Professional Couch Potato

Twenty something with buttery fingers who had threesome with anxiety and depression.

[socialjetlagg]

Earlier this August. Someone from my facebok group added me. We started talking.

By mid August, my family is crumbbling. My mom had to sell the car because she needed money. And i feel like I'm going to kill myself so I wont be a burden to my mom.

But A cat might've save me

Meet Olaf. He got hit by a speeding motorcyclist outside my house. I raised some money for his operation.

By September, I went out on a date with the guy I talked to on facebook. It was just a day after my birthday. I enjoy going to his place and watch some movies.

It's mid Oktober now, where's a time for Midexam. I'm already anxious before the semester began. Because all of my friends already got an internship and all i did is playing the sims and watching Korean Dramas.

I can't do an intership yet, because i still have to retake some classes. So yeah, from seven days a week, I only go out from my house on Monday and Tuesday. Pretty depressing. I barely go out on weekend.

Fast forward to today. I feel so depressed, I'm over thinking about my relationship, hence i even stressing about my Final Project for my bachelor degree. I realise that I'm gonna need a tons of money if I want to make this Documentary Project.

So, Today 18/10/2017. I've spent all of my morning looking up for how do you overdoze by antihistame. Idk.

[socialjetlagg]

I'm sick Of going out on a date I'm sick That I'm doing it to get rid off my feelings for you I'm sick That you only see me as a friend I'm sick Of catching a brief feelings for my date I'm sick Of realising that my heart is for you I'm sick That you cry over that girl I'm sick With all of this.

[socialjetlagg]

I loved her against reason                 against promise                 against peace                 against hope                 against happiness

Against all the discouragement that could be

[socialjetlagg]

I sat here with my friends, watching the night sky. airplanes passing above me but none of them are carrying you home. it’s almost Christmas  but you’re not here.  I wish you could be here,  To warm my days, like you used to.

[socialjetlagg]

no weeds or drugs can take me higher than being with you  no alcohol can get me drunk than your love no hangover is that painful than living without you no cure can heal this broken heart I FUCKING HATE YOU

[socialjetlagg]

Finally got my self together to get thru 2017

[socialjetlagg]

There's a phrase in old javanese "līlā lālana riṅ pasir wukir." Which is translated to Indonesian as berkelana bebas di pesisir maupun pegunungan which means in english, walking freely on the hills or on the coasts. And that phrase feels really close to me, I wanted to travel as much as I want, either it's hiked to the top of a mountain or walking on the sand.

[socialjetlagg]

I'm in an english club since I was in my Freshman year, i'm now a Junior and soon to be a Senior. Junior year would be my last time with them because my Senior year would be busy with thesis, internship and research. I'm very happy that I have them. They're like family to me.

[socialjetlagg]

I always love watching the afternoon sky.

[socialjetlagg]

She’s right about everything in this song. 

my mom repeatedly say "you look disgusting wearing this clothes" "stop showing your fat body" "you're fat" "put some make up, you look plain" "you can't show too much of your skin, because i said so" "you can't get a tattoo besides God forbid it, you're mine. you're my daughter" "you're wrong if you think those body is yours" even a good pal of mine told me "so what if you're smart? nobody cares, you're just ugly" "you're fat" "being smart won't get you free drinks on a bar, being pretty will" even when I confidently told people that I'm pretty in my own way they'll go "you're over your head" I might not be tall, not as thin as a stick or as thick as a brick, but I am accepting who I am

here’s some of my mom comments when i showed her the pictures

“you look fat why should you proud of your body?”

“stop showing your cleavage! it’s disgusting and you look cheap!”

“you can’t wear this! you don’t have a flat tummy and its fugly!”

I’m not saying I hate my mom. She’s a conservative and her religion is misogynistic as fuck. Her religion condemns female for showing too much skin. besides the religion part, she’s constructed by the society that pretty and sexy means skinny.  

[dearmyblank]

dear fwb,

i don’t understand you,

for all your protesting, telling me that you don’t want to date,

you spend the night with me two nights in a row, sleeping by my side peacefully,

you hold my hand like it’s a delicate thing, gently turning it over with the utmost care,

you listen to me when i’m sad, telling me that ‘of course’ you’ll be there for me, 

you care that i enjoy myself during sex, focusing so much effort into my pleasure, saying i “deserve it”,

you give me that small, contented smile whenever you look at me, and kiss me gently for not reason at all,

you spend the whole day with me, cuddling on my couch while watching tv,

and then invite me out with your friends, and sit by me, and have a care of what i wish,

while there are things you do that more clearly show that we’re not together like that,

things i find inconsiderate and annoying, that i wouldn’t deal with from a romantic partner,

i think you’re like me, that you don’t want to be hurt more than you’re willing to open up and simply care,

because you think i’ll find something that will make me hate you,

that i will get to know you and decide to be done with you, and it will be the moment you truly love me,

and i can’t really promise that i won’t,

but right now, all i want is to be near you, to hold you close and care for you,

and i don’t really care what you call it,

maybe that’s why i see these little things you do with such care, because i do those things as well,

and i don’t really care if you don’t ever feel the same as i do, 

i can only hope, that if you do catch feelings, you’ll be honest with yourself, and with me,

all my love,

your friend

[socialjetlagg]

Whatever we have now, I wished it lasted forever as long we live. There’s a massive gap between us, a cliff that we’re willing to leap over, together. You’re the one who was willing to swim against the tide with me. Because you know how it felt like when we’re together.

[socialjetlagg]

My cat just attached this poor little bird this morning :( poor birdy.

[socialjetlagg]

I am a goddess

[socialjetlagg]

Dermatillomania. It's a real thing and I've been together with this mental disorder since I was a kid. It feels so much better when I just picked my skins every time I get anxious. Anxiety is also a best friend of mine.

[socialjetlagg]

I broke up with my long time partner. And I write so much about our relationship like how bumpy it is. Since it's already over. I'll publish some of it here. It'll be tagged as "Dear Andrew"

[socialjetlagg]

Today I went into a field assignment for one of my crouse I took this semester called TV Journalism. We're supposed to do reporting like whatever they did in TV News. I was reporting about International Labor Day. I realized, I did not enjoy it. Like i didn't want to show people the visual of what's happening. I want to take them there! I want to write the side story on what's going on. Because 5W + 1H is too mainstream. Semester wise, I'm just going to be a writer and that's it.