niah

polynesian • graduate student • los angeles • san francisco

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32/365

I love you.

Three simple words that evoke a number of complex feelings including joy, sadness, anger, happiness, and so much more. 

I had always imagined that I was in love but I never knew what that truly meant. That is, until I met him at the end of 2020 where all I had known and felt was loss and pain.

We met in the most unconventional but more or less common way when approaching dating - online behind our screens in safety. He made the first move and soon enough we met then slowly developed a connection that was surprising and shocking to us both. Eventually, we found ourselves immersed in each other’s lives and had no intention of denying ourselves of each other’s time and energies. We’re an unlikely pair yet our differences were what drew us in and undoubtedly made us stronger individually and together.

365+ days later, we’ve not only grown in who we are becoming but we’re growing together in love and understanding to support one another under healthy conditions.

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16/365 - 2022

In the last few days, I've been nothing but a walking contradiction. I've felt pain, sadness, and grief but shown happiness and optimism until I'm completely alone and left to my thoughts.

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331/365

A whole year, if not more, has gone by since I last visited this blog. I see how little I posted but with the moments I did share, the feelings resurfaced and made me realize how much I not only grew but also learned since then. They reminded me how much writing actually made a difference in my life and how it acted as a healthy coping mechanism compared to the negative, self-sabotaging behaviors I engage in all too often. With that being said, here’s a bit of an update on my life:

I’m now living in the Bay Area full time in a house filled with people and hold jobs in the health and wellness industry. I’ve completed my graduate program and have my sights set on becoming a DPT. I’m finally in a loving, healthy relationship with a man beyond my wildest dreams and with whom I’ve experienced so many firsts with, but I couldn’t be happier that it’s him after going through moments of trauma and/or neglect.

Beyond those updates, this year has given me so much but also struck me in ways I hadn’t considered. It’s brought out my emotions and challenged me to live my life without regrets or apologies. It’s forced me out of my shell and to be unafraid in embracing change and growth. It’s taught me that I am truly worthy of love and respect on all fronts - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc. It’s killed relationships that no longer added value and prevented me from moving forward. But most of all, it’s given me people who are worthwhile and opportunities that will foster prosperity.

There’s still time left in this year so the possibilities are limitless in what I’ll learn but I’m prepared to see what they’ll bring.

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203/366

Wow. What a year it’s been. I didn’t realize how much time has passed until returning to this blog where my thoughts were internalized but never expressed in such a way that allowed me to reflect and track progression. Or even moments of relapse.

Now, I make a promise to dedicate time to me, for me. I have to acknowledge these suppressed memories no matter how trivial they may seem. I have to face these emotions I refuse to feel and embrace. I have to do these things in order to heal and to become the best version of myself, for myself, and for the world around me.

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68/366

Loneliness. That’s all I’ve felt lately even in a crowded room full of people. I manage to withhold the emotional state of who I am until I am completely alone but there are still moments in which I am left vulnerable before people. It hurts but it’s how I function and move forward with life.

Undoubtedly, things have become that much more difficult. I can feel myself becoming different and slowly shifting towards withdrawal. I can sense a new wave of depression and anxiety manifesting internally that I often believe this would become my normal again. Then there are even physical signs that life will test me even further. 

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27/366

In the hearts of people across the globe, a disturbance was felt with the loss of a man whose absence will never cease to bring about emotions with each memory shared. It was clear the entire world fell silent and stood still in remembrance while hanging on a thread, hoping to make sense of his departure. It is a strong, painful reminder of the fragility of life and how each day lived is a blessing.

As I sit here and reflect on the relationships in my life, I am overwhelmed. I am overcome by thoughts of sadness and with tears as I realize how much life has changed me.