The MSA boy
Much like any young naive Muslim girl, I thought I’d find “Brother perfect” in college. He’d be everything: Smart. On MSA board. Witty. Verse on all things pop culture. A beard that would put all to shame. A haircut like a hipster. A Hafiz with sense of humor. A senior with an engineering degree, or perhaps a grad student.
The perfect Muslim guy, right?
I had this idea in my head forever and couldn’t quite shake it. It was this romantic notion that a guy would get to know me for me, thru involvement…or from a friend…or at some MSA event. It should probably initiate around junior and senior year one might figure, any earlier and it’s premature– no one is emotionally or financially ready to be in a life long marriage, and will only result in heartache.
I remember, and here’s the lesson, an older friend of mine maybe 10 years my senior told me about her experience in college. She was much like me: Palestinian, practicing, wore hijab, super involved in the community both Muslim and not, avid MSAer. She said something that I didn’t want to hear.
"You’re NOT going to find you’re husband in college or university. …Trust me"
Hold up–you’re saying the whole foundation of the rest of my life, the start of my perfect plan is…a lie?
"I KNOW what your thinking. You’re going to meet this really cool guy, he’s going to be the sweetest guy, who’s involved and really into Islam. But, trust me when I say they’re kids" But there are older guys…and some are mature for their ages "They will seem like the best guys in the world but the truth is they’re not ready, and play games. You’ll end up chasing them. Don’t worry about it Nawal, your husband will come after, when you least expect it, and will be established and ready and 100x better than any of those MSA boys" "Ugh I know" I probably said. I can’t remember what I said really, but I do remember thinking that I didn’t want to believe it. I spent a long while waiting for this brother to come, I looked toward the MSA brothers, then the brothers involved in the nearby campus masjid, and so on. (Don’t misread this, I didn’t overstep any boundaries or do any harm ish, nor did the idea consume me) I just kinda …hoped for something. I met religious guys, sweet guys, guys who were geniuses, and guys who were all three. I even went as far as to khadeejah style it once (which I do NOT recommend, should have listened to my friend!) but it seemed like year after year that this romantic notion that a guy in College will “ask for my hand” started to fade. I held the sentiment until the very last week when I finally internalized, “well that was a fail” And the words of my friend prophesied.
These guys, cool as they were, were well…not ready. And it’s not their fault, their mind after college doesn’t automatically go to marriage–he’s thinking job, cooperate ladder, car, possible student loans, (halal, interest free)mortgage. While a lot of sisters don’t have to worry about being a bread winner. Yes-we have pressures, yes we look for work just as avidly as guys do, but we also look for spouses, were emotionally ready. However, miskeen, the guys aren’t there yet, at least when they’re trying to balance that internship and calculus.
So the lesson is, don’t hold your breath. You may not find bae in university, and that cute story you had prepared to tell your offspring about how you met their Baba in college will have to change. But focus on making the best version of you. And don’t worry about it so much. You’ll get your cute story. maybe bae was once a suave MSA boy, but now hes a man, and you’re glad things worked out the way they did. Stop trying to force destiny to happen.
A watched teapot never boils.
But what do I know, I’m still single.
