♫ Sweetness and Happiness

A place for my thoughts. I overthink too much.

[skitzophrenia]

It was unfair that I didn’t get the chance to love just you. In the first few years, I was dragging heavy baggage behind me while trying to become the person best suited for you. The year I let go, another soul found its way to mine. I am still convinced that twin flame stuff is real, as I still feel the strings tugging at my heart. It’s as if the universe is reminding me of the soul work that needs to be done. I want none of the chaos it brings into my life, though. But I am thankful because through that, I realized what my heart truly needed.

Love really is a choice, and I’m happy I chose you the second time. Going through hell on earth made me realize how lucky I am to experience heaven in your embrace. You keep my heart at peace, and this is where I want to be until the end of time. Now I can love just you.

[skitzophrenia]

Wow long time no post

I totally forgot the existence of this blog. Maybe it’s because my heart feels at peace now. I’m at my sanctuary. ☺️

Heart feels better. It’s my mind that’s all over the place. I mostly fight with myself nowadays. It feels as if there’s another person in my head and we don’t agree most of the time.

[skitzophrenia]

Actively choosing

I have decided that my goal is to truly let go. That’s what I’ve always wanted to do. I don’t want to be in that relationship anymore. I don’t like how I was with him. I don’t like how he was when he’s with me. We were a bad match at the wrong time. Today, I will stop crying about him. If it’s meant to be, it will be. I will continue to work on myself. If I believe in him, I believe in myself. too. I will stop trying to run away. I will actively choose to be there for him when he needs me - as a friend, of course - but that’s it. He doesn’t need me. I don’t need him. I want to focus on myself. Grow exponentially and just be proud of myself. I don’t need anyone.

[skitzophrenia]

Through you I have learned and healed the wounds that I have buried in my heart.

Through you I have started to realize how beautiful I am naturally.

Through you I have recognized how deep I could love someone without any condition.

Through you I have let go of the limitations I once restricted myself with.

Through you I have created a better world that I could never imagine.

Through you I have heard every single heartbeat generates and transmits love and light.

Nobody else could.

We are always guaranteed with a happy ending, since it doesn’t matter how long I procrastinated in my journey, I still need to love you at the final phrase, since you are the ONLY one assigned to me.

I could not love another soul on Earth other than yours since you and I are meant for one another.

[skitzophrenia]

Is it possible to be wrong about who you thought was your Twin Flame?

Even she is wrong about who she thought was her Twin Flame, does it really matter now?

The one person who made her cried for many nights despite of a very short encounter.

The one person who was completely disassociated with her for many years, but he was always existing at the back of her subconscious whenever she was alone.

The one person who she would like to build a family with, but she never got to know his real self.

The one person who she fell in love and out of love continuously, in mere seconds to minutes.

The one person who often triggered her into the upmost anger, but she was not able to stay angry at him for long.

The one person who got her in touch with God more often than anyone on Earth.

She could be completely wrong about him being her twin flame, and that was just her own fantasy, despite whatever the label he should have, this one single person, has impacted her in an epic way without he himself knowing.

May be after him, there would be a real prince coming to rescue her from all these chaos, and they would live in a beautiful castle happily ever after.

BUT, even if such a prince did come, and she is now resting on the most luxurious bed in the most luxury palace, she would still miss this one single person, in the middle of the night, who once brought an everlasting storm into her heart, which transformed her into someone else, a goddess who is too gorgeous even for her herself to recognize.

[skitzophrenia]

Today I almost lost my best friend. I was shocked when she told me she tried to end it by overdosing herself. We joked about how she almost met Jesus but He smack her back to life. 😂 After our call, I immediately thanked God. It's been years since I sincerely prayed.

[skitzophrenia]

Nevertheless (Netflix)

It reminded me SOOOOO MUCH of how our relationship went. HAHA. But you were better than Jae-Eun. At least we were honest with each other.

[skitzophrenia]

It's sooo hard to stay consistent.

During the highs, I get to check everything off my to-do list (and usually add some more work). I get 4-5 hours of sleep everyday cuz my brain convinces me that I don't really need that much sleep. I usually take sleeping pills just so I can sleep more. I get to stream long hours everyday plus edit multiple videos after and don't feel tired at all. Basically, I feel like I'm always on energy drinks during these times and I enjoy it.

