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Because this show is hysterical. Send me one to see how my muse reacts. Feel free to alter pronouns and the like.
Trigger Warnings: So many violence/death/suicide mentions, drug references, some NSFW references
âI always thought swimming was kinda like doing somebody. You dive in, flop around a bit, and you either get booed or somebody gives you a medal. And then I found out swimming isnât like that at all.â
âIf you die, I get fired. And I like this job. People donât ask questions here.â
âEveryone step away from the brain!â
âArenât you that kid that started that doomsday cult?â
âAre you upset? âŚOh, who am I kidding, youâre always upset.â
âNah, man, we didnât go to prison, we went to holding. Thereâs a biiiiiig differenceâŚâ
âYouâre gonna need a new back door.â
âThey said they wonât let me back into sewing club, because apparently when I threaten someone with sewing needs, itâs deemed âinappropriateâ and I âhave to leave.ââ
âBITCH, GET IN THE POOL!â
âYouâre so cute when you never shut up.â
âIâm not the Team Mom!â
âI have a daughter, somewhere. Doesnât mean anything.â
âFive star hotel. Royalty, bitches!â
âI choose the greatest sport of all time: Gay Chicken.â
âSo Iâm in the backseat crying, [name] says weâve gotta return the panda to the zoo, and then the brakes go out! Luckily, I still made it in time for my Pilates class.â
âOkay, [name]. Time to kill yourself.â
âNot me this time. This time, itâs 100% goofy, contrived fate.â
âThis doesnât seem like the time for polka renditions of Ke$ha songs.â
âYouâre like our mom! The Team Mom.â
âWhatâs up, sluts?! Guess who just got outta prison?â
âYou canât spell âsassâ without âass,â and youâre being one.â
âHeâs so hot but so crazy! Which makes him even more hot!â
âThat boy ainât right.â
âOh my God, is he dead?! Why did you put him in the car?!â
âI love you, but please⌠shut up.â
â[Name] forced me to wear this. Donât say anything.â
âNo. No, youâre dead. I killed you.â
âNow, if you excuse me, I have to go spray-paint Illuminati symbols on my ex-wifeâs house. She thinks I donât know sheâs involved, but I know. THE WORLD MUST KNOW.â
âArenât you that kid that was drinking a can of Raid through a bendy straw?â
âHomeboy looks like Shark Week. I ainât messing with that.â
âBoom. Done. Advice over. Letâs go get shitfaced.â
âI WANT THAT BOY TO BE MY BRIDE!â
âIs it weird for me to think he looks good in that swimsuit? I mean⌠really good. Itâs totally not weird, right?â
âIt feels like forever since you drowned [name] in the deep end and tried to burn down the swim club.â
âWhat did we say about voodoo? Itâs only for cheap revenge and shrinking heads.â
âYou say âyou peopleâ like youâre not part of the family. Got some news for you: youâre already on the Christmas card.â
âReports of my demise were, uh⌠greatly exaggerated.â
âLook, [name] is swimming his gay little heart for you.â
â[Name] tried to get me to vandalize a police station again. Can I get a ride home?â
âGood thing I wore my HeeliesâŚâ
âMy parole officer says I need more extracurriculars.â
âWonder if that stuff I hid is still here. âŚNah, cops probably took it.â
âI think I hate him. Or love him. Whatever.â
âHands are part of your arms! âŚThis is why we donât talk anymore.â
âDid you invite him to that weird nightclub where all the dancers are wearing gas masks?â
âThis reminds me of prison!â
âYou do exhibit rather⌠motherly behavior.â
âI know you can hear me down in Hell, you stupid jerk.â
âYouâll stay. Like it or not, youâre just like us.â
âTheyâre just too dumb to die.â
âWeâre gonna go with dark magic today. Weâll call you if we need voodoo.â
âYes, yes, we all demand blood.â
âWait, Iâm not done staring!â
âYou still hang out in abandoned buildings?â
âI thought I was Zeus! âŚI WAS Zeus.â
âI canât get you into the menâs locker room again.â
â[Name] and [name]?  Dead? Let me tell you something. Those two are literally impossible to kill. To prove a theory, I one time tried to just straight-up shoot âem with a real-ass gun. The bullet missed, ricocheted off a frying pan on the wall, and broke open a cabinet full of bottles, which I then tripped on and fell over. Hurt my pride more than anythingâŚâ
â[Name], I know you canât read.â
âYeah, Iâve seen that guy before. Cats go into his house, but⌠cats donât come out of his houseâŚâ
âBack off, I called dibs like five years ago.â
âBitch, you gonna be mine.â
âLook, I already visited the local church, mosque, synagogue, Satanic temple, Scientology center, Kingdom Hall, and I tweeted at Kanye. Just covering all the bases.â
âDidnât we make a pact to stop her from doing this weeb shit?â
âI think that guard you killed had a family!â
âWhy is your first suggestion always to break into [name]âs house?â
âPlease call the police, because I look so good in this, it should be against the law. âŚPlease donât actually call the police, though, I WILL incriminate all of you.â
âYou know what, this rescue mission doesnât need your sass.â
âHeâs probably in the shower, you know, washing the failure out.â
