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May 19, 2016 12:36am kakarating ko lang ng bahay. I was 15 steps away from the gate of the building and was blankly scrolling my phone (must have been a habit). I was pretty sure I was walking alone, no one in that same old road but me, when suddenly someone talked beside me. “Ate, alam niyo po ba kung saan yung daan papuntang brookside?” Gulat to takot in a split second. Nagulat ako nang may nagsalita sa tabi ko. Natakot ako dahil nang paglingon ko a teenage boy na may isang normal eye and his other eye, I don’t know, may something wrong, he has no pupil. It took me a couple of seconds to answer him. Tumango ako and pointed the way, still looking at him. I was still calming myself down plus trying to hide the fact that I got scared when I asked him a few other questions. I knew I was not seeing a ghost. I immediately hated myself the moment I realized that he was but another normal boy. I immediately hated myself for being scared of him. I immediately hated myself because I knew in my subconscious mind I am an addition to the community of bullies. Ginusto ko na ihatid siya pauwi sa kanila. But doing so would cause me an hour. And I needed that hour either for cramming or for sparing myself from being sleep deprived. I needed sleep (because for the next few days, exhaustion would be my partner). It was a hard bargain between being a selfless citizen and being a selfish bitch. It was a hard bargain between being a helpful passerby and being a student. Then again, I am bitch. I am selfish. Hindi ko siya hinatid. I booked a taxi and kindly asked the driver to make sure he gets home safe. He asked me if I knew the boy. I told him that I don’t. The driver smiled as he gave back half of what I paid and thanked me. Lower Brookside is far from Sumulong, I’m not even sure if what I initially gave the driver was enough. “Hala!” was all I could utter. Shock was evident in my face. I tried to give back the money but he smiled again, “Salamat sa tulong”, the driver thanked me. But I knew I don’t even deserve being thanked for. I am selfish. I am a bitch.

No, I don’t want to know what’s happening in your life. I don’t want to hear anything about you. Let me know nothing.

I’m scared to know that you’re doing fine. I don’t want to know that you’re happy.

I’m done being the selfless nutcase --- Letting others be the happiest on Earth even if it meant torture to me. I am no longer that.

Nope, not anymore.

I used to be so happy knowing others were having the time of their lives while I wallow in misery. I used to be so thirsty of every bits and pieces of news about others. I craved to know that they were doing well. Yes, I was genuinely happy about that. No, I don’t want to feel that anymore.

I cringe every time they mention your name. I hate the fact that I have to brace myself whenever talking about you is inevitable.

I don’t want to know that you’re perfectly fine.

stoneseasonsx-deactivated201511

lovequotesrus

Everything you love is here

It’s a few minutes passed 5 in the morning and I’ve been struggling to fight back the overwhelming sadness that has been with me for days now. And after hours of fighting back the tears, I lost.

This is hard but maybe this is for the best. I'll try not to talk to you as long as I can. I won't say even the simplest hello. This will definitely be hard knowing that I already got used to things --- from those good mornings to those good nights. A part of me is hoping that I won't miss you and you won't miss me back. I'd want that to happen. Because by then I'd be sure that this is just a platonic relationship. A platonic non-harmful infatuation. Non-harmful. Yes, please let it be that. You offered me a friendship I could never imagine. And I made a terrible thing taking a step into something I'm not supposed to cross. I got so used to everything and that scares me. A lot. No, it's not that I don't want it. Maybe it's just that I know things could be gone in a blink of an eye and then I'd be down in crumble again. I'm scared of going back to square 1 where I'd be picking every bits and pieces of myself again. You know where I'm coming from, right? This isn't your fault. This is in no way your fault at all. This is a self-inflicted risk I accidentally made. Accidentally. I didn't mean this to happen. I don't want this.

Gotcha, boy. ☺️

I knew from the moment I stepped beyond the line, it was game over. But I still continued playing the game I already lost. Stupid, I know.

royejulian

1:03 a.m. // 1:07 p.m.

Most of the time, I’m just looking for a way out from everything. A fast and sudden escape. Away from the pain and the thoughts of not being good enough for anyone. I hope it comes soon.

psych-facts

Today I may be nothing, but one day I will be something great.

