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@smallstoriesblog
Every time I've encountered feelings of love in my life it's been seen as an inconvenience, an 'oh no, you've caught feelings', or a 'you knew this was just meant to be casual' type of vibe. No wonder I'm so terrified of the concept of a relationship, I don't even know how to like someone without feeling ashamed of myself #moredepressingthoughts #tumblrismyonlyoutlet
I used to want to be funny so I would make people’s days brighter. Now my very existence relies on my having a sense of humour. (oh my gosh... that’s it! ...I’m finally ready. I’m finally broken enough to become a stand up comedian/writer/youtuber) #dreams #hopeislost #butnotlost #comedian #damaged
..shit. Starting to feel positive about my future again... “crush it” - no one loves you, you’re failing uni, remember that time that guy invited you back to his but then decided not to sleep with you coz you gave off a clingy vibe.. Annnd we’re back down.
Another traumatic memory from this year! I visited centrelink to ask them what was what about moving out of home whilst on study benefits and ofcourse I got seen straight away and they were super helpful... said no one ever. They insisted I use a computer, I said I just had questions and couldn’t someone help me and I have a fear of technology, and they became short with me and basically snobbed me off. I went back with my phone in hand, with their website at the ready that stated in plain english I could go into a centre and SPEAK to someone about changing my circumstances, she snobbed me off even more rudely than before. I had already had a panic attack that day because of an oral presentation coming up the following week, about which I had sent a few daunting emails to daunting professors. I left the place and sat outside and had a full blown panic attack. I curled in a ball. I hit myself in the face, dug my nails into the back of my neck, I rocked back and forward and was crying and mumbling to myself. I went back in one last time. They were nicer this time. I sat numbly at the computers they directed me towards. I welled up again and couldn’t stop myself hitting myself in the forehead with my hand that was tensed into a claw shape. a different lady than before came over and asked gently if everything was ok. I managed a slow and controlled ‘yes, fine thankyou’ through tears (although I’m not sure if I actually spoke this outloud) and then she came back and gave me a list of emergency housing options.
They thought I was homeless.
This is my worst memory from this year, this is the worst day of my life, worse than the day I found out my best friend was officially dating the man I was in love with, and until a month prior had been sleeping with, worse than the day I decided to kill myself because they refused to break up (a decision he talked me out of, taking the smashed glass bottle away from me and keeping me safe), worse than the day I found out they were still sleeping together after he’d lead me on a second time making me believe they were over, worse than the day I cut my two best friends from my life because of how toxic they were, worse than the day I fell several metres over the edge of a cliff and had my face smashed by ice chunks, worse than the day the next love left on a plane for good, worse than the countless mental breakdowns, selfharm and spiral of anxiety I’ve lived with for over a decade, It was worse because for the first time, I allowed my crazy to show in public. I am a crazy muttering woman, those one’s you see on the train that cause you to think about that report you saw on how ice is ruining people’s lives.
People like that do not make the grade, do not get the job and most certainly do not fall in love.
I didn’t realise that the way the implenon works is by taking away not only your sex-drive but your very will to remain existing so that any chance of pro-creation or even re-creation is zero. (yay hormonal and suicidal side-effects of birth control) I mean at least I don’t have any babies. #abrightsidetoeverystory #replacingactualcounsellingwithtumblrposts
At the end of last year I thought I found a way around my fear of commitment (which is actually just a fear of ever being hurt as bad as that first guy hurt me) by only dating travellers. Because their leaving was inevitable I couldn’t possibly take it personally. Genius.... Until you fall in love with a traveller and then you’re stuck pining over someone who will never love you as they just saw you as a tiny saga in their epic adventure tale. #replacingactualcounsellingwithtumblrposts
My friend once told a random man out of the blue that she thought he was a beautiful human. I tried this and the man called me a weird freak (as reported back to me by my sister who spoke to him at a party) and death glared me the next time I saw him out, going out of his way to walk away whenever I happened to be near. whenever I see him out (which happens often as we go to the same clubs) he still does this. #replacingactualcounsellingwithtumblrposts
This year I went on a date with a friend of mine. I pushed for the hangout but they made it a date by cooking me dinner and putting music on and such. Turns out they weren’t all that keen on me after spending a few hours with me and after an embarrasing and dismally failed attempt at coming onto them I sat and cried for two hours (I am NOT exageratting here, it was 10pm when I began to cry and around 12.15 when I left their house), thankfully they are lovely and they comforted me and didn’t hold it against me. #thankstumblr #replacingactualcounsellingwithtumblrposts
Why study and finish the three assignments that are litterally so overdue if I don’t get them done by tomorrow I fail university this semester when I can be expressing myself in short paragraphs of jovial misery. #yay #sarcastically jumps in the air with fake enthusiasm but then falls over the computer chair on the way back down, smashing face on desk and slamming knee into stone floor and then splays on floor surrounded by a pool of blood and dignity that have left my body #fineokI’llstudy
I think I’ve expired. There’s only so much positivity I can fake when it comes to dating and there’s only a certain amount of bitterness allowed before you become undateable. Yep, expiration date.. 2/10/16 (the last date I had in which I was so randomly depressed that I burst out crying much to the surprise of the very sweet man who thought it was going well)
I worry for our future, we used to think that we had hit the lowest form of communication with the acronym (lol, wtf and such) but now we use pictures. Not just emoticons but a photograph or drawing that in some way is relevant to our lives. Instead of expressing or explainging we point fervently to a picture and scream THIS! THIS! and still feel like we’ve gotten the same point across.
explainging.
I looked up ‘anagram’ on google and the pretentious little snob asked me if I meant “nag a ram”. Haha very funny google, you made an anagram of anagram. *claps twice forebodingly*
decided that all my negative thoughts were crowding my brain and since I don’t want to bring all my friends down (or for them to think I’m an attention seeking whinging, using mental health to feel special, everyone-hates-me annoying cry baby), I thought I’d try offload them on an internet forum only two people (whom I love dearly) know about. but don’t worry, If you read a bad thought, it means that my mind is less heavy than before :) #negativityintopositivity #losingmindweight
Ever since I decided to start really giving this whole dating thing a go I’ve grown more and more bitter and resentful about the world - I think I liked it better when I was obsessing over that one guy who used me for sex and left me for my best friend. Atleast my pain only came from one direction and crushed me all at once rather than this gradual wearing down from all these different men. It was fucked and so toxic but no hope at all wins out over hopes raised and dashed on the regular.
I worry for our future, we used to think that we had hit the lowest form of communication with the acronym (lol, wtf and such) but now we use pictures. Not just emoticons but a photograph or drawing that in some way is relevant to our lives. Instead of expressing or explainging we point fervently to a picture and scream THIS! THIS! and still feel like we’ve gotten the same point across.
University this semester has felt like being thigh deep in mud. If I do nothing I drown, if I move forward, every muscle aches with the strain and I grow fatigued, and if I lie back, my back gets dirty and someone wakes me up saying the lecture’s over.
One day I hope that I find someone to love me as fervently as the guys I date are still in love with their ex’s. #whydoidothistomyself
3 of the most depressing words to remind you how pathetic you are "successfully installed tinder"