âOne of you shot the [name] that can READ.â
âThat was not a clown, that was my Juggalo friend. But your fear WAS warranted, heâs the one that set the pinata on fire.â
âItâs not just some simple task, like riding a bicycle, or cracking an egg, or committing premeditated murder.â
âThis is getting ridiculous. We need a tutor or something.â
âTen bucks says he dies.â
âDo not be alarmed. I am about to be hilarious.â
âYou know what else is fun? Killing your best friend.â
âIt may be hard to believe, but recently, I lost the ability to read.â
âI gotta go⌠not⌠talk to you to anymore.â
âOhhhh⌠six-two, shark teeth, cries when you call him bitchbaby?â
âYou took the fall for me, and I said âthank you.ââ
â[Name], if I do die, thereâs something I want you to do for me. I want a sweet-ass Viking funeral.â
âYour arrest record is extensive. And amateur.â
âI feel like youâre running out of solid shark references to call me.â
âFuck it. Letâs do this.â
âYou invited a party clown! Iâm afraid of clowns!â
âI have to Tumblr this!â
âI thought this show was about drugs or something.â
âOh, no⌠I got another flashback boner.â
âLetâs spend more nights in abandoned lighthouses.â
âYOU CANâT CATCH ME, GAY THOUGHTS!â
âMetaphorical? More like metaHORRIBLE! âŚZING!â
âYeah, I know, inner turmoil, identity crisis, whatever.â
âHa, your ass just got Looney Tuneâd.â
âI was just rooting around in the garbage at this boyâs house, and I found this!â
âLetâs just skip all the fluff and get to the part where weâre shirtless.â
âWere you having a goldfish-drinking contest? Because my record is eleven before I barf.â
â[Name], go to my house, open the third desk drawer, and burn everything inside! But hold your breath while you do it!â
âThanks for the life lesson, âBoy Meets World.â Howâs YOUR repressed love life doing?â
âWas macing us really necessary AFTER you remembered who we were?â
â[Name], find your chill, my dude.â
âWeâre gonna be dateâLATE.â
âThere were 398 votes for you. THEREâS FIVE OF US.â
âDid [name] just fall down the stairs wearing stilts?â
âI had advice from a person who literally doesnât know what theyâre doing at any time of day.â
âIf youâre here to do your unsettling demon voice, it is not appreciated at this moment.â
ââAnd then Crowley handcuffed Dean to the chair, roughly straddling hisââ WHOA! Okay! Letâs just, uh⌠letâs put that one in the backpack for safekeeping.â
âMan, I canât remember what I had for breakfast this morning. Forty-five minutes ago is âway backâ for me.â
âIâm some stealing some chem equipment for some stuff, and I donât want you small-time hoods messing that up.â
âYou know what plausible deniability means, kid?â
âSo anyway, I regain consciousness, thereâs cops everywhere, [name]âs covered in blood, got an ice pick⌠heh-heh, it was kind of a weird Tuesday!â
âSheâs a witch! Push her in the pool!â
âLook, dude, I donât know what to tell you. I showed up late, you killed all these people, you started calling me âthrall,â and all I know is that Iâm missing pizza night for whatever this is.â
âIs this a regular flashback or a sexy flashback?â
âIt wasnât a dream! We got arrested for trespassing! WE WENT TO JAIL!â
âYou have to worry about your safe-cracker, your ground control, your spotter, your bag man, your getaway â any of them could be farm-fresh, or worse⌠undercover.â
âHow many guys you pair up on the way here?â
âA guy with emotional issues who swims away his problems? Lady, thatâs the whole team. Youâre going to have to be more specific.â
âIâm just saying⌠is it illegal if Iâm in my OWN pool?â
âI need a soda. Or therapy. Probably both.â
âWe erected several statues of you, as requested, but, uh, people arenât really worshiping them. Theyâre just sorta⌠taking selfies in front of themâŚâ
âLook at that majestic-ass motherfucker. Like a dolphin or some shit. A dolphin with legs. And arms. And a jetpack.â
âNow get back to it before you learn a lesson in urban post-war torture practices!â
âIf you continue your attempts at flirting, I will be forced to take drastic measures.â
âI went to jail! I learned things. Terrible thingsâŚâ
â[Name] said we were gonna get baked and watch âGame of Thrones.â I wanna see some tits.â
âI spent six months in a correctional facility! I stabbed a girl in the yard!â
âBitch, donât even fucking think about it.â
â[Name] was up all last night, jerking it to real porn like a weirdo.â
âYou put five marijuana cigarettes in your mouth and refused to answer to us unless we called you âKing Kush.ââ
âSUCK MY SHARK DICK.â
âShut up, shut up, shut up! Shhhh! I smell boys being gay!â
âI see my reputation as a mastermind and entrepreneur precedes me.â
âCanât prove nothing if theyâre all dead.â
âI spent hours of research and studying. Minus that hour I had to spend calming down [name] after we watched The Notebook.â
âCome on, you can do me! It! It. You can do IT.â
âIf I get out of this chair, I guarantee youâll end up in one with wheels.â
âYou guys ever wonder if weâll meet someone normal?â
