my new glasses have slightly progressive lenses, and the glasses store assistant warned me that it will take some getting used to, that i gotta take extra care when walking up/down stairs becuase the steps will look closer than they used to, but i haven't had that problem at ALL. is it because i already overcompensate in the field of Careful About Stairs because i'm plagued by anxiety and vivid intrusive thoughts about all the horrible ways i can die while falling down stairs? or maybe i'm overthinking this
can we put “intrusive thoughts” on the ever-crowded shelf of “words the internet can’t use until they learn what they actually mean” please? because it is genuinely INFURIATING to see tiktokkers be like “oop shaved my head, the intrusive thoughts won!!” or “my intrusive thoughts are telling me to call my ex a cunt and tbh they a point”
but then when people talk about intrusive thoughts that involve violence to themselves or others, sexual assault, bigotry, animal cruelty, abuse, or any other genuinely horrifying thing, then suddenly it’s all “omg if you even have that thought you’re disgusting!” and “you wouldn’t think it if you didn’t mean it on some level!” and “ok FINE maybe you can’t help THINKING it but do you HAVE to post about it?” (and i’ve seen that last one commented on videos where people simply mentioned HAVING intrusive thoughts about the topics i just listed. not describing the thoughts in detail or saying what they entailed! just mentioning “i have intrusive thoughts about [x topic]” and suddenly everyone in their comment is jumping down their throat for making them uncomfortable.)
the point of intrusive thoughts is that they are thoughts you do not like, do not want to have, and do not believe in your logical, thinking brain. “swerve into traffic” “you could stab them” “what if you poisoned the coffee you just gave them and somehow repressed the memory” “what if you secretly want to hurt them, so secretly even YOU don’t know it” “what if you ran someone over and didn’t notice” “what if you don’t actually love your mom you’ve just fooled yourself into thinking you’re capable of love but really you’re just faking it”
intrusive thoughts are upsetting, scary, and often objectively ridiculous.
they’re not fun.
(on a similar note, it is genuinely creepy to realize how many people believe in thoughtcrime, even if they don’t realize it.)
since im awake and talking about ocd again - something not a lot of people know is compulsions can be completely mental, it doesnt always manifest in a way another person could notice from the outside
you’ll have an intrusive thought; you’ll try to analyze it and logic it away, mentally reassuring yourself. “I would never do [x thing]”, “[y thing] would not happen”, “[other person] wouldnt do [thing]” or even just “don’t think about that”. things like that.
but no matter how much logic or reason you use, it doesnt go away, ‘cause thats not how it works. So you keep repeating whats now become like, a frenzied mantra of re-assurance unable to think about anything else.
and this can go on for hours. or on and off for days (or even longer, unfortunately)
here’s more examples of mental compulsions for the curious:
I want to talk about some of my hcs/creative choices around Gihun’s mental health in In the Weeds.
This is my ‘Gihun could feasible have OCD’ thesis
I’ve got the feeling it’s gonna be a long post l o l
I this hc originally belongs to @vlkodlac but I looooove the thought that Gihun is drawn to cigarettes in part by how they help him regulate his breathing.
I work with a lot of traumatized dogs and I teach as many of them as I can how to take a deep breath on cue, and that goes a really long way in helping lower arousal and increase cognitive scope (nerd talk for ‘the dog can breathe, so the dog can think’).
This is useful for people, too. Breathing is a very powerful tool.
I don’t think Gihun ever would have gone to therapy formally, or he might have tried it once but not stuck with it. I think 1. It isn’t of his personal history as far as we know so he’d be unlikely to seek it out, and 2. His skin would crawl at the idea of someone else in his head. Not only because of the mind games trauma he has, but because he also has cherished memories he doesn’t want to have violated/gone through with a fine tooth comb/changed by being discussed.
As a person whose life is deeply intertwined with the major and minor impacts of OCD, I think that side of my life creeps into every character I write, but especially so in Gihun. I don’t think it would be hard for him to develop thought distortions, including OCD-like symbols, as a way to process the trauma and grief of the game plus the isolation of his self-imposed exile from the world.
I think he could easily experience obsessions/compulsions around:
1. MEMORIES (or whatever this one is called)
Obsessions/compulsions around memories are really common. He might relive things over and over in his head to make sure he remembers them the same each time, either to remember the positive and keep a person alive that way or to torment himself. Maybe he relives Sangwoo’s dying moments on repeat night after night to just make sure that Sangwoo put the knife in his neck himself. To just make sure Gihun didn’t kill him.
