The Small But Incomplete Guide To

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Wikipedia

Descartes and Leibniz dreamed of encyclopedias containing all knowledge.

Would they have loved Wikipedia?

I fear not, since they were doubtful of the common man.

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Trees

Fucking trees!

Why must they always grow where we find our preciousss?

Yet, they will persevere after we're all gone.

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Ninja

Ninja are best equipped to fight the monsters under your bed.

Ninja are silent and deadly, the original spec ops.

Even their image is a fabrication.

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Hypertext

Text behind text behind text.

The glorious cacophony of voices!

Build a complex web to preserve every grunt ever uttered.

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Games

Play games to escape.

Play games to explore a ruleset.

Play games to enjoy the illusion of competence.

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Love

Love hurts.

Unless you love bacon.

Bacon does not leave, betray, fade.

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Facebook

The meat and bones of your digital identity.

Try to use it at least as much as it uses you.

Facebook: attention pusherman.

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Teenagers

Let’s discover our identity, while the soup of our crazy new hormones is boiling over!

Let’s try to grow facial hair!

Let’s try too hard and get pimples!

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Gardening

Plant tomatoes to feel alive!

Obsess about soil acidity, pruning, or crop rotation.

Gardening is the nerd’s way to get hands dirty.

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Tea

Putting a limp bag into lukewarm, watered-down milk is not tea.

Women below the Himalayas hand-plucked each leaf for you!

You could show some fucking respect and prepare it properly.

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Moustaches

The wearer of a moustache navigates a narrow ridge above ironic hipsters and portly community politicians.

The Burnside is the manliest of face coiffures.

Sometimes, my moustache smells of food, even if there clearly isn't any in it.

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Olympic Games

Watch horses dance, strange things getting tossed, and frantic waddling.

Eat fast food from official sponsors, presumably to get as trim as the magnificent humans on display.

See Boris Johnson showboat like no man has showboated before.

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Owls

Owls are not afraid of the dark.

The dark is afraid of owls, since owls hunt souls.

They transform them into pellets.

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The Ladies

The ladies have lots of moving parts and like you to fiddle with them, J. B. Smoove submits.

This probably only applies to the lady you're with.

Other ladies generally frown upon general statements about them.

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Jokes

A joke walks into a bar; says the bartender: «Knock knock yourself out!»

«It's just a joke!» is no excuse to be a douche.

Never ridicule those below, always those above, occasionally yourself.

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Rockets

Rockets go up, fast.

Kim Jong Un likes to shoot them into the sea.

Rockets carry our dreams and look like penises.

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Metal

Boys in mountain villages hear the filthy roar of Metal and gather to ritualistically drink.

Metal is the most manly of musics, therefore a man must like it.

Apparently, girls like it, too, for some other reason.