The Smokey Abyss

This is for the nights we can't remember, for the hurt you feel when you're alone. For the beautiful fantasies you dream about that you're to scared to own.

[smokey-nights]

So I’ve been in such a perfect relationship for almost 3 years… I’ve been happy, mostly, obviously every relationship has its ups and downs… and we’re still together, but anyways I haven’t felt so disgustingly depressed that I haven’t felt the need to write as much. Now, I’m sitting here, alone, and feeling more depressed then ever. I’m not working and I know that’s part of the reason, but I feel like my relationship has taken a serious rough patch & I’m not that happy girl I was 2-3 years ago. I feel like crying and screaming but I also feel like I’ve run out of tears. I feel so misunderstood and people expect to much from me. I feel like I’m never good enough, not for him, not for my family… I feel like I’m a complete failure in everything. I’m so down, I feel like there’s no where to turn. I am mourning, the loss of my mother, and other family members…. I’m just so fed up with being where I am right now and when I try to change it I’m reprimanded in the worst ways because it’s not good enough. I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore. I just feel so lost and so sad all the time. I just can’t take it anymore. I want to feel happy again, I want my family and partner to feel proud of me, to actually love me and not criticize me on not doing well enough. I feel stuck in the same routine everyday, and I try to break from it but it’s hard. I try step by step, day by day… but will I ever been good enough for those around me or myself? I feel like I’m drowning. I’m just so fucking depressed, I haven’t felt like this in awhile and I don’t remember what I did to pull myself out in the past. I can’t sleep at night, I can’t wake up and push myself out of bed. I dont want to eat and my partner doesn’t want to hear this shit anymore. Not ever. My friends are to busy with there life & I’m silently going through a war with myself… trying to love myself but battling me… I know myself so well, which makes it so much harder to beat my sadness. Don’t worry about me though, I’m just venting. Ranting actually. I just want to feel happy and don’t know what to do. I’m so angry, all the time, so hazy, so mellow with everything except a minor inconvenience. I need to get away for awhile. I need to get out of my head.

[h-ea-lth-blog]

[danger]

[unpleasures]

[neckkiss]

via weheartit

[smokey-nights]

My sweetest aunty passed away yesterday... she was like a second mother to me, my mother too had passed and this was her sister. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest... I had such a special bond with my aunty since birth... but now I feel like my world is crashing down on me and it’s getting harder and harder to carry. I’m like a sea, constantly changing from calm to destructive... my mind like a hurricane ready to take over. I can’t honestly fathom that you’re dead & gone from me forever... it’s such a cruel world... the good die young and the living sink into a sadness cursing the world for its parting deaths and how the dead can’t come visit even for a birthday. I’m just destrought. Sinking into a sadness beyond any help. I miss you so much. It hurts. You were my moon & I was your stars. Without you I’m dark.

[smokey-nights]

I feel so empty inside, but this emptiness is heavy... like a huge weight was placed on my chest and I can’t breathe.

[smokey-nights]

October 5th 2020

So I've been really depressed recently and I haven't been wanting to post about this till I was ready, but I feel like I will never be ready. So here it goes...

October 5th, 2020: I woke up that Monday morning exhausted more then usual, I had watched Lord Of The Rings the night before... I woke up and hopped into the shower before work, I figured, lets be positive, its Monday and I'm alive another day... so I smiled and got ready for work, kissed my boyfriend goodbye and said my goodbyes to the rest of my family. Got my coffee and arrived at work, I kept thinking, "I wish there were a power outage today so we can all go home and rest on this slow Monday, we had barely any patients..." but then lunch came 1:00PM, I'm eating lunch at my boyfriends house, enjoying that beautiful sunny weather, so we decided to eat outside. It was almost 2PM so I decided to head back to work so I wouldn't be late. 1:50: I'm sitting at the traffic light behind a truck with a trailer attached (lawn maintenance) about a block away from my job. Patiently I was waiting for the light to turn green. I look in my review mirror and I see a Mercedes driving behind me, going pretty fast, I'm thinking "is this guy going to slow down?!" & before I know it, he's going even faster... before I had a chance to even move out of the way he smashes into my rear... my car launches forward, straight into the trailer. It was happening in slow motion, I thought about my family at the moment and if I'd ever see them again... The knee air bags deploy, bruising and burning my legs. My door was jammed shut, and I freaked out, so I jumped out of the window. I felt nothing at that moment, till my knees and lower back started hurting. I collapsed onto the sidewalk, crying, hyperventilating, trying my best to calm down, but couldn't. I called 911 and well I couldn't even think properly... I was in shock. I called my boyfriend and he showed up 3 minutes later. Told my dad and bosses... I got taken to the hospital, now I'm suffering, depressed at night, my car is totaled. I know, it's better the car then me, but it doesn't change the fact that I loved my car and would never see it again. I now can't attend holiday dinners or even do anything fun, I'm in to much pain, sitting up, standing up, anything that involves me not laying down... and even me laying down doesn't help. Medicine doesn't help. This has me feeling so many different emotions, but I'm angry. The man who hit me was 84... I understand he's older and my heart goes out to him... but if you mistaken the acceleration pedal for the brakes, and couldn't see me while my bright blue car was directly in front of you then we have a problem. That could've been a mother and her stroller... he could've killed me. I'm in my mid 20's this is the start to my life, he's ignorance and negligence could've prevented me from continuing my life. There was barely a dent on his car, my car took all the damage, all the impact... it was terrible. I'm distraught, I still can't believe I'm dealing with this. It's a terrible experience for someone at my age to have to go through... especially the PTSD that I've been getting while driving. I'm in shock honestly. I wish this hadn’t happened, I wish my body wasn’t so fucked up... doing treatments and shit three days a week. I keep complaining about the pain, and it seems as though everyone’s had enough of me. I’m barely eating, barely smiling, just sitting here remembering the accident like it was yesterday. My family wonders why I’m so sad all the time and I didn’t even know I was... I thought I was hiding it so well. But sitting in a dark room all day, I’m sure isn’t the best method of coping but I feel at peace with the dark.

[pokiniktniepatrzy]

[silentkloe]

🙁

[trying2besmall]

[champgn]

[paralysing-sadness]

[proedmemes]

Relatable [posted by u/amyameliarose]

[uncristalitoroto]

here comes the rain again, eurythmics c. 1983

[thepersonalquotes]

[thepersonalquotes]