1Lord God, you are my Savior.
I have been praying to you day and night.
2 Please pay attention to my prayers.
Listen to my prayers for mercy.
3 My soul has had enough of this pain!
8 You made my friends leave me.
They all avoid me like someone no one wants to touch.
Like a prisoner in my house, I cannot go out.
9 My eyes hurt from crying.
Lord, I pray to you constantly!
I lift my arms in prayer to you.
14 Lord, why have you abandoned me?
Why do you refuse to listen to me?
15 I have been sick and weak since I was young.
I have suffered your anger, and I am helpless.
This is a prayer of frustration, helplessness, and pain. While reading this, I felt what the prayer was about as if I was the one praying it because I too have moments like this. There was a time in my life when I've had enough of all the mess life was trying to bring me. I've had enough of the lies, the trials, the pain. It was as if my God is no longer around. When someone I've loved and cared for for almost 6 years left me because he changed. just that. After all the repeated lies and pain he caused me, and the cycle of forgiving him, he left because he changed.
I almost gave up everything in my hands at the moment just to save it but God said, "No. Leave it alone. It is not worth it."
I felt like I was just existing and not living. I started to just be passive. Part of me is curious about what God is planning but a bigger part of me is in pain that I didn't want to talk to Him. However, days passed when I got tired of crying. I got impatient and wanted answers from God. I started to pray in frustration. I start to pour out my pain into Him. After that, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life anymore. I didn't know where I was. I was lost. I lost who I was. I didn'y know where to start. I remember praying so hard for Him to take away all the pain because it was killing me. I prayed so hard because I couldn't take the pain anymore. How could I experience such when all I did was to love and be faithful to Him.
Still, no answer from Him. I felt nothing but pain and frustration.
He was quiet. He was not there. I was alone. I have never felt so alone.
Then one day, I said the most courageous prayer I have ever said, "Father, if this isn't for me, take it away. You know how insistent and hard-headed I can be. You know I will always fight for people I love and for things I care most. If it isn't for me, take it away. Take it where I cannot look for it. Take it where I won't be able to reach it. Take it where, no matter how much I beg, it won't come back to me."
Then there's God's way. He wanted me to change my prayers. He's been putting up with all my requests that are actually hurting me and also hurting him. I used to pray, "Father God, please save us both, even if he isn't the one, I want him, I love him." I didn't realize, I was hurting myself and my God. I knew I deserve better but I settled for the least.
God wanted me to learn. He didn't want to force things on me. He wanted me to decide. He wanted me to choose. Because that way, I won't keep coming back to a place where I don't belong. He needs me to voluntarily pick up myself and leave instead of dragging me far from it.
Sometimes, in life, when we feel He is far and silent, we are actually just not listening to His answers. He is there. Always. He just needs us to realize that losing everything doesn't mean losing Him. For it is when we are stripped off and left with nothing but ourselves that we actually realized that we are all we need because we have God.
So if you are in pain now, if you are frustrated, if don't understand anymore, if you feel lost, if you lost yourself, feel it. You don't have to heal immediately. You don't have to be okay now. You don't need to understand everything. You don't need to find a way back. Trust the process. Trust God. His plans are always to prosper us and never to harm us.
Trust me, I've been there. You need to go through it. Im a bit beyond it and the view here looks good, the situation feels better. So, keep going. It doesnt matter if you dont understand. Just keep going. You'll be there where you're supposed to be. You'll be what you're supposed to be. HAPPY. Genuinely. See you there, brave one.
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