Goodbye to the Hellmouth // Buffy & Xander (Chatzy)
Xander knocked nervously on Giles's door, unsure of what to expect. He'd seen Buffy at Dawn's funeral and Oz's cremation, but she'd been distant, hard to reach, and, quite frankly? Xander had been hurting too much at both occasions to find the energy to socialise. It'd sucked. And now he was terrified of telling Buffy that he was leaving. And not just for a vacation this time, but possibly forever. Retiring. Boy was that a scary thought. As much as Xander recognised that he may need it, not even having a tenuous link to the supernatural seemed intimidating... being away from so many of his friends was worse. When Buffy opened the door, he smiled weakly. Funny how he was seeing Dawn in Buffy's features now, as opposed to Buffy's features in Dawn. Was Dawn even around right now? For all Xander knew, she could be hugging him and he wouldn't notice. Xander wasn't sure whether he considered Buffy lucky or cursed. When he saw Oz, it was repetitive, quoting memories or filled with gaping holes, dead eyes or demonic ones... nothing that did the real Oz justice. Xander pulled Buffy in for a tight hug, for what may be one of the last times ever.
Buffy paced around Giles' house, trying to keep busy until Xander was supposed to show. Telling Giles her and Spike were leaving wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. It seemed like he expected it. He knew finding something to help Dawn was priority number one now. And then there was that whole Anya thing that absolutely blew her mind. Didn't see that one coming. Like ever. Oh well. At least they both were happy. Willow had been understanding when Buffy told her at the funerals, but her decision to stay in London made sense. Staying and helping Kennedy with the Slayers seemed important to her. Buffy understood. Honestly, it was Xander she wasn't looking forward to talking to. The past few months had taken their toll on both of them, but she had no idea how she would have gotten through them without him. And now she was leaving, possibly right when he needed her most. It was wrong, she knew. But this was Dawn. He'd get that. And maybe there really was that small chance he'd want to come and help. The knock on the door drew her out of her thoughts, and as she walked over to the entryway to answer, she knew that was asking for too much. Before she could say anything, Xander pulled her in for a hug, and Buffy didn’t argue. She held him tightly, and didn’t know how long they both stood there before finally one of them pulled away. “Come in,” she said, opening the door wider for him to enter. Dawn was…around. Not here, but who knew when her younger ghost sister would drop by? Buffy led them to the living room before taking a seat on the couch, moving over so he could sit as well. “How are you is a stupid question, but I’m asking anyway. How are you?”
Xander wasn't sure who pulled away first. They both needed it, that was for sure, but he was running with the fear that that was as close as he'd get to Buffy. She'd been so shut down recently, which he understood, kinda, but it made keeping up with her hard. "Um, shit. My best friend's heart was torn out, not much else to say. It's like there's a hole in my home." He tried to deliver it with an ironic smile, but it just fell flat. There was more to say, like the fact he was leaving with Estela and Peyton, that they were retiring, that they were running away. That he still wasn't sure if it was the right decision but at the moment it felt as close as he'd get to one. Surely Buffy'd understand. He wasn't super human, he wasn't cut from the same cloth as she was, although he'd tried to fake it for years. "And if I ask you, will you tell me the truth?"
Buffy nodded, not knowing how else to respond. Well, she did say it was a stupid question. She drew her knees up to her chest and held them there. The truth? God, did she even know what she was feeling anymore? Oz was a good friend. She missed him, too. Oh, and her sister was dead, but also kind of wasn't. How confusing was that? It sure felt like Dawn was dead, but Buffy couldn't show it. Not when she never knew when the younger Summers girl was around. She wanted to be strong for her sister. She didn't want Dawn to see how much it hurt to see her trapped like this...a ghost only she could see. Dawn deserved better, and Buffy wanted to give her that. But Dawn wasn’t around right now. And Xander deserved better from her, too. “Everything feels wrong,” she started, shaking her head slowly. It felt weird, saying the words out loud. She hadn’t even talked to Spike about it, but she was leaving and she owed him the truth, or at least what she could muddle out of her head right now. “I don’t know what to do. I feel like she’s really gone, and yet I talk to her still almost every day.” Should she be mourning her? It was hard to mourn someone when you could still talk to them. “And I feel like that’s so selfish, you know? That I’m the one who can see her and talk to her, and it’s still not good enough.” Buffy looked up at Xander before continuing. “So I guess I’m really not okay would be the truth. But I’m trying.”
Xander waited for Buffy's reply, as the emotions and hesitations flickered across her face. He couldn't imagine how hard it was for Buffy. Remembering how much it had hurt and been confusing when Anya had come back to life didn't quite cut it, but the feeling you weren't supposed to be mourning someone you were... it sucked. Big time. He had grieved Buffy, too, but that had been different... they'd spent so long in denial they'd made her be a part of it. For all intents and purposes, Dawn was gone. The very thought drove a lump into Xander's throat. "I think it's okay to mourn," Xander started carefully. A million years ago, when the councellor had visited him during his eye check ups in Cleveland, that it was okay to mourn the loss of his eye, even though he could have had it worse. Maybe it'd suck for Dawn, but Buffy deserved that mourning. "Not exactly easy though." They all did. And Dawn deserved to not be stuck in Limbo. And Oz deserved better than being a sacrifice. "I, shit, Buffy, I'm really sorry." He stroked her knee gently, trying to find the courage for what was coming next. Looking at her like this, Xander had his first real doubts about leaving. He couldn't just abandon her while she was going through this, could he? "I've, uh, Ive actually got something to tell you."
