Sometimes I'm happy, or sad, or depressed. Family issues still continue. My sleep cycle is so fucked up, that go to bed at 7am in India, following the US time zone. This is eating me up. My heart's not good. I feel a void in my life. Sometimes materialistic things around me seem so great, but their euphoria is fades away in moments. Caught up between memes and web series to cure boredom, I'm losing my patience to something I'm not able to see. Cholesterol took a fucked up toll on my body. And I'm turning a lunatic boomer. Once complimented as guy triggered by internal motivation, I'm these hoping for an external force to reckon my spirit. My homies were planning for Tokyo 2020 years back. Good it postponed, but sad thte 2021 sounds odd. I live through my fantasies in ny weird ways to thrill me( although it's short ternm happiness) . My chaos is troubling. Want to fix my heart, but not having proper sleep cycle. Want to fix my sleep cycle, but leg pain is killing me. Want to fix my lef pain, but have to lose weight. Want to lose weight, even tried it, but leg pain is fucking kills me. Want to fix diet, but sleep cycle is fucked up. And this interconnected cluster fuck just makes me hopeless, helpless, negative, arrogant, monstrous, and what not while I still have some privilege. The best moments always bring me to look for ways to conquer my desires. But the worst ones just makes want to survive to not cause me and fam to go through another death. I come yo a point where even having 5-6 sleeping pills don't make me go to sleep. Cause sedatives can get my mind to sleep, but can't ease my leg pain. Sometimes, life just feels like a plain endless motion of drowning. As the song says, either I'm comfortably numb, or my tears don't fall, or I'm just another brink in the wall.