2. HARM
Gihun is terrified of hurting/losing people. That’s why he keeps the world at arm’s length. In letting Junho get close to him in ITW, he thinks he’s dooming him. This is why their relationship drives him closer to the game—it makes him more suicidal, not less, even though Junho could be something really good for him.
3. CONTAMINATION/MORAL
Lumping these two together because that’s how I experience them, and because I could absolutely see Gihun going the same way. I think fears that he is similar to the people who run the game/that he is the garbage they say he is would keep him awake, but beyond that, I think it would distress him so much he’d have to perform some kind of ritual about it. One of those rituals is present in ITW: feeling behind his ear to make sure the microchip is really gone, that he didn’t hallucinate cutting it out (this connects to MEMORIES). He also has some compulsive handwashing after hallucinating blood on his hands after handling the money in ch. 8 (you’ll see).
okay now that i’m several weeks out from it and back to normal. can i just say. the week leading up to my wedding i actually felt pretty chill and relaxed. it wasn’t until AFTER the wedding that all my anxiety hit me—like, first panic attack in months, barely sleeping, etc. and apparently that’s not super uncommon, especially in people with OCD/anxiety.
and idk, i guess im just sharing this as a heads-up to my fellow ocd ppl that sometimes when planning something big (not even necessarily a wedding) it comes AFTER the big event, and that’s normal, and that doesn’t mean you made a mistake—it means your body and mind were probably holding onto a lot more stress than you even realized, and now it’s gotta work its way out of you somehow. and it sucks! but you’re not weird or wrong for it.
"El, do you want to just dump all the info you learned about OCD while on a weeklong research binge, desperately trying to understand what was going on in your brain?"
Why yes, I do. Did you know it has a very high co-morbidity with Tourette's, and a slightly lower co-morbidity with ADHD. One research paper I read posited that they might all spring from a dysfunctional impulse control, though that was pretty much the scientific equivalent of wild guessing, since it was in the conclusion instead of the focus of the research
Chronic eczema sucks ass. Especially when you have sensory issues. Especially especially when you compulsively pick at/scratch uneven or dry skin. It’s only recently I realised how much of a lingering effect it’s had on me, I’ve had this since I was maybe 8 years old, it’s my normal, and as it’s seen as such a trivial thing if it’s not intensely severe, you just don’t think about it. It’s just another thing to deal with.
hey look, it’s juliet dunne! she’s twenty-eight years old, she’s lived in shrike heights for her entire life, and she’s currently working at the food court - lola's diner. i heard she’s pretty sheltered, but i think she’s so bubbly at the same time. can she make it out alive? ― imogen poots, bisexual, female + she/her.
penned by peta!
the eldest of two children - younger brother is finn dunne.
their parents worked a lot and where somewhat harsh in their parenting style, though juliet was always treated like a princess and it encouraged her bossy older sister personality type to flourish.
she always struggled with low self esteem, feeling unintelligent and behind everyone else. this became more of a problem when she started middle school, when her peers found out she was dyslexic and teased her for it.
juliet hated that period of her life, though it encouraged her to work hard in other areas. so, she’d never be a brainiac - but she could be more than that.
this is when her obsession with beauty, style, fashion and pop culture began. she improved herself in all of the areas she could so that those around her would forget her imperfections.
her plan worked, and she became quite popular. things had once been rocky, but juliet settled into a comfortable and good life, even while she still experienced struggles as every other person does.
college felt like a non-option. she didn’t get the grades for it, she didn’t have the smarts for it, but she was determined to work around that and find herself in a good position regardless. this is how her string of jobs began.
she took a couple of years to do nothing after high school, but her parents had to encourage even their princess to move out eventually. she did, and began working around town.
she jumped from job to job, trying to find one she fit (or wouldn’t mess up), and when the mall was constructed she was extremely excited about the job prospects. she first began working at bloom, then at claire’s after being fired, and now she’s finally found herself at lola’s. she really hopes she can last a little longer here.
juliet is fun loving and optimistic. she’s terribly afraid of the killers, but she’s trying to stay upbeat for herself and those around her.
she’s always needed to be in control. a symptom of her ocd, juliet hates the unknown and the unexpected. the killers are causing her to struggle more than usual with her ocd in many ways, but especially because of how out of control everything in her life feels right now.
