the great medicine struggle

documenting my disorder and medicine effects. spencer/margot | neuroatypical

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i think i’m a little sad and a little paranoid so. :(

not gonna let either take over the day. 

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ok I keep thinking my or someone else's phone is vibrating and I am abt to FREAK OUT

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one of my medications is used only to treat psychotic symptoms in bipolar disorder holy shit

why am i surprised

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being active is so good for my mental health and now I can't do anything for two weeks hello depression my old friend

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idk if im depressed or what but i keep going to bed earlier and earlier. idk. there is nothing keeping me awake so????

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okay so the first kickboxing class is free at the studio across the street from me so ! I’ll call them in the morning :’)

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waiting for packages, I found out today, is not a challenge because I am impatient, but is because of ocd. so. that feels GOOD

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lol

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going off latuda is treating me real weird all the sudden. i was faint and dizzy and nauseous this morning and spent all day in the wellness center. 

now i think my anxiety is kinda weird. i feel kinda not here? and i keep wanting to ground myself even though i don't feel dissociative or negative. 

idk. i feel w e i r d and sort of useless and big and i think my harm ocd is coming back but i can't really tell right now. 

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o c d beep beep beep beep

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i probably have schitzoaffective disorder. just after almost two weeks of near constant psychosis I finally have a clear day and it's weird. it's weird. life is weird.

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had another mini episodic type thing last night. there was a noise in m's room that scared me really badly and i was shaking and really close to crying and obsessing about it. every other tick or noise her room made scared me really badly. but i had already taken seroquel by the time this happened so i promptly passed out. 

who know what that was. 

we'll find out one day. 

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This episode started at 6:30 last night and it's still happening I'm scared

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my episode started at 9:09 am with paranoia that something was going on without me knowing, people were conspiring, reading what i was journaling ect. i walked home (it felt like it took 15 minutes), closed my blinds and locked the door and got under my covers bc i was afraid something bad was going to happen. i thought my phone was made of bugs and vibrating was them buzzing. i also thought my stuffy nose was not because of snot it was because people were putting things in my nose and i panicked about that for a while. 

i was on and off afraid of going into buildings because i thought they were going to collapse on me and kill me. i was scared god was trying to kill me again. i would say "goddamnit" or something and then look up, and apologize. char convinced me to go into lowry around 11:20 when i thought less people would die when it collapsed on me. it didn't. 

i was super convinced god was going to kill me and i was going to die.i thought my shoes were getting tighter around my feet with every step and they were going to get squeezed off by my shoes. i was afraid of walking into lowry, didn't want to touch the doors, and was very confused when it didn't collapse. 

i typed a messaged for char because i thought if god didn't hear me talk then he would think i was dead and maybe he wouldn't make the building collapse. i also thought char, mel, everyone was fake like an imposter had replaced them. i didn't know what to do. i didn't really care. i just accepted it and moved on although i was scared. 

around noon i thought someone (god) was telling me to hurt myself and i didn't want to but he was still telling me to. i was afraid that if i got any less in contact with reality that i would do something. 

cried a bunch bc i was scared about missing lab which i did. idk. i was very overwhelmed and afraid and probably disassociating and anxious. 

i was afraid to go outside again but mel convinced me that if i dressed like her we would trick god into not hurting me when i walked home. it worked.

i took about a 20 minute nap and woke up depressed and tired but sane.

i am so tired of this happening. 

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for the first 45 seconds of the beginning of my delusion i believed that god was real and he was telling me to kill myself and thankfully it only lasted 45 seconds because i don't know if i would have done something to myself. i probably could have. 

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now i'm exhausted bc that was so draining!!! lol!!!!

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had another episode today, started at 2:45pm ended around 4:20. 

i started with happiness + giggliness for a few seconds. then i started shaking and i was really flushed for the entire hour and half. had some intense delusions. they started when i randomly looked up and then was suddenly convinced that god was real. then, it turned into paranoia. i couldn't really tell m what my delusion was because "they'll know" and "they're listening" etc etc. i was very convinced that i couldn't go outside because if i did i would die. i was very very very convinced that i was going to die when they kicked me out of the library at 2:00am. i remember crying a ton. i missed my Jr. IS meeting bc I couldn't go outside and walk to the geology building plus i was crying so m emailed my professor for me. (she was rly nice and emailed me and m back about how concerned she is but w/e)

i was also really confused about what day it was, I thought it was late march. apparently i thought it was the day after my friends and i sat outside in the grass in like april or may of last year. i thought mels birthday had already happened and that we had gone out drinking and she took me to the airport hungover. her birthday isn't till march 7th. i got really upset when m said it was snowing bc i was convinced it was spring. i thought m was lying to me and i got mad at her when she tried to show me the date of pictures of what REALLY happened yesterday. 

so that was a fun time 

i'm pretty fucked up about this. one day off 50, took 25 mg last night.