Ranking Melee Weapons in Fallout N.V.
(absolute parody, entertaining pupose only.)
Except its not even ranking, its just me japping about every shitty garbage i picked from the ground (actually, from a dead body, more likely) and managed to swing.
CLEVER-One of the first blades i managed to put my dirty fingers on. Here i am, throwing my knife away because i saw it lying on some sink or smth (i dont remember honestly, thats how common they are...) So exited to chop down my enemies. And what a dogshit weapon it was. Theres just something so unsatisfaing about it. Maybe the animations, maybe the texture. I would say its just not my preference. I dont like the texture of it new vegas. Oh, and also the damage is painfully low. I came for a pissed chef Ramsey chopping down ungratefull customers experience, and all i got is chimpanze on chems, dancing intepretative dance with plastic toy clever in its chubby hand, picked up completly by luck in chem fuelled craze. On a scale from 0 to 10 i give it a total of MEH.
Knife-Kitchen knife if i recall correctly. Now thats a classic. Its the lovely sister of clever, and shares his shitty stats. Has lovely 4 damage(atleast in MY game, in MY playthrough.) And i dont hate her for it. For my courier, it matters more if the weapon is cool. Sadly i throved it away the second i found that lame cleaver. I was greedy for something better, not realising i alredy had good stuff. Slicing enemies is very satysfaing. If you feeling like a Londonier, or Krakowiaczek, and want to do classic Jeff the Killer macabre, but dont have enough hours in the game to unlock more unique stuff, i higly recoment the humbly kitchen knife. Now THIS is the tool that makes you feel like a Cheff Ramsey.
Pipe Lead-I remembered it as JUST pipe. But nooo, its special, Its LEAD pipe. Thus the name. Pipe of lead. I hate it. Another weapon i had high hopes for. Here i am, whopping powder fellas in my first big mission in lovely prim town(Oh sweet lord, pray i put the right name of town in here. I have BAD memory for names and im to lazy to look it up.) Was using tire iron at the time. Same situation as knife and cleaver debate.(Debate in a way im debating myself in my head when im bored)I pick it up. I see more damage and name PIPe. Beating people with pipe is a very iconic and funny thing to do for melee comunity.(community in a way I and other I's make community inside my head)And what do i see? This short, bulky and fat joke of metalworking. My only issue with this weapon is the look. Listen, theres just something lacking in it. Its bulkier than tire, but much shorter, and it doesnt feel comfortable to swing. Absolute opposite of what i imagine everytime i thinking "Pipe". Maybe its because its a special LEAD one? Idk. Feels like you picked up the lesser uncool one, after your friends picked all the cool ones, and you had to improvise. Even more naah than clever.
Tire Iron-Now this is a beaty. This is kinda what i imagine pipes looks like. Its slender. Its gracefull. Its deadly. Its a very good melee weapon starter(IN MY OPIINIIIOOON) and theres something so iconic, beating up the strongest opponents with this piece of metal and your own will. Very good material for memes. Also the feel. The look. Its very fast mutilation tool. Its loong but not too long. It has this nice cane curve at the end so its not boring. Like lobotomised Nadziak. And beating up people? So satisfaing with this tool. I admit, carried me to Novac. True joy, i tell you. So good, that theres not much to say.
Straight raizor-Of course every weapon in this game needs to have a special little name. Its not just pipe. Its not just Tire. Noo, now por Zuś has to goo to wikis and search correct names. And not recognising any because i had differnt names for them in my head. Other than that i really like it. Gonna use it at the end game then i buff out enough. Now you could say thats its shitty, and a cactus prickle has more damage. I agree. But chaotic good barbarian showed a good point.(check out the animation if you havent already.) First off all, its classy. I love this kind of raizor, and cutting something with it was a little dream of mine. But cutting something in real life would be rather tedious. I propably would have damaged it and stuff. But fallout nv lets me to enjoy this experience with no comeback. And the animation is exactly what i imagined what it looks like to fight with a raizor. Sadly taking down even little mantis takes ages. And in those ages you can be gifted with a lot of damage for sliced victim. But if you want to deliver a special kind of message to special kind of enemies, destroy them with it, please, it would be so funny. And classy. Like, special sorpressa to Benny, Ceasar and whatnot. Death by the 100 cuts, like our ancestors intended.
Hatchet-Another classy tool that makes you look like a psycho. I found it maybe in some shack or smth and thought "Mmm why not?" Chopped down ghouls in send ghouls to space mission. It was an absolute blast. My feral energy outmatched them. Put on some blight rags, turned on third person, and the horror sentence started for all those poor ghouls hidden in corridors. Sadly didnt have the occasion to use it after it sadly. Mostly because i fighted a lot of armored enemies, and it wasnt the same. But for lil ghouls? Hell yea. Then it comes to looks, that is the most fucked up hatchet i've seen. The blade is so wide, but the stick so small? And its so short and plain looking. But for some reason it works for me more than the pipe? I was always a blade girl i guess.
Machete-a lot of those fell from the legion. Like so much. OF COURSE guys like them would you a MACHETE of all weapons. And its the shitty type that i hate. The one with a square end. Eww. Whenever i see a machete in a game i get hyped up, use it once, and get dissapointed. They just dont feel right. And this one? The most unsexy shitto ever. HUGE meh. So basic also. Oh? Youre a melee? And you chop with a basic ahh machete? Haha okay loser.
Police baton(it means bar in my language. Like snickers or mars. This kind of bar.)-i saw the word police, and thought "Eww".
All those sledge hammers and clubs-Im a blade girly and i hate big chubby and heavy weapons. Just not my aestetic, really. I dont even pick them up honestly.