After 2-3 weeks of hyperproductivity, my brain and body just shuts down for a week or two. My community calls it the hibernation week cuz I sleep a lot. I also eat less, move less, and talk less. I usually feel lonely and hopeless. And yep, there are some breakdowns. I still stream but I do 2-3hrs only. I don't force myself to do a lot because when I do, I get paralyzed and I just end up crying (and sometimes cutting my hair). HAHA. I love how supportive my viewers are because whenever I don't stream or chat in Discord for a day, they'd send me DMs asking if I'm okay. After all the sleeping and the drama, I go back to extra productive mode. It's a never ending cycle. 😴

Right now, it's so hard for me to get anything done because I always feel tired. I can somehow manage it better now tho. I can keep streaming and making content. I've improved a lot these past few months. 😊

[skitzophrenia]

Tino added me and sent me a message on Facebook. So cute. 😂

[skitzophrenia]

August 21, 2018

He doesn’t love me. Yikes, the first thought of the day.

I woke up feeling tired once again. I kind of miss hearing the birds singing and sunlight in my face as I wake up. Now, all I get is this boring darkness with  annoying buses honking in the distance. I thought I’d be happy with the decisions that I’ve made these past few months - taking a new job, moving out, and basically living alone. I enjoy the times I get to spend time with my friends drinking late at night. I really like that, but when it’s just me and the darkness hanging out, I just feel so empty.

I head downstairs to get a bowl of cereal and a banana. The usual breakfast. Sometimes I make pancakes or even make tapsilog when I wake up early enough but cereals and bananas... They just make me feel so comfy. I went back upstairs and booted up the PC. Went straight to Twitch to watch some friends play. I went to lurk in one of my viewer’s stream. He was running it down mid lane. I actually don’t remember what happened for the rest of his stream because I spaced out while eating my cereals. When I looked back at the screen, my friend was no longer there. He hosted a different streamer playing the same game. I’ve never seen him before so I stayed for a couple of minutes. He’s actually entertaining. Very chatty, with a voice that’s a little squeaky. For a while, I thought he was gay until he started talking about... girls. Oh, yikes. Is he a playboy? Interesting. I should say hi in his chat. 😆

[skitzophrenia]

The Less I Know The Better

Tame Impala · Song · 2015

[skitzophrenia]

I've been waking up early in the morning just to keep this baby company. He loves bird watching. 😂 We always lie down on cardboard (cuz I'm lazy to clean up the terrace) and wait for the birds to come out. So cute. ❤️

[skitzophrenia]

I randomly had the urge to look at the photos in my old Facebook account a while ago and man, brings back a lot of memories, good and bad. I’m tearing up as I’m typing. Heh. I wonder if you were ever really proud of being with me before. I still wonder if you liked being seen with me. Did you ever really love me? It’s been two years already yet the questions still keep running in my head. To be honest, I’m starting to hate you a little bit. Now I got wanted and I can’t even fully enjoy it. I can’t love the same. Why???????

[skitzophrenia]

[skitzophrenia]

I promised myself I’d clean out my room today and I’m glad I did. I swear I thought I already lost the one and only letter I received from you. It was safely (and annoyingly) hidden under my clothes in my closet.

I jumped onto my bed with the letter in hand and I started reading. First sentence. Bam! Tears fell down my cheeks instantly. “First of all, I want to say thank you, ever since our sunrise in Caliraya three years ago, you’ve made me nothing but happy.” I can still remember how I felt that morning. It felt like a fairytale. I’m happy that is still how I see the relationship we had. Just like a fairytale.

I reread everything twice. First, I read it because I already forgot what you wrote in there. It’s been more than a year already but I sort of felt the same thing the first time I read it in that tapsilog-an where we ate during that gig. After finishing the letter, I read it again from the start. This time, it was to remember how I felt in that three years with you. It was such a bittersweet feeling but I wish I can go back to it. I wish it’s simple, to just drop everything to go back to how we were. The only thing I could thing of while I was reading your letter for the second time is, “We could’ve been perfect.” Ahh. ‘Til now, you make me a better person while you’re silently cheering for me from where you are right now.

I don’t know if you’ve moved on already. I don’t know when I will. Until now, you’re still my favorite person to write about.

[skitzophrenia]

It’s funny how my parents still talk about you.

[skitzophrenia]

Thanks for visiting me in my dreams.😊