âWe solved the curse of the island, and realized that the real ax-murderer was love all along.â
âI AM A GOD AMONG MEN! AND FISH! AND WATER-BASED MAMMALS!â
âExcuse me, I am trying to scream my feelings into your mouth.â
âNow we owe [name] a favor. That is NOT a position you want to be in.â
âThat wasnât hot. It was just fucking weird.â
â[Name]âs faster than she looks. And she tore through that chain fence like it was tinfoil!â
âThis is it. This is the year I get my penis back from that dolphin who stole it.â
âSo thereâs me and [name], doing 80 in a 35, he goes right through the police blockade, I tell him to stop, he tells me there was something in the trunk⌠it was pretty much the best birthday ever.â
âI take boxing lessons at the Y. It started because K-pop concert security is tougher than it looks, but I just got hooked on the feeling of crushing someoneâs face in with a solid right cross.â
âThe election didnât even matter that much; you cheated anyway.â
âI learned to swim the old-fashioned way. When I was five, my dad took me out to a lake and tossed me right out into the water. Making it to shore was easy. Getting out of the sack was hard, thoughâŚâ
âCome on, [name], I put a LOT of money on you. Possibly against my better judgement.â
âI feel like I should argue this, but the potential for implied sexual antics is far too appealing.â
âThatâs how they do it in Australia. And prison.â
âWeâre all here âcause weâre not welcome anywhere else.â
âMy baby can take it and dish it out! I am so turned on right now, Iâm about half-mast.â
âHeâs not my boyfriend. We were officially engaged in the fall. Iâm thinking a spring wedding.â
â[Name], why are you getting naked?â
âThen you just take out your trusty lockpick, and youâre in!â
âIs there more to life than obsessing over two boys kissing?â
âThis place just keeps getting dumberâŚâ
â[Name], I love you, but youâre dumb as hell.â
âIâm not arrogant. Iâm just that good.â
âIâm not taking care of your raccoon again!â
âI have to go scream confusing, end of the world ramblings at people under the freeway.â
âIâll be on it like [name] on a centerfold spread.â
âWhatever. I did my time.â
âStill doing that weird demon thing to him?â
âBed? But what about possible ax-murderers?â
âNo! Stop! Donât play the intro over me, thatâs rude!â
âIâd do anything to you, [name]. FOR you!â
âShut up, youâre high as balls!â
âHere I thought [name] was the craziest person you knew.â
âJust jerk it to hentai like a normal person.â
âIâve got mace! The good shit, the kind they use on bears!â
âDid my sister send you here in an attempt to get us to emotionally reconnect?â
âYou know how they say âsticks and stones may break my bones?â Yeah, thatâs not just a phraseâŚâ
âDoes anyone wanna hear my tragic backstory?â
ââŚYou broke out, didnât you?â
âI had a dream like this, once. You surprisingly had more clothes on, though, at least at the start.â
âAlright, so I didnât wanna have to do this right at the start, but I represent a certain mutual acquaintance. One [name].â
âHey, we try not to get this part of the gym wet, so whatever youâre doing is gonna have to stop.â
âYou canât have sex with your neighborâs above-ground backyard pool.â
âBodies⌠so hot. Brains⌠so dumb.â
âWell, piss in my asshole, Iâm out like fifteen hundred bucksâŚâ
âArenât you that guy that drowned a kid? And burned down that building? And sells Whip-Its under the bleachers?â
âLet me help you out of that swimsuitâPOOL! The⌠the pool.â
âI donât need a piece of paper to tell me how to swim. Or how to fuck Dean Winchester.â
â[Name]? Are you home? Itâs me, [name]. âŚOkay, Iâm gonna break in!â
âWeâve been banned from every pool in the area.â
âHeâs delicate. Like a flower. Or a snitchâs collarbone.â
âSo [name] pulls out a gun and decides to hold up the liquor store. He tells me to restrain the clerk, the clerk pulls out a gun and weâve got a Mexican standoff! But anyway, how was your summer break?â
âOh, no. Heâs hot when heâs sad.â
âHow many bodies you think would fit in here? Iâm gonna say âa lot.â Looks like a lot.â
â[Name], if I do die, thereâs something I need you to do for me⌠bury me with my swimsuits.â
âSome stuff happened. I donât want to talk about it. Shut up!â
âYeah, sure, donât listen to craaazy old [name], because that one time he stole a Zamboni and joyrode it around town and tried to take it through a McDonaldâs drive through, and then they wouldnât serve him, so he drove it into the front of the McDonaldâs, and they called the cops and then there was a Mexican standoff!
âWe went white-water rafting, and he pushed me right out! I hit so many rocksâŚâ
âALL HAIL THE DECISION CUBE!â
âMaybe next time, donât get disqualified by throwing GRENADES AT THE OTHER SWIMMERS.â
âDonât patronize me! Iâm not [name]!â
âWhy do we even care about losing? Weâve never cared about that kind of stuff.â
âYouâre all probably getting nervous, and thatâs normal. You really donât stand a chance here, so I really canât blame you.â
âWORSHIP ME AS THOUGH I WERE A MALEVOLENT GOD! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!â