mizumizu yuyyu by kikuo changed something in my brain fundamentally i cant let go of the amelisa water symbolism. and water symbolism in the whole story in general
content warning just in case: drowning, suicidal ideation
"Relax for a bit, okay? The last thing you want is for your carpal tunnel to flare up again. Besides, even if I fall into the river, it's not like I'm going to drown or something. The water's barely deep enough to reach my waist".
I'm sitting on the edge of a board, resting my sore hands on my knees, feet immersed in water. Hazel is standing before me, paddling us forward. Her position is unsteady, but I gave up on convincing her to sit down. The paddle keeps slipping from her hands, neither water nor wind is willing to cooperate with her, and yet she is still moving the board somehow and even putting an unfazed look on her face each time she catches me watching her struggle. The sun is out today. Light summer breeze feels nice on my skin. The water is clear enough for me to see patterns on the sand through its glimmering surface. Waves are gently rocking the board. Maybe she is right. Sometimes I should just let the moment pass. My muscles are slowly getting soft. Hazel's laughter is faintly ringing in my head. Eyelids are feeing heavy.
I didn't notice the exact moment I'd lost balance and slipped, by the time I gained consciousness my body was already fully absorbed by the water. The sand seemed deceptively close to my feet while I was still sitting on the board, but I'm drowning for a while now and still don't seem to be hitting the ground. One would resist, desperately swinging their limbs in all possible directions in hopes to stay afloat, but my body is completely limp, like one of a rag doll. All I can do is watch distorted sunlight above, partially covered by a figure struggling to catch me, as my lungs are slowly filling up with water.
I've imagined a bunch of scenarios where I'm falling into the water while we were riding to the beach, but neither of them ended with me drowning. At no point this river is deep enough for me to be unable to stand. I can swim at the very least, and I swim well. And yet it seems like my body betrayed me. It never did before, why do it now? What a stupid fucking way to die. Couldn't it wait a little bit longer, at least? Until I'm out of the water?
It hits me, suddenly. My body has waited for me. It was waiting for me all this time as I ran through my lifelong marathon. I loved running. Maybe I still do. Feeling the wind in my hair, my legs carrying me down the road, heart beating fast. Adjusting the pace, surpassing the milestones, becoming better and better each time. A lot to be proud of. It takes great endurance and careful planning to be a marathon runner, as well as knowing your limits. And without the latter, a marathon becomes a chase. Pointless, endless, and deadly exhausting. At some point, I started to forget what waited for me on the finish line, or why I was even running in the first place. But I kept running anyway, afraid of losing solid ground beneath my feet. Even when I felt like I couldn't keep doing it anymore, I was running for my life. My body never betrayed me. I was the one betraying it all along.
Maybe that's why this moment feels eerily serene. The water is warm today, almost feels like a gentle embrace. The sunlight is piercing though the surface, breaking down in a myriad of beams. What a nice way to die, after all. On a beautiful, sunny day, with my dear friend by my side. I couldn't ask for a better end.
My vision becomes blurry. Distant voice is calling out my name.
<...>
-- ... Hazel was having a full on breakdown over it. Which is completely understandable. She blamed herself for that too. I'm still a little embarrassed.
-- You're telling me you nearly died that day and didn't even bother mentioning it to me? Why?!
-- Dunno. Felt stupid. The water in that river was barely deep enough to reach my waist. It's almost like drowning in a bathtub.
i like to think of my recent hazel art and my art with amodeus painting lisa as thematically connected even though i originally had no intent to make them so
ive recently realized that somnambulism feels somewhat more grounded because i created it based on feelings and concepts that are personally familiar to me and each character has something i can relate to, whereas masquerade has a really intense fictional energy because everything there was added on the principle of "damn, this would look insanely cool". i relied more on various things i like in media for it
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