Slapped By Life

Everyday Reality

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Why hurt me? Why put me through all this? Why break me?

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I feel...lost, empty, and broken...

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I love you

You hate me

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Damn if I do...Damn if I don’t

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Yes please tell me how it is always my fault..

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It’s so simple...why do you have to lie

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Such bullshit! Not even worth a second for a text or a 5 minute call...

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Why not just be real with me?!

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It’s crazy how you know how to make me happy or make me so sad. You have total control of me and you know it and you use it against me...

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when it comes to you...I am so easily fooled

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You vs Me

It is so easy for you to ignore me. It is so easy for you to act like I do not exist. It is so easy for you to forget about me. It is so easy for you to move on. It is so easy for you to make decisions like I am no one. It is so easy for you to be alone. It is so easy for you to not care. It is so easy for you to lie. It is so easy for you to walk out. It is so easy for you to hurt me. It is so easy for you to not speak or see me all day. It is so easy for you to hate me. It is so easy for you to lose me. It is so easy for you to blame me. It is so easy for you to break me into a million pieces. It is so easy for you to not love me..

And me? I cannot do any of those things to you. Hurting you, hurts me; I will never do that. I can never do that; that's not who I am. That is not who I vowed to be as your wife, best friend, soulmate. I could never do that, even after you do what is so easy for you..

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Questioning your Worth

Am I not Worth...

Staying home, all day and night, to spend time with me and our son

Texting and calling me throughout the day

Flirting with me any chance you get

Surprising me, little gestures to show you care

Being utterly obsessed with me

Showing your love and reassuming it every day

Giving me 100% of your attention

Doing things for me and not yourself

Choosing me over anyone else

Choosing me over anything else

Taking me for dinner, taking me for a drive

Taking me fishing, inviting me hunting

Telling me thank you and I'm sorry

Thinking about how things will effect us, me, our son, and you

Compromising, Keeping promises, Never lying

Not being prideful, fighting for me

Admitting you were wrong

Picking me up when I am sad, hurt, or mad

Not letting us stay mad

Your investment in us, Your All, and Your love..

? Am I not worth it ?

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We were in it together. We struggled to together. We fought through the rough times together. We promised forever. Now, 6 month after our sons birth and you're out...I have no words to that. We were in it together...and now I am alone. Alone feeding. Alone changing diapers. Alone going to doctors. Alone worried for him. Alone caring for him. Alone playing with him. Alone LOVING him...Who know how I will adapt to this life, but I have to for him. Everything I do will be for him. All my actions and words will shape him. While you do you...without a worry about us. You promised me a husband, then a father...and now your gone...

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I love you! Why isn't that enough? What have I done wrong? Love you too much? Let you do too much? Let you take advantage of me? Give you everything? I never cheated, lied, or did anything to ruin the relationship. I may have been sarcastic, annoying, and had trust issues. I am a sarcastic person and you are a sarcastic person. I am annoying; I wanted to be with you 24/7 and if I'm not I wanted to be texting/calling. I wanted all your attention all the time. Trust issues I got because of the things you've done or that have come up over time; this one wasn't my fault. But I was loyal, forgiving, trustworthy, a best friend, and so in love with you. I think of all the good we have, but you think of all the bad. Why? Why do I get the short end of the stick? So, after all we have been through...it is over. Why? Why is love not enough?

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Why reach out? You want nothing to do with me. You treat me like crap. You hate me. You put everything above me. You chose to leave. So, why keep reaching out? Are you bored? Are you seeing how much you can get out of me? Are you seeing how much more I am still willing to do for you? Are you checking  how you sill can make me do anything? Are you seeing how much I still love you after every heartless, mean, rude, and selfish thing you did to me? So many questions from a simple ''hey'' text.

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When I heard your specific text tone out of nowhere, I jumped; my heart stopped for a moment. As I thought why would I have reacted in such a way...tears just ran down my face and that told me everything...

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The Moment

The moment it all went downhill...do you realize it immediately? Or do days, weeks, and months go by till you realize ''oh that was the moment that killed us.'' Or do you never really realize and/or know when the relationship went downhill? It is sad to think at some point in any relationship, a very moment, when one or both of you were out and neither of you even knew it.