(via psych-facts)

I Never Cried So Much (in front of anyone)

September 19, 2015

I didn’t understand a shit my instructor was blabbering about. I was crying the entire lecture. Biting my teeth to keep me from attracting any more attention that I need. Shit. Real shit.

After the lecture, I bent down on my desk and cried silently. Marion went to me and gave me a hug – the least thing that I need. Hugs make me weak. Hugs make me vulnerable. I did my best so as not to make a scene. I cried, hiding behind Marion’s hug. Lumabas kami ng room just to give myself some space. Crying in a classroom sucks.

We went to a corner and I just couldn’t help it, my tears came nonstop. The excruciating pain I was trying to hide ate me up. I cried and cried like a kid. I felt so weak I couldn’t feel my knees. The only thing that was keeping me up was the cold wall on my back. I was half-praying that the wall won’t disappear because if that would happen, I’d be down on the floor crying myself out.

I cried and cried and cried. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone but the pain was so much, the loss was so great.

I never knew that he would affect me this much. I never knew that I loved him this much. I never knew that I’d miss him this much.

I cried my heart out. My friends didn’t know what to do. They always knew me as that hyperactive kid in class, the one who was full of cheer and laughter. But at that time, they saw me breaking down.

Micko.

Hi,

(Medyo sabaw kasi wala talaga akong maisip. Current situation: brain dead)

Sorry if this took so long. Minus the busy-sched and lazy-days, I just can’t get myself into this. I mean, I am that person who randomly types whatever comes to my head. But, damn, I always get drowned with things and thoughts of you, so much that I can’t start typing.

And sorry if this doesn’t go well. Gah! Here it goes.

Nakilala kita nung 6 years old pa lang ako. Funny but you won’t remember that. Haha. You were my sister’s first crush, which isn’t a surprise to you anymore. Back when we were kids, I remember you as that ‘Yes, mama. Yes, papa’-kid. You’ll sit in a corner when they tell you to. Talk, stand, walk and leave when they say so. I remember you as that kid who’ll just sit in the corner of the bed as me and Jansen and Trexie spend the rest of the afternoon taking a nap, waiting for your parents to pick you up. And that image of you was stuck in me for years.

I never thought na you’d have this other side of you. Playful, mischievous, sly and a person with so many behind-the-scenes na kalokohan sa buhay. Somehow, nagugulat na lang ako sa mga bagay-bagay na nalalaman ko sa ‘yo. An entirely different Micko.

Did you know that there’s something in you that makes you so different? Whatever that is, I have no idea. Basta may iba lang sa ‘yo. Something that makes me look at you in a very different way.

In your own kind of silence, you care for your friends more than what you actually show. You are that discrete yet protective kind of friend. Labo ‘no? Ewan ko kung sa nakikita ko lang ba to o sadyang ikaw lang talaga yung taong mahirap basahin. Tipong mga kaibigan mo lang talaga ang nakakabasa sa ‘yo behind those smiles that you always seem to wear. And honestly, hanggang ngayon hirap akong basahin ka. You are that ‘I think a lot but don’t say much’-kind of a person. You have this invisible wall around you. Parang wala pero meron. It’s easy to make friends with you. But you keep people away from your “zone”. It’s as if you are scared of letting people know so much about you.

The irony is, you know so much about other people – your friends for that matter. You are the epitome of a good listener. Really. The way you listen to your friends amazes me. And you have no idea how much that means to us. Despite the fact that you have your own battle and struggles you are fighting, you still keep on being that one great friend – pushing us, helping us, and cheering us all the way. Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Tough, eh?

I know you’re tired. I know you’re physically and emotionally drained. But you have to keep going.

And I hope you remember that I’m always here for you and I fully intend on staying in your life. If ever, when ever, however – you need me… I’ll be right here, asawa ko. Always.

The worst part of making someone smile and laugh whenever they're down is the fact that you could see them laughing but deep inside them they're still in tears and you know exactly how damn shit fucked up that feels.

kushandwizdom

Being happy shouldn’t be this hard.

via KushandWizdom (via kushandwizdom)

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i smile because i deserve to ;)