Here's the my best recollection of my conversation with Gripi. CW for lots of mess under the cut.
For anyone (un?)lucky enough never to have encountered Gripi, unlike most gods they always take the same form, in that their form is constantly changing in size, shape, features and ethnicity in a way which is both chaotic but logical (one of my siblings once joked that they're like an llm, just a next form predictor so there's no logic to it, only enough consistency not to be jarring) but whatever the rest of their features are, they always have a visibly irritated, and constantly dripping, nose.
Fortunately I've never actually heard them sneeze (it wouldn't be quite as bad a human family because I didn't exactly grow up with them but still, gross.) They do, obviously, have a permanent cold though, so for your pleasure (and despite my discomfort) I have tried to describe their symptoms.
Anyway they arrived, (looking like a short, darkskinned man with a round face) and in my head appeared the words "Wʜᴀᴛ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴋɴᴏᴡ?" (As a side note, thank Rachel for introducing them to discworld, apparently their voice used to shift with their appearance which sounds like it would make interacting with them awful) . I do think the voice of death is a poor match for the general silliness of their demeanor though, as you'll see.
"Well I was wondering if it was possible for me to infect someone over the internet, say with a recording of me sneezing?" Ironically, their presence seemed to reactivate my cold, so I was forced to follow this question up with a sniffle; Of course, they responded to my sniffle with one of their own, which was really strange given they talked at the same time.
"Aʙsᴏʟᴜᴛᴇʟʏ, ʙᴜᴛ ɪᴛ's ʜᴀʀᴅʟʏ ᴘʀᴀᴄᴛɪᴄᴀʟ, ᴛʜᴇʏ'ᴅ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ʟɪsᴛᴇɴ ᴛᴏ ᴀ sᴜʙsᴛᴀɴᴛɪᴀʟ ᴀᴍᴏᴜɴᴛ ᴏғ ᴀᴜᴅɪᴏ ᴏғ ʏᴏᴜ ʙᴇɪɴɢ sɪᴄᴋ ᴀɴᴅ ᴡʜʏ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴅᴏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ."
"What counts as substantial, for example would an eight minute recording of my sneezing, sniffling and talking about how contagious I am do the trick?" They blinked in confusion.
"Eɪɢʜᴛ ᴍɪɴᴜᴛᴇs? I ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ'ᴅ ɴᴇᴇᴅ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴛʜᴀɴ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜɪʀᴛʏ sᴇᴄᴏɴᴅs ᴛᴏ ɪɴғᴇᴄᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴛᴀʀɢᴇᴛ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘᴜᴛ ᴀɴʏ ʟᴇᴠᴇʟ ᴏғ ᴇғғᴏʀᴛ ɪɴ." If it had been anyone but a relative, the way that they sniffled as they talked would have been distracting; unfortunately, with Gripi it was merely distracting.
"And if I didn't have a target, and didn't put any particular effort in?"
"Iғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ғɪɴᴅ sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴡɪʟʟɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ʟɪsᴛᴇɴ ᴛᴏ ᴇɪɢʜᴛ ᴍɪɴᴜᴛᴇs ᴏғ ʏᴏᴜ ʙᴇɪɴɢ sɪᴄᴋ, ᴀɴᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴇʀᴇɴ'ᴛ ᴛʀʏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇsᴛʀᴀɪɴ ʏᴏᴜʀsᴇʟғ ᴡʜɪʟᴇ ᴍᴀᴋɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇᴄᴏʀᴅɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ɪɴғᴇᴄᴛ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴛʏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ᴀɴʏᴏɴᴇ. Bᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴏ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʟɪsᴛᴇɴ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ?" I put my face in my hands, but touching my nose led to a tickle and then hhe’ hhe’ttshhhhhh a sneeze so I looked up before I answered..
"About eighty people apparently." A wide grin split their face, which now looked down on my from on top of an androgynous middle eastern body.
"Aʜʜ, sᴏ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ғɪɴᴀʟʟʏ ɢᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ ɪɴᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ғᴀᴍɪʟʏ ʙᴜsɪɴᴇss, ɪᴛ's ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴀ ʟᴏɴɢ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴄᴏᴍɪɴɢ."
"NO! I am still morally opposed to non-consensual contagion! This was a complete accident!" They talked slowly, as if asking a child a question.
