Fox

[smartlittlefox]

random thought

I don’t know… I feel like I’m being pulled in a million directions lately. I need to write research papers, prepare podcast episodes, take photos, go for walks, and socialize. I want to find a friend to chat with in English—about nothing, about life. I want to move to Australia, but that means somehow passing the damn Pearson Academic exam, finding an employer willing to hire me, convincing them to take me on, filling out a mountain of visa paperwork—and somehow getting approved. There’s just so much to do, and I’m exhausted from trying to keep it all together. Because that’s the thing—there’s too much. But what else can I do? The truth is… I have to emigrate. It’s physically impossible for me to stay here—not with the outright repression against gay people. That’s just the bare minimum. And yet… part of me still wants guidance, help. But another part of me is just bitter that I can’t just… I don’t know, get evacuated or something. Sigh… 35 years old, and I still haven’t managed to build a single useful connection.

[smartlittlefox]

The One with the Love on The Ferris Wheel

It took me four long years to watch this incredible, powerful, and healing TV show titled "Love, Victor".

Of course, I was under the spell of the Disney-tale effect of "Love, Simon"… (Back then, to 2018 and 2019, this movie and the book drove me up from a really horrible episode of my love, made me… brave…)

And 2020 was the year I broke up with my boyfriend (after nearly six months of relationship… with love and tension and my coming out to part of my family).

So the first season of "Love, Victor" I watched in one breath. The magnificent story of self-acceptance, and living in a very conservative family and surrounding. My story.

And after that, I was kinda blocked. 'Till the 2023. In the Autumn of 2023, I tried to watch the first episode of the second season. Watched it, and again was blocked by my subconscious, I suppose.

There's no movement in my soul for a long year. I physically couldn't press the "Play" button. Despite the fact that I was continuing to start reading books by Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera… (but was giving up in the first third).

And here I am now. At the end of July 2024, the start of August. Living a hard life in my country - in feelings, I don't complain about the well-being. But… the laws, the rumors, the acts of bloodthirstiness… the xenophobic society…

Here I am. Watching the second and the third seasons of "Love, Victor". Two-and-half weeks in a row. Hardly unbroken.

The story of acceptance through holly-God resistance (read society's prejudices), the story of growth and battle with inner-demons. All the things I have.

The story of school friendship, and lover-ship I've never had. Each episode felt like a certain heaviness on my chest. Physical heaviness. The desire to pat yourself. Each episode revealed more and more new facets of the characters… and… damn it, I recognized myself in many of them. What is this? Unlived youth? Let's leave this question to my therapist.

Thanks to the authors, and actors… thanks for allowing me to live an interesting experience… to imagine myself in the shoes of the characters.

[smartlittlefox]

20/04/2022

I have this green bandana; I bought it many years ago. I wear it not too often, but today it was my talisman, I think.

First, in this bandana, "I really am ruggedly handsome, aren't I?" (© Castle)

Second, It was cold tonight, so I wore the bandana over my neck like a scarf. Nice!

Today while we were listening to our students again, I was reading a physics school textbook. There was a term control variable. It is what you keep the same in an experiment. Temperature, lighting, mass or volume of a sample, for instance.

So now I think, what can be the control variable in my life? What can I keep the same, keep the constant?

[smartlittlefox]

19/04/2022

Was it an ordinary day at work?.. No. We (me and my colleagues) have published a book, and today we took away from the printing office the manuscripts. The small win! I had a great lunch with my old friend and took a walk. It was a sunny day - a very rare one in the area I live. We usually have rainy weather here. Took a few photos of the city and people, erased them, and took them again… Took a video. I love how my new phone takes a video. But I don't show you. Why? 'Cause I won't.

Also, I bought a new pair of jeans and a dark pink or light-lilac T-shirt. Yes. That's my day. I deserve it. I wanted to die today only once. Hard times, you know? Troubles in my family - a lot of sickness and homophobia. Troubles in my country… But I have my students and my friends. One of them told me to start learning English again, and since then, I've restarted this blog. Maybe I'll restart my Twitter account or not. I have no decision yet. So… I hope you had a good day too.

[smartlittlefox]

18/04/2022

It was a very ordinary day at the university. Ordinary?.. I don't think so. 'Cause today I with my colleagues... we were listening to our students' reports about their bachelor theses.

And that was ok but the quality of their papers has been decreasing from year to year long ago. And that makes me feel very sorry for future generations. How can we let these students work for the school, how can we let them teach our kids?

So... I should... no... I must work harder and harder, and teach my students more and more to make them highly professional.

After a few hours of this drama, we went to a cafe and drank some tea, eat some pastries, and so on.

