Long, detailed guide on how to be me
Let it be said, i have no idea who i am. So this guide is as much for me as it is for you.
I think people are defined by their personal philosophy and everything else leads from there.
I believe everyone has the potential to be a bad person, and whether you're a good or bad person is determined by your actions. I think most people are bad and lie to themselves. I think I'm a pretty bad person, and i'm not sure if I really internalize this. But i can at least say it.
I'm a hell of a liar. Most people are, but I'm a hell of a liar. I think it stems from when I was a kid, I always felt like I had a secret i had to keep, even if i didn't necessarily do anything or know anything worthy of being kept secret. I've lived my life that way for as long as I can remember. I keep most things quiet, or i'm selective in what i share about myself. I don't do this on purpose its really just how im wired.
Due to this fact I don't really have a good sense of what is a secret and what isn't. I'm talk a whole lot about nothing sometimes, or talk about everything and get weird looks. Or i just don't talk. Occasionally a person comes along to whom I tell a lot of things, who doesn't care about how bullshit they are. I appreciate these kinds of people. I can speak my mind, not in an opinionated way but in the sense that my internal monologue of bullshit just turns external around them. My head's full of contradictions and my feelings about anything ever refuse to set in stone. So i think i come across as disagreeable when im around most people, since I disagree with the world and can't even get a hold of why sometimes.
Being disagreeable is an important quality in a person, cause you gotta question everything. The government for instance. I hate every government; every government fails because everyone is disagreeable and nobody wants to see it. People know but don't admit that their life is ending one minute at a time. And every government is fated the same. Only a few things remain permanent, like actually seriously permanent. For example, the quality of change is permanent. This works when it's true that nothing lasts forever; that truth creates a condition in which things are ever-changing.
Religiously i believe in some superior being. I believe in science and all that good stuff of course, but i think something beyond us created science. I think whatever did is pretty disagreeable and ultimately indifferent about us. But all this philosophy is making my head hurt.
Bottom line, youll never meet anyone with a valid sense of justice.
Continuing, i dont really wanna achieve anything with my life. I think it's pointless. I used to want to be this political activist, like all that making change and influencing people towards a better world bullshit. I thought everyone could be good, i couldn't wrap my head around why anyone wouldn't want to be good, or at least try. But then i realized that was because nobody actually cares enough, not to listen to you or to people that don't concern them. People are pretty selfish a lot of the time and only care about those who offer them something. It sucks but i kinda gave up on that kind of optimism.
I thought i really liked math for a while, I liked how the symbols represent different characteristics of the universe. Its the language of the universe after all. But then i realized predicting the universe was basically impossible. I was deluded by the pretty descriptions of the universe and forgot to realize that math was trying to actively communicate with it, and define it. probably cause we humans like conquering things. But seriously, guys? Leave the universe alone, i dont think it really wants to be defined.
I like pretty colors, and pretty sounds like music, and nice-smelling perfumes. I like fashion and makeup and those things. Which if i had to spend my life doing something, it'd probably be smoking weed. Weed makes everything brighter and funner. Everything i enjoy is made better by weed. Everything in my things i want to do list is unserious and trivial and doesn't frustrate me. I am lazy. Out of the seven sins, mine is sloth. I hate taking things seriously. I want to watch movies, day dream, get high, swim in pools, kiss girls, and buy pretty scarves i dont need.
I like chemistry because you can actually see things react, and if you arrange things a certain way you'll get your desired result. I want to learn just enough chemistry to create my own perfume and makeup. I want to grow my own plants and not eat poisoned government bullshit, and have tomatoes for every meal because i grew them in bulk. I live in a city so nowhere really to plant, but once im grown with steady income ill move to the polish country side or something.
And i dont have many strong convictions anymore. But i do believe animals are pure and innocent and I do what I can not to exploit them for my benefit. It's inevitable, i know, the effects of the food industry. But i feel terrible eating dead animals because they have beautiful souls and personalities. And the industrial, capitalist processing of their bodies to the point they're unrecognizable as deceased beings makes me terribly sad. If you are going to eat an animal, do so with love and recognize that they died to feed you. If i died, i'd let somebody eat my body. However i would hate for them to mistreat it or market it or make any profit off it.
I'll explain the way i like to go about music. Firstly, you gotta recognize albums as this whole work, treat them like movies in the way you pay your full attention to them. Then recognize that there is passion behind every note and lyric, and the artist made it that way intentionally. You also have to be very open minded. I dont believe anyone can hate a whole genre. An artist, sure, have your reservations. But every genre comes from a history of people who decided they wanted to pour a bit of their souls into something. Don't rule something out if it's not your scene; you don't have to praise it, just appreciate the efforts behind what it is. And music history is one of the best kinds of history, and learning context, or the time period, or frustrations behind an album make it sound sweeter, or angrier, or whatever the album was going for.
This goes for singles and EPs and whatever else the music world wants to throw at you. Anyway, a couple bands and artists i adore are Fiona Apple, Patti Smith, Pink Floyd, Soda Stereo, Kate Bush just to name a few.
Maybe ill make a part two, thank you if youve read this far.
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