"Yᴏᴜ ʀᴇᴄᴏʀᴅᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜʀsᴇʟғ sɴᴇᴇᴢɪɴɢ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴄᴏɴᴠɪɴᴄᴇᴅ ᴇɪɢʜᴛʏ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ᴛᴏ ʟɪsᴛᴇɴ ᴛᴏ ɪᴛ, ʙʏ ᴀᴄᴄɪᴅᴇɴᴛ? Hᴏᴡ ᴏɴ ᴍʏ ᴀɴᴅ ᴍʏ sɪʙʟɪɴɢ's ɢʀᴇᴇɴ Eᴀʀᴛʜ ᴅɪᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘᴏssɪʙʟʏ ᴍᴀɴᴀɢᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ?" (I have no idea how they conveyed tone of voice there without sound but they did)
"Obviously the recordig was od purpose; I was baking a scedario wav for sdzblr" I explained patiently in a similar tone, which was slightly undercut by needing to blow my nose immediately afterwards.
"A scenario wav, which I posted on snzblr. And on my youtube account, but fortunately unlisted." I enunciated better after the noseblow, but it soon became clear that wasn’t the problem.
"Oᴋᴀʏ, I ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜᴛᴜʙᴇ ɪs, ᴀɴᴅ I ᴛʜɪɴᴋ I ᴠᴀɢᴜᴇʟʏ ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴀᴠs ᴀʀᴇ sᴏᴍᴇ sᴏʀᴛ ᴏғ ᴀᴜᴅɪᴏ ғᴏʀᴍᴀᴛ, ʙᴜᴛ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ɪs ᴀ sɴᴢʙʟʀ? ᴀɴᴅ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴅᴏᴇs ᴛʜᴇ sᴄᴇɴᴀʀɪᴏ ʙɪᴛ ᴍᴇᴀɴ ʜᴇʀᴇ!?"
"Snzblr is a term the sneeze kink community on tumblr uses about itself, we call recordings of sneezing wavs (presumably for some historical reason) and a scenario means I was acting, playing a character and talking, rather than just, y'know, sneezing." I ironically punctuated the end of this explanation with a quick hhitshhew.
"Tʜᴇʀᴇ's ᴀ sɴᴇeze kink?" They reacted in complete shock, breaking into audible speech and jerking their head forward to launch copious snot onto my carpet as well as onto their new cleavage (They now looked south-american and female). Unfortunately their head still being higher than mine meant I couldn’t totally avoid a shower.
"Wait, so you're saying that me being the daughter of the God of mild contagious illnesses and having a kink for a specific symptom that commonly spreads them is unrelated!?" I was probably at least as surprised as they were. "I always assumed it was your fault and that lots of us had it, I guess that explains some odd looks from my siblings."
"Tᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇsᴛ ᴏғ ᴍʏ ᴋɴᴏᴡʟᴇᴅɢᴇ, ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴏɴᴇ ᴏғ ʏᴏᴜ sɪʙʟɪɴɢs ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴘᴀʀᴛɪᴄᴜʟᴀʀ ᴀғғɪɴɪᴛʏ. I ᴅᴏ ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴘᴀʀᴇɴᴛ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ǫᴜɪᴛᴇ ᴋɪɴᴋʏ, ᴘᴇʀʜᴀᴘs ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴘᴀssᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛᴇɴᴅᴇɴᴄʏ ᴏɴᴛᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀɴᴅ ᴍʏ ɪɴғʟᴜᴇɴᴄᴇ ᴘɪᴄᴋᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅɪʀᴇᴄᴛɪᴏɴ, sʜᴀʟʟ ᴡᴇ sᴀʏ, ᴏғ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛ." Despite the literally supernatural amounts of snot dripping down their face, they smirked. It is always strange how much most gods act like teenagers when they’re at the very least as old as human civilisation. Needless to say, I flushed: talking about my parents's sex lives was not on my bingo card for today.
