longer mine. Now go, and do not come back.” Neteyam is bitter, he knows he is. He can hear it in his voice. He turns from Ta’kan, not wanting to hear anything else he has to say. He tries to hide the pain in his heart, the pain that grows stronger and stronger with every visit.
Neteyam knows you still need him, knows you’re not ready to let him go but he may have to force you. This is no longer helpful for either of you. You’re hurting and so is he. Death cannot be undone, and there are no loopholes. Eventually Eywa will sever your connection to Neteyam, to maintain the natural balance of life.
You need to see that you can be okay without Neteyam. That you can overcome the pain. If you allow him to remain in your heart, you can find the strength to go on, and frankly Neteyam doesn’t want to know about any future mates. Doesn’t want them to seek him out. Doesn’t want to know about any of it. He wants to be at peace, and he knows it would destroy you to know that.
He has accepted what happened, now it’s time for you to do the same whether you want to or not.