Shovel-My nickname in chat was actually Mighty shovel(I named myself like that and others just picked it up.) It was my aestetic. So to this day i feel obliged to fight with it everytime i have such chance. And in fallout i did have. At first i swinged it once and Ewwed. Something about the swing being a little longer than the tire one discouraged me. But some time later i tried again and loved it. Its so so iconic beating up the deadly mohave desert with just a trusty shovel. And the damage is nifty too.(No idea what nifty even means to be honest) And the swing is actually pretty charming in a way. my main weapon at the moment.
Ripper-Oh boy. Oh girl. Oh my mammaw. There do i start. I DESPISE that clanker thing. literal soul of wolf boi possed that wretchet thing just to torment me. First of all, the core idea of that crap. A knife BUT a chainsaw? Oh lord Garmadon, do you see this shit? I ussually really dont like saws like his as weapons. i happened to work with one, cutting wood and all, and i tell you what, its not so upsie daisy to swing it like that. They are not really made for it, you can very easily injure yourself, and if youre not using it properly, you will damage the blades and everything goes to shit. Its just so..ahh..like even thinking about it makes me pissed. Its the same thinhg with scythes i suppouse. It looks cool but is sooo ineffcient in real life. And saws look fucking ugly. Cutting wood with it? Mmm so good, youre so proffesional and all. Swinging it at people like Jebanaszka? Fuck you. And what they did? They made it to a knife THING. my lovely knifes are desecrated by that unholy defecatium. And Vulpie looked so smug owning it too. Its so UGLy. Ma boy, its look like you ripped an agave leaf and sticked it to you calf. Wait no, to your side. tfu. Anyway, ma boi, its not toof, its swaggless, rizzless and minus aura. And it doesnt fit the color aestetic too? Its just so weird and out off place. The quasimodo of my weapons. Remeber how i whined about chainsaws a text ago? Guess who almost died before figuring out how to use that piss mover. With goddamn endurance&luck 10. You need to hold it in like a freak, hold that button instead of slashing like with other weapons, and slowly move with your sticker for max damage. Its so weirdly sensuall and uncomfortably penetrative. And the animations of crits? Oh mama. I Imagine that little smut piss boi grining and sticking it up his opponents. Eww. Please, tell me im not the only one who felt that way. Its a very fitting weapon with all its themes and fuckery for our special hood boi, tho. Oh, but i didnt even mentioned the BESt part. The sound. The gods forgotten sound. Theres something so annoying about it, it gives me headache. Like i should put headphones on my ears like in reall life when working with tools like that.(Please, use proper equpment when you work with dangerous tools.) I can hear that fucking man screaming thru that thing just to piss me off. It RIPPS on my ears and makes my head pulsate with pain. Even when i oppen pip boi just to quckly change that crap, its JUST KEEPS GOING. Wrrrrr. wrrr. WRRRRRR. Kurwa, noooo. It breaks the 4 wall, i just know it. Its so fucking haunted. Even its name can piss on itself. Uuuu The ripper uuu. Now I always for some reason name it Shredder in my head. It just sticked to me. And i go looking for S, and have to go back to R after a confused minute. And the worst part? I CANT. THROW IT OUT. Because its my best weapon in my whole fuckass inventory. And it has one VERY SIMPLe, yet very important buff. IT.IGNORES. ARMOR. It carried me throu mutants, blueberries and centurions. It shredded them. It saved my ass so many times. Its cursed. I hate it. I cant throw it out, because it has a whole 39 damage. Tire wire? Fucking 15 AT BEST. And i KNOW, I JUST KNOW. That Vulva boi, knew that FROM the very moment he said "Do whatever you want". In his death, he mocked me. He outplayed me. Because leaving a shitty weapon for your enemy is to easy. No,no,no...You need to have THE LAST mind game of his. Fuck with the foe one last time. It smirks at me every time im annoyed. But i'd be damned, it carried. It carried so many times. Gyat dammet. What a dick hole.
Throving spears-Could be actually a fun thing to use. But the mechanic is so dmn hard to master. My problem with it is, that you cant just zoom-aim at foe with one click, and relise-throw with another. You Throw and zoom at the same time. Like, you have to hold it first LIKE you are aiming, BUT its timed and if you in that short window of time havent aimed correctly at enemy, it swing whoever fucking knows where. And to throw next one you need to click again in the same fashion like with the swinging weapon. Its just so cranky and above my coordination. Now I growed up on the mechanic where you eather poke enemy(with the same button you THROW it in NV) or aim first and THEN, and ONLY then you throw it. Now whatever the fuck is going in New Vegas could be only going on in New Vegas. That game has such unique mechanics sometimes. Its what makes it so iconic. I dont even say it with malice, or as a hate. I just happen to be sick with a terrible dissease called "skill issue". Im goddamn impressed and nicely surprised when i first saw them. I just dont have the heart to hate on some nice looking spears, when they happen to be in games like that. i ussually see them only in very surviwal oriented games. A surprice to be sure. I tried them one time to beat the challenge. Lost whole arsenal on missed throws. Eh. It is what it is...
I think i ranked every weapon i could find RIGHT now. In MY gameplay. There were also others like Switch blade, pool que and bat for baseball, but little silly me throwed them deep into inventory and simply forgot to use em. Absolutly gonna do part two. I had so much fun writing this shitpost. I love writing, i love yapping, and i love talking. And spewing bulshit. Dont forget about spewing bulshit. Now i have been thinking about making a gun ranking, but honestly, shooting in vegas licks ass. I could not tell the difference between guns, because i couldnt aim them in the first place. also i feel like ranking guns is so overdone. And everytime when somebody DOES the ranking, hes ussually a gun main and does it as a extra. and goes from the "umm the stats are really good on this one..." and it doesnt just kick it. Be free to discuss. No,no, i insist. Please, please go and talk to me about this wonderfull game. Pleassee.