"Aɴʏᴡᴀʏ," ᴛʜᴇʏ ᴄᴏɴᴛɪɴᴜᴇᴅ "I ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ᴛʜɪs ɪs ᴘᴏsɪᴛɪᴠᴇ, ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ғɪɴᴀʟʟʏ ɪɴғᴇᴄᴛɪɴɢ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇʏ'ʟʟ ᴇɴᴊᴏʏ ɪᴛ ᴀɴʏᴡᴀʏ sᴏ ʏᴏᴜʀ 'ᴇᴛʜɪᴄᴀʟ ᴏʙᴊᴇᴛɪᴏɴs' ɢᴏ ᴀᴡᴀʏ."
"No they don't, not unless people actually consent to me giving them a cold, that's why I need your help. I want to be able to make wavs which don't idfect people" Of course, their presence meant my nose was once again getting stopped up, whereas theirs (now quite long with their pale skin blushed a deep red around it) was streaming rather than dripping.
"Uɢʜ, ғɪɴᴇ. I ᴄᴀɴ ᴘʀᴏʙᴀʙʟʏ ᴛᴇᴀᴄʜ ʏᴏᴜ sᴏᴍᴇ ᴛᴇᴄʜɴɪǫᴜᴇs, ʙᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ'ʟʟ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴛᴏ sʜᴏᴡ ᴍᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴘʀᴏᴄᴇss ғɪʀsᴛ ᴀɴᴅ I ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ɴᴏ ᴘʀᴏᴍɪsᴇs ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡᴏɴ'ᴛ ʙᴇ sᴛʀɪɴɢs ᴀᴛᴛᴀᴄʜᴇᴅ." I sighed, making porn in front of a parent was even less attractive of an idea than talking about my parents having sex, but I did need this knowledge.
"Alright, if I must, but it will just be a quick 30 second one. Does the scenario matter or will the recording be just as contagious if I pretend I'm making myself sneeze with allergies." They sighed and rolled their eyes, which were currently a piercing green,
"Dᴏ ᴛʜᴇʏ ɴᴏᴛ ᴛᴇᴀᴄʜ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀɴʏᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴍᴀɢɪᴄ? Iɴᴛᴇɴᴛ ᴍᴀᴛᴛᴇʀs! ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴛʜɪɴᴋɪɴɢ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ɢɪᴠɪɴɢ sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴀ ᴄᴏʟᴅ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴍᴀɢɪᴄ ᴡɪʟʟ ʟᴀᴛᴄʜ ᴏɴᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʀʏ ᴛᴏ ᴇɴᴀʙʟᴇ ɪᴛ. Hᴏᴡᴇᴠᴇʀ, ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ɢɪᴠᴇ sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴀ ᴄᴏʟᴅ ɪғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴏɴᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ɢɪᴠɪɴɢ sᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴀ ᴄᴏʟᴅ ᴏᴠᴇʀ ᴛʜᴇ ɪɴᴛᴇʀɴᴇᴛ ʀᴇǫᴜɪʀᴇs ᴀᴛ ʟᴇᴀsᴛ sᴏᴍᴇ ᴇғғᴏʀᴛ," I thought for a moment,
"Alright, I think I know the scenario." I climbed onto my bed, got out my mic and started my spiel.
"Hey baby" I murmured in a low, sleepy voice. "How was work?" I sniffed soggily, grateful for the cold which means I don't need to do things out of order and induce first. "That's good, and you don't need to worry about me, just focus on not getting sick yourself before the presentation." I sniffed again. "Really, the presentation is cancelled?" I lean close to the mic and rub my nose. "And you want a few days off cuddling me in bed?"
”Well, if you insist.” I sniffed again, "I assume you want me to sneeze on you?" I paused "thought so, okay come and sit next to me" I patted the bed and sniffed again. "My nose is hh'e" I hitched slightly. "Very sensitive, the slightest touch could set me off." I summoned my willpower and made myself sneeze three times: hhhhee'tcheew hhhhe'tchieww eh'hhhhe' tcheeeww. "Oops, I think I got you" I said in a teasing tone, then stopped the recording.
