@smellslikeoksoda - Tumblr Blog

Crying two days in a row at work. New record. Cycling between binge eating and nothing at all, day to day. I never resonated with "these drugs make me feel like a zombie" but 300mg of lamotrigine will do it. Some days I just don't feel the point of anything. I see other people post about CPTSD and it all hits a little close to home. Pieced together some things with my therapist. Explains a lot. I asked Well what do I do with this, how do I work with this? Did not get much in the way of a response. Noticing is not enough. Can't get over the abandonment at the end of our relationship. I felt completely alone and kept saying unraveled, which paled in comparison to how I felt later/feel now, and I got nothing back. But I'm the one who's bad at communicating. Seriously. Right before my birthday? Which you planned nothing for? If I close my eyes for too long, I feel like I will pass out. You've got to eat. More weight loss. Not great. Therapist did not see anything in that. I feel unmotivated, misunderstood, alone. Again, prison of my own design, but not completely. I still have the key on my side. Multiple relationships where I've been abandoned and left to deal with the emotional Christmas lights. I don't know if this is helpful or not. It seems like ruminating, wallowing. I just want to throw this fucking thing in a river and get a landline. I'm sick of piles and piles of lists I can't stop making. The plans I would make if I had the time. The things I could learn if I wasn't so afraid of everything.

Boo hoo.

I have not slept in bed for a month

They left every fucking blanket

If I'm not constantly stimulating myself somehow, I am crying

I used to only let myself cry when I would think of Mandy

Before I took her in, for a week I would sit in my car and punch my steering wheel as hard as I could and bawl

I almost broke my hand

They didn't notice at all until I broke down in the bathroom

I eat my feelings all the time, I binge eat

I haven't for a month

I have lost 10 pounds

I didn't eat at all today

They were watching fucking hockey and fucking basketball and they don't give a shit about any of that

I came home early one day, they were surprised

Said they were taking nudes

Sometimes it feels like I've been stabbed

I will always be 13 years old, sitting on the edge of my bed, waiting for my dad, who I didn't even know existed

I waited for hours

I ended up crying myself to sleep, the one and only time

I haven't been able to sleep normally since

I lie in the moment and say things don't bother me

I don't want them to feel bad, just me, alone

I'm trying to put myself together but I don't remember what that picture looks like

I'm having a lot of trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel on this one. Cheated on, right before my birthday, didn't even get a pity birthday celebration, almost like they forgot. Cheated on in all 4 of my serious relationships. At a certain point, you just think it's you that's the problem. Yeah I have a problem saying I love you. I wonder why.

The worst part? The person they cheated on me, was going after this 21-22 year old when they were my age. String out on God knows what, often. They were sitting on that one for a while. They had such a problem with age gap relationships, but I guess not when you're trying to fuck them. What a fucking hypocrite. I dunno dude. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Right before all this, I told them I felt like I was unraveling, losing the bit of me that I thought I had a grip on. From my point of view, they only ever asked about my feelings when they thought I was mad at them.

My therapist says it's CPTSD, the overall problem Fun. Part of that is not having a sense of self. You trade that for trying to make people happy and trying to outrun everything before it swallows you whole. Feels like I'm losing the race a bit. 31 years old. Problems with expressing feelings. Never knowing what I want, what's the right choice. Stuck in my shitty ass hometown I can't seem to escape from. Body keeps the score. Bald. Heaviest I've been. Binge eating a lot. That one seemed to go right by my psychiatrist. Therapist said she wanted to explore that. Hasn't brought it up in a while.

I don't think I'll do it. But the scary part is, the longer these feelings go on, the more I think I'll be comfortable with the thought. Having control over something. Feels like the thing the only I can control. The thought becoming more comfortable is the scary part.

I don't feel known. I don't ever feel understood. Minus my grandmother. We can finish each other's thoughts. Ask the same nosy questions. We both have a mountain of things to do with no drive to do them.

I look at all those things I haven't done. Backyard's a mess. Things falling apart. Nothing is figured out, where it's supposed to be. You just internalize them all as guilt and shame. The overwhelming feelings we all feel, all the time. Right?

I just feel empty. Silent suffering. Stuck in a prison of my own design. I placed every brick.

Screaming into the void.