You know, it was an ordinary Sunday at work with 7 hours of lecturing and training, with a bit of humor and a lot of not-very-dangerous experiments with the electricity. My students tried to make the electric wind - an interesting phenomenon when the very strong electric field (above 20 kilovolts) manipulates, for example, a flame of a candle. Sorry, I forgot to take a photo.

[smartlittlefox]

three good things of the day:

1 laughing

2 nice lunch

3 calm evening

[smartlittlefox]

The One with the Pandemy of 2020

So. Do you know what sucks? First, being a gay university teacher is suks. Why? 'cause you should hide yourself not only from your colleagues but from students too. But your students are not hiding from anyone. It suks. Am I complaining? Yes. It's too hard for me to see these happy young fellas enjoying their sexualities in life, alco-parties, etc. When I was studying at university, I could not be open with my friends. Why? Because of the people, the country. Of course, today being open-gay in my city is hard too, but, I know, today's students are very tolerant and kind... But being gay teacher sucks.

Second, the COVID-19 sucks. Actually, not the virus, but the restrictions. In my country, there wasn't a quarantine, but... I wish it was there. I'd prefer to stay at home for four weeks instead of working, going to the underground, using public transport, going to shops where NOBODY wearing masks! OK, you could not wear a mask, but don't talk to the other people if you are sick!

Living on the ground-floor sucks! Yep! 10 °С today. I want a warm scarf with a sign of the Hufflepuff... but I have one with Red Star Belgrade's symbolics... It's really warm too, but sitting at home in a scarf... once upon a September... WHY?!

[smartlittlefox]

Let's restart?

[smartlittlefox]

Let's go nowhere

[smartlittlefox]

Neverland is closer than it seems

[smartlittlefox]

Cats, vine and rock-and-roll

[smartlittlefox]

Believe me Brother oh Brother, She will break your heart. Leave her tonight, be strong, Cause Brother oh Brother, She's gonna tare you apart. Don't stay and fight.

Måns Zelmerlöw

[smartlittlefox]

The One with the Birthday

Well, it wasn't my birthday, actually. It was a celebration of my friend's birthday, maybe she was my Best Friend in this period of my life. She's a "pretty woman" in all of the sense of this phrase - very smart, very talented in music. She was learning the history of arts at school. Now she is learning on a master degree programme (physics education).

A long time ago, maybe, I was fall in love in her, maybe.

So, here we are. She's going to be married, I'm proud of her.

It's her birthday. Very simple - tweeting with a company of friends with a pizza and a tea in her mom's office kitchen. Very nice - firstly we were going to the museum on a quest; secondly - we were very tired and frozen, 'cause we were walking through the city's streets. Yep, November was on the alleys. +2 °C, not chill, but with the wind - not comfortable.

Museum quest wasn't interesting, for my opinion. It was chaotic, long, and, maybe, unlogical in some tasks. But... Do we go to the museum only to complete the quest, bought for a few "doubloons"? Of course not! Unique arts - sculptures and paintings; people, who are walking on the creaking parquet...

All of it relaxed me and my friends.

We left each other not very late in the evening. But, I think, the memories of this day will be with us a million of years.

[phraseepic]

Think so.

[smartlittlefox]

The One with the Keyboard

I dunno how I can stop thinking about this idea. Maybe it's my false, he was a very cute guy, but... but there wasn't a "chemistry" my mind, so I delete him.

Also, I dunno, why I wrote something like this trash here - at the place like this site... It's not me - who can tell everybody... anybody, exactly, about my personal life.

But... a deal is a deal. A goal is a goal. I promised myself to start a blog in English.

So, I'm N., I'm 25 years and a few months (very over twelve) old and I work at the university (not in USA, GBR, AUS or Canada...). Here is a very wonderful roof in my university. Not roof, exactly, but astronomic place at the roof with a few telescopes and one globe of the Earth and one globe of the sky sphere (Celestial).

This rooftop is my favorite place in all campus. There is windy, very windy and rainy, and the sky is so gray, like a lead. But in the middle of summer, I like to go here and look at the city. To the other roofs, to the golden spires, to the Sky.

I'd like to share this place with one of my buddies who works on the other side of the city. But we are seeing each other only every now and then. Why cannot we do what we like (of course, if this what we like not hurt everybody)? It's a rhetorical question, of course. But it's annoying - see the life is flowing down... past us.

"What can I do?", was singing Chris Norman. There is no answer for me till now for the simple "How can I spend more time with friends?" Maybe I should work less hard, or I should write my short-stories less... but I can't breathe without my students, I can't live without my tales - fairy tales with Panthera pardus and foxes, with magick boxes and cats, flying in the skies.

It's all in my heart.

Every now and again I sit near the window at. I see other lives behind a black mirror that glass turns into when it gets dark outside. It's depressive? Yes, it is.

But then I open a laptop, put my fingers on keys and start typing... 

~ Nico Santos - Rooftop