"Rɪɢʜᴛ." they paused "Wᴇʟʟ… I ᴅᴇғɪɴɪᴛᴇʟʏ ʙᴇʟɪᴇᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇ sɴᴇᴇᴢɪɴɢ ᴋɪɴᴋ ɴᴏᴡ. I ᴍɪɢʜᴛ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ɢᴇᴛ ɪᴛ?" They paused, then continued, "Bᴜᴛ ʏᴇᴀʜ, ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴀʙsᴏʟᴜᴛᴇʟʏ ʙᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴀɢɪᴏᴜs, ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴍɪɴᴅ ᴡᴀs ᴅʀɪᴘᴘɪɴɢ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛs ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ɢᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ sɪᴄᴋ"
"What do you mean you believe me now? And I know that my wavs are contagious, I'm looking for a cure not a diagnosis."
"Uɢʜ, ᴄᴜʀᴇ, ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴀ ʜᴏʀʀɪʙʟᴇ ᴡᴏʀᴅ! Wᴇʟʟ, ᴛʜᴇ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛs ɪɴ ʏᴏᴜʀ ʜᴇᴀᴅ ᴀs ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʟᴀʏᴀᴄᴛᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴅᴇғɪɴɪᴛᴇʟʏ ᴡᴇʀᴇɴ'ᴛ ᴄʜᴀsᴛᴇ, ᴀɴᴅ ᴀs ғᴏʀ ᴀ sᴏʟᴜᴛɪᴏɴ ʏᴏᴜ ᴍɪɢʜᴛ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴛᴏ ɢɪᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴀ ᴍɪɴᴜᴛᴇ." They were beginning to look more muscular again, and getting taller, but their symptoms had stayed pretty consistent (not needing to cough is a side benefit of not having to breath I suppose)
"Hold on!" I was (obviously) not happy. "You were reading my mind? How is that even within your domain."
"Oʜ, ɪᴛ ɪsɴ'ᴛ I ɢᴏᴛ Lᴀɢɪ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ɪᴛ."
"There's another god watching this?!"
"Sᴜʀᴇ, ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ's ᴍᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴍʏ ғɪᴠᴇ ʙᴇsᴛɪᴇs, ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏsᴛ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴇsᴛɪɴɢ ᴛʜɪɴɢ ᴡʜᴀᴛ ʜᴀs ʜᴀᴘᴘᴇɴᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ᴀɴʏ ᴏғ ᴜs ɪɴ ᴡᴇᴇᴋs." I stifle a groan, how on Earth do they still shock me?
"Fine, moving swiftly on from that violation of privacy, do you have a solution?"
"Sᴜʀᴇ ᴅᴏ!" The smile in their voice was evident, and terrifying.
"I ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ʙᴇ ᴀʙʟᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡʜᴏʟᴇ ɪɴᴛᴇɴᴛɪᴏɴ ᴛʜɪɴɢ." I reddened slightly. "Sᴏ, I'ᴍ ɢᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ ᴏɴᴇ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏᴍᴘᴜᴛᴇʀ sᴘʀɪᴛᴇs ᴛᴏ ᴡʜɪᴘ ᴜᴘ ᴀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ sᴄʀɪᴘᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴡɪʟʟ ᴄʟᴇᴀɴsᴇ ᴀɴʏ ᴀᴜᴅɪᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴘᴜᴛ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ɪᴛ ᴏғ ᴍᴀɢɪᴄ. Wᴇʟʟ, ᴍᴏsᴛʟʏ, ɴᴏ ғɪʟᴛᴇʀ ᴄᴀɴ ʙᴇ ᴘᴇʀғᴇᴄᴛ."
"Really?" their unexpected helpfulness was a relief.
"Yᴇs, ʙᴜᴛ ɪɴ ʀᴇᴛᴜʀɴ ғᴏʀ ɪᴛ, I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛᴏ sᴛɪʟʟ ᴘᴏsᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ɪɴғᴇᴄᴛɪᴏᴜs ᴠᴇʀsɪᴏɴs ᴀs ᴡᴇʟʟ. I ᴡᴀɴᴛ ʏᴏᴜ ғɪɴᴀʟʟʏ sᴘʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ, ᴀɴᴅ ɪғ ᴄᴏɴsᴇɴsᴜᴀʟ ɪs ᴛʜᴇ ᴏɴʟʏ ᴡᴀʏ ʏᴏᴜ'ʟʟ ᴅᴏ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴀɴ ᴄᴏɴsᴇɴsᴜᴀʟ ɪᴛ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ." As catches went, it wasn't to bad and it'll allow me to continue making content here so I took the deal. Watch this space I suppose.
