Unlike cheaters (male and female) who have a period of dissatisfaction in a relationship and don’t know how to work it out through open, loving, and compassionate communication, this latest guy (and my other clients, male and female, like him) fall into the category of players, not just cheaters. Though players are often charming, they are also highly abusive, though their kind of abuse is hard to spot. Like all abusers, players come from an entitled attitude. It is all about their needs and wants. There is no consideration for yours. Think for a moment about the classic attitudes of a player below.
Attitudes of a Player.
• Being with you is mostly about me. What matters most is that I am having fun, my ego is getting a boost, and my needs are getting met. I don’t really care much about yours.
• I like you, but I don’t really want to get to know you. I’d rather think of you more as entertainment and a prize catch. I don’t really want to take time to know you, understand you, appreciate or respect you. And, please leave your “drama” (i.e. humanity) at home.
• I’m not really a player, after all I paid you! So, don’t try to tell me that I’ve hurt you. I paid you (in the nightclub, at the strip joint, as a hooker, in the bedroom, with some trinkets) so how could I be exploiting you? It’s not my problem your feelings got involved and hurt.
• I’m great, because so many women/men are fighting over me. Never mind that I try to pit them off against each other to dodge the bullet of how I am hurting them by demeaning and manipulating them. I don’t really care who gets hurt.
• I’m not dishonest, because I mostly tell the truth. Never mind that I often fail to tell you the whole truth. If I did that how could I get what I want from you? (Like money, favors, sex, my ego boost that tries to tell me how great I am to you). Faking feelings for you, creating false expectations in you that feed your hopes that I may one day want you, constantly sending out mixed messages of being available but not available, and not setting clear and respectful boundaries is all part of my way of making sure I get my needs met, without feeling too guilty about not really paying attention to yours.
• When all else fails, pick a fight and run! That way when I do feel some anxiety about how I am using you, or want to get my needs met elsewhere, I can eliminate it quickly by finding something wrong about you, so I can break up with you and not feel bad about running off to go have sex with somebody else. That my break from you was abrupt and my accusations of what you did wrong were minimal (or non-existent) doesn’t matter. A players got to do what a players got to do.
Why Players Often Get Away With Being Abusive.
• To begin with people often fail to understand that a player is playing them, because players are often valued as “prizes.” Typically, they have looks, money, charisma, or fame. So, people make excuses for their insensitive, cruel, and abusive behaviors.
• Also, players typically prey upon people with abandonment issues so that they are more likely to convince you that there is nothing better for you. They even attempt to make you believe that you are lucky to have them in your life, so that you won’t catch on to the fact that you are far better off if you were rid of them, since they will only make your abandonment and self-esteem issues worse.
• Players often dodge the bullet of being identified as players because they are frequently so evasive. By lying, telling half-truths, pitting people off against each other to divert attention away from what they are doing, or asserting what a prize they are, they dupe you into thinking they are wonderful, instead of deceptive and abusive.
• Players seldom take responsibility for the hurt they cause putting the blame squarely on you. Time and again they attempt to convince you that you are lucky to be with them, and any time you feel hurt, want more, catch them in a lie, and want them to be honest, in their minds, the fault lies with you, and sadly too many victims of their abuse accept that this must be true.
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