A thing about me is I struggle with a lot of things. People don't recognize me for who I am in a few ways. 1 — my body is not me. I don't really mean that because of dysphoria? Well part of it is definitely in a dysphoric way. But particularly with my face. It's just not me. I feel like my soul was deposited in the wrong body . Like I took a girl over before she was born and now I'm trapped here. Because this isn't me! I can be content with or enjoy my current appearance, yes , but that doesn't make it me. It's hard to explain, because people see "you" when you look at them. But they don't know that's not part of your actual being ... your insides. Your inside is where you are. My voice and body are not mine. I augment my body to my liking, and I will further in the future , but that's just like, a coverage. A shell on the outer of my consciousness, and my thoughts, my enjoyments and likes which is who I really am. And it makes it hard to make friends. Because, well, the body I have is ugly and in a few ways deformed, but also, most people don't get it. Or they look at you sideways. I trust you all know what I'm saying... Because one of could feel the same, you. It sucks being stuck in a body that's wholly not yours. And you just have to deal to it... wake up every day with it inside you. Or outside of you really because that's what's keeping you trapped inside. I would like to cut myself open to find myself but I know it's not something tangible yet. The second thing is, people don't like when you know lots of things. when you're smart. Because they don't like being not smart and knowing things that they know because you only knew them. Like I know there is government watching everything, including what I'm typing now. I know everything is connected, YOU JUST HAVE TO PUT THE RIGHT PIECES TOGETHER. NOT EVEN LOOK THAT HARD. You only get like, killed, if you have the power to change it... which I don't... I just want to live in a quiet ranchouse somewhere in Montana... Nice wooding in the walls and everywhere, ceiling and floor. People DONT LIKE that I know they talk about me , and they DONT LIKE being questioned about it. I know nothing good will happen will if I contact XYZ... so I ignore them... the only consequence is I have to be careful online because now there could be MANY people on the lookout for me, which I don't like, because I don't like being looked at or found at all..
