Loving someone and being in love, I've found, are two vastly different human experiences I now have experienced firsthand. While the two go hand in hand in some cases, the act of feeling and experiencing both are completely unique and united at the same time. Every person on earth can and likely will experience these emotions, but everyone feels it differently. This is simply my experience to chart down.
I've found loving people... Difficult. I can properly say I truly love only a handful of people, first and formost, my little girl, the sister I spent my teenage years raising on my own, I would give my life for her. I would destroy cities, fight armies, pummel tooth and nail to all those who cross our path, all because of the love I feel for her. Something as strong, as powerful, and as meaningful as this love is, it can hurt you. She is my first priority, I would actually kill people to make sure she's happy, and healthy, and strong, despite only being 3, and it has hurt me. It's hurt and changed me me so much that I cannot call myself the same person I was before she was born. This is how loving someone is for me. I cannot help or change it, but if I can change the course of one child's life to make sure she is better off than I ever was with the parents we share, I will do just that. I don't care how it effects me, or how much my mom uses me to do fuck all. This child will know what being cared for without reprocussions feels like, so she doesn't end up like me. I don't want her to experience what I have, and I can make the choice to change that. That is how I show my love.
Being in love is incredibly different. I have finally found a partner, my very first relationship, and caring for him comes so easily. Just as easily as my sister, but it's different in the way it's expressed. Kisses, cuddles, sex, and gifts, I can communicate with him in a level I cannot with anyone else. Simple looks and glances, body language, it's so simple, yet so complex. Unlike my sister, however, he is not my first priority. It feels like a part of me that was missing, that I never knew I was missing, has been put in place. From years of abuse and manipulation and doing what other people want and pushing my desires and feelings aside so the other people around me would be happy, it feels so weird having someone who doesn't want to use me. He doesn't want acts of service or for me to shut up and do what I'm told. He asks me what I want, how I feel, what I like; this love is deeply knitted in my bones and it feels like walking on air. I'm happier, I'm not as depressed, I have fun, I laugh. As much as a three year old can do, my sister cannot fulfill the need to be cared for, and I never knew it's what I actually wanted from life till now.
Being in love is so incredibly different than loving someone. These experiences, I've found, are such an important part of being alive. Life isn't nearly as meaningful or as worth it without people to care about, or without people caring for you. I dunno. Just another post full of dumbass shit. I hope you enjoyed my little snippet :)
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