Buffy shrugged, letting her shoulders fall slightly. "Yeah, me too." Sorry seemed to be the watchword, but she knew he meant it. There wasn't much else he could do or say to make it better. They both knew that. Just having him around helped. Man, she really was going to miss him, wasn't she? Buffy put her own hand on top of his. "Something to tell me? You're not getting married again, are you?" She playfully shoved his shoulder with a small smile. "Kidding. I uhm--" she hesitated, looking down at their clasped hands. "I've got something I have to tell you, too. You first."
Xander laughed abruptly at the surreal suggestion. He could barely imagine popping the question without taking a stroll in guilt valley, never mind Peyton in a wedding dress. Seriously. It'd probably end up being leather with spikes on it. "God no." He paused, looking for the words. "I'm uh... I'm leaving, Buffy."
Buffy 's face fell. "Oh." Well that hadn't been what she expected. Despite the fact that she had just been ready to tell him the same thing, something about hearing the words out loud still stung. "Where are you going?" She should say it. She should tell him that her and Spike were literally just planning to run off on their own, leaving all of them behind. She had no right to let this hurt her. And yet it did. Xander had always been the person she could count on to be there. Even when they were fighting, he still stuck by her. For the most part at least. He believed in her more than she believed in herself. After everything they'd been through and...that was exactly the reason why he should leave.
Xander felt his heart fall as her face did. Leaving the country felt drastic, it was a pretty small country so it wasn't more drastic than going all the way to Cleveland. He had his explanations at the ready, but they weren't asked for. Xander paused, stroking the knuckles of her hand. "I'm sorry. I dunno. Just travelling around, I guess. We're not fully sure. I just... I can't stay, Buffy. Not after Erin, and Fa-" No way was he telling Buffy what Saoirse had told him. She didn't deserve that doubt too. "And Jamie nd now Oz and Dawn. Their ghosts are literally everywhere and I can't deal - oh, no, I didn't- stupid mouth." Xander smacked his forhead. They weren't literal ghosts, none of them except Dawn. Stupid, stupid Xander.
"We?" Buffy asked. Wait was Willow going with him, too? Had he managed to change the wicca's mind about staying? A stab of jealousy hit her, Xander and Willow getting to stay together while she went off trying to fix her sister. Who else would 'we' mea--"Oh, you mean you and Peyton, don't you?" Duh, Buffy. The girlfriend. Your boyfriend's best friend. Between one apocalypse after the other, she never really got to spend much time with Xand and Peyton together. Now it seemed like she never would. "No, it's okay," she said hastily, not wanting to dwell on ghost Dawn. At least he wasn't going alone. Had it really been 9 years ago she dragged him into all of this? And he had every opportunity to get out. Instead he stood by her, fought by her side. His list of names...only a reminder of everything he lost alongside her too. Xander getting out...she realized she was proud of him. He still could make a life for himself. A good one. He deserved that more than anyone she ever knew. Her words were sincere. "I get it. I really am happy for you, Xander.." She drifted off, preparing to say what what she'd been planning to next. "Uhm, well funny story..." She shrugged casually. "I'm leaving, too." She gave that a moment to sink in before continuing. "Staying here isn't going to let me help Dawn. There's got to be a way to save her. Whatever that means, I'm going to find it. Spike's coming with and I was going to ask if you and Willow wanted to--" she stopped herself. No, it was too selfish to finish that sentence. "Well anyway, yeah. I guess we're both leaving, huh?" She chuckled at the irony of it. How nervous she'd been to talk to him when he was packing his bags just as quickly. Buffy sighed, leaning her head against his shoulder. "It’s like there’s always an apocalypse around the corner. No matter what we do. I thought London was it, but...guess not."
Xander nodded, trying to work out who the frilly heck he would have been leaving with instead. Well, Willow, but Willow was staying here. Xander deflated a little, as Buffy told him how happy she was for him. She sounded it, too. Somehow, he was sure she would have kicked up a fuss, argued. Leaving your friends shouldn't be this easy. Sure, there was messaging, and skype, but it wasn't the same. Not fundamentally. It wa- huh? No way. But as soon as she explained, he understood. "You let me sweat out all that? Uncool." But he smiled. It hurt, a punch in the gut, but he got it. "Yeah. But we did good. It's someone elses turn." We did real good. He wrapped an arm around her sideways. In that moment they weren't the fated commander with a steel resolve and the soldier who'd murder for her, they were just friends, leaning into eachother closely to make up for all the lost time that was yet to come.
Buffy cracked a small smile as he wrapped his arm around her. “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe it is.” Someone else’s turn. A large part of her felt guilty for that. She wouldn’t want to dump the responsibility on anyone else. It hurt, too. London had become home. She’d moved here with the people she could never picture herself leaving, and managed to find some people she thought she’d never see again. She built her home at ATHENA. Now all that was left was a building falling apart and some rubble where her home used to be. It seemed fitting, ironically. Why should London's Hellmouth have been any different from Sunnydale? Yeah, when they came here they thought they could do some real good. And maybe they did. But it came at a price. It always did, but this was one Buffy hadn't been prepared to pay. And she was going to do her damn surest to try and fix this. It’s what they did. It’s what she did. Even though she was pulling out, no one could say Buffy Summers was a quitter. It would hurt like hell--Goodbye friends, goodbye to the life she’d always known, but there was always a silver lining, right? Buffy leaned in to Xander, enjoying the moment while it lasted. Goodbye, Hellmouth.
