The Poison Pushes Me Further Away

My name's Nolan. 18. I'm from Gate City, Virginia. Currently in Goose Creek, South Carolina. Most happily taken, for a little over two years now. Music, coffee, books, and the lovely lady you see above. That about sums me up.

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I've finally found a way to help myself, and ultimately help hundreds, maybe even thousands of people. Things are about to change big time. I've always felt like I was meant to do bigger things and now I can.

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Why are we doing this? Most couples break up because of some big fight or something happens like cheating or lying, and they know the cause of the breakup. Unlike me. Everything was amazing, other than the whole her-being-grounded-all-summer part, and then out of nowhere, it just ended. No fighting, no bad words, and no real explanation. I just want to know why all of this is happening. I don't know if she just wasn't happy, or was too boring, or if there was someone else, or if I just stink. And not knowing, being free to wonder about all of this, fucking sucks.

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I just don't get it. If I was such a fucking great boyfriend like everyone says, then why am I alone?

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Nothing could've possibly cut deeper than finding an old love note. God dammit.

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Is not wanting to let go a sign of strength or weakness? I'm having trouble telling the two apart

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My head is waging war on my heart. But I feel like no matter which one prevails, I'm just gonna get hurt again. I'm terrified of the potential pain that might result from this, but the chance that that doesn't happen just seems so worth the fight. But the longer I think about things, without really knowing what's going on, the more I lose hope. I'm looking for answers to questions that I don't even kniw how to ask.

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No matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise, I'm just fucking depressed. I haven't felt this low in a long time. And things always get worse before they get better.. I just hope it does get better.

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I'm hoping for just one little sign saying that there's still a fighting chance.. please just give me a little hope.

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I'm pretty fucking low at this point.

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Fuck.

Being a drug dealer made me a shitty friend and I quit like three months ago, but now I have no friends. I didn't intentionally cut everyone out, I just didn't have time between that, school, a full time job, and spending time with Erin.. I'm sorry you guys. Really, I am. I'm so fucking lonely. Erin's grounded till god knows when, school's out, and this just kinda sucks.

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I am Jack's sense of worthlessness.

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Today was so much better, simply because you were right beside me. You have no idea how much of a difference you really make on a daily basis. Not that things are just terrible all the time if you're not there, but there isn't a better feeling in the world than whatever it is I feel when I'm with you. Two and a half years, and still, every single day, you amaze me.

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I miss Erin. I want to cuddle, dammit. Being so far away from everyone else on our trip, just the two of us, was probably the most serene feeling I've felt in a long time. I'm going crazy just thinking about her right now.

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I can't stand when people get mad at me because I'm paying no attention to them while I'm talking to someone else. I know you see me having a fucking conversation.

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All I ever do is show my love and appreciation and out of nowhere it's like the past couple of years don't count for anything. I just feel like I deserve more trust and credit than that. I've earned it.

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I'm sorry that I have fucking nobody to talk to. You're kind of my only friend anymore.

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Sometimes I fuckng hate it when I'm right.