Journal solitaire (one blue hideaway)

DEEP REST ------ old lady girl geriatric millennial ------ l'âme bleuit

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socially inept on the internet

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I like how you can tell a movie is by Mikio Naruse, even if you don't know it, just based on the poster.

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I think I'd like to visit the Shizuoka tea museum sometime.

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I kept thinking about Bonnie Tyler since the start of the week.....crazy, and sad

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I hurt my teeth a little going from the frozen popsicle to the warm tea—but this is nice (it has to be, you know?)

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I heard Bangkok is very—all relative—safe for female travellers. Should I go to Bangkok? Lol, just kidding.....

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The teenagers at my neighbours' pool are playing Dream by Fleetwood Mac :)

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The teenagers at my neighbours' pool are playing Dream by Fleetwood Mac :)

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The teenagers at my neighbours' pool are playing and singing along to Dream by Fleetwood Mac :)

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Will be resurrecting within 2-3 business days.

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I really love my French edition of The Road, plus it was a gift from my best friend (at least I remember being with her at the bookstore and we were tripping over the shiny cover lol). The first and only time I read it, I think it was during my first year living in this house, so maybe about 11 years ago? I probably wrote it inside the book. And I remember posting a picture* of it, but it wasn't on here. Every now and then, I think about reading it again. But I want to read it in English too—was there ever a nice, cheap edition like that? I was listening to someone talk about Blood Meridian, she was praising Cormac McCarthy's writing. I've just had a feeling I would like it. I know I always say this, but I want to read books again.

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*I found the pictures (2) on my old IG account, posted on May 14, 2015.

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Seasonal depression in summer not because summer depresses me, but because the thought of it ending makes me want to die.

(Flavours of despair, it's all the same in the end. Tous les chemins y mènent.)

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"Hey Google, how do I cope with the impending doom of the summer solstice and the inevitable shortening of days?"

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It's a thought I had watching s01e06 of The L word, where Kit takes it upon herself to go and stand up for Bette to their father. That's how I got there. "Oh, I see. I've been a fuck-up to everyone dear to me, like my sister or my best friend. Never showing up. The complete opposite of reliant. But even when you've been this way, and they no longer expect things from you, as long as they're still here, you can always try and reach out, huh. Do something good."

It's been a couple days, I haven't done anything. My sister started her inpatient programme a bit over a week ago, the day after her birthday. And I've never replied to the last message my best friend sent me.

It's my grandmother's 93rd birthday today. She's still alive. And I'm still here, like this.

"I don't have anything to offer." Is that something I've decided for myself or something I'm telling myself? I mean it. I believe it. It's just doesn't feel sincere. Not when it's a conscious thought or declaration, I mean, but I believe it when I look inside. Can I trust myself? Probably not. This is one of those times I picture my body as a broken android doll left on the street, by a pile of trash. (Like in the movie Air Doll. I should re-watch it.)

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Maybe it's not too late to do something good...