im existing isn't that what counts @soft-pain - Tumblr Blog

*spends 2 hours waiting for a text based su ic ide hotline and im still not in yet*

it has been a long time

#i havent felt this awful in a long time #but i think this is honestly the worst ive ever felt #im glad that everyone is leaving me honestly #they dont need to think about me anymore #i can get wrapped up in this suicidal fantasy until im dead or end up in the hospital because what is the fucking point anymore.#no one will ever take me seriously #and the only thing im good at is being a pushover #idk what my method would be #ive never written a letter like this before #ill have to think about it.

trigger-incoming-deactivated201

This website is like a suicide hotline but with text chat instead. I would appreciate it if you guys helped spread the word.

#heyyy sorry for reblogging from you to here but this is important for me....

im fuckign hungry

#but of course we have no food!!!! my mom managed to buy a scented candle but didnt go to the dollar store to get some food!!!#now im gonna suffer but my mom and my brother will be fine because they get fed at work!!!!! so fuck me i guess!!!!!!!!#idk man my stomach hurts because i haven't eaten all day so maybe i just should stop complaining and deal with it #ive been meaning to start this up anyways so why not now. im sure i could survive for a while with all of this fucking fat.

i haven't used this blog in a while but...

i feel like im falling apart

#my family is slowly crumbling #my boyfriend wants to move even farther away from me...#i understand it's his decision but i feel like there's something that i did #he's one of the last people i have and if he leaves idk what im going to do #my brothers fiancé is being horrible and he's going to be moving here #he's already said that my mom is abusive towards my brother when she really isnt #he did something one of my boyfriends abusers did and when my boyfriend told him not to he kept doing it and never sincerely apologized.#i dont want him here but i know my brother would scream at me if i even showed the vaguest discomfort about it.#im so homesick right now my chest actually hurts and there's pit in my stomach but i can never go home.#my mom has a stable job and we're not homeless so im stuck here #she's in love with this place and im happy for her but i feel so isolated....#idk what to do...#i want to go home #but i cant leave my mom to come home to an empty house #i love her so much and idk what to do....#i want her to be happy #but i feel so isolated...#im so close to relapsing and it sucks so bad...#i want everything to stop so that maybe i can think of a way out #but i don't have one.

I'm scared and im upset and im tired. I wish this would all be over...

#this whole thing is extremely exhausting.#i don't want to have to keep doing this.#like seriously i am so tired

i really wish i could just stop all of this. im going to stop eating either until i lose all the fat on this disgusting body or until i fucking die. either way it's a victory for me because im just such a disgusting slob doing fucking nothing for the world.

#i dont even know what to do anymore #it doesnt matter.#probably shouldn't have looked at all that thinspo and proana stuff but at least im going to work towards something better #no one is going to really see this anyways unless it shows up in thinspo/proana tags.#i feel fucking disgusting.#all of this fat is just hanging off or my body and making me look like some disgusting pig.

Well ive disappointed all my friends and my close family

#i keep promising i wouldn't do it but i always go back on it like a complete and udder asshole!!!!!#i need to stop lying to people.#it just hurts them #but that's all i do!!!#i keep relapsing and i havent told my mom #what the fuck am i doing

Well i think i might have potentially ruined at least two friendships with my own garbage so i think that i should just lay here with a pit in my stomach because i know i did somerhing wrong

#yeab im a piece of garbage why tf would i say that #i really hope that people will understand what i meant but i know im a pile of shit for even thinking it #like why would i even fucking do that #mentally ill people fet enough shit as it js without me asding to it.....

All i do is take and take and take and take and take and take and take and take with nothing to give in return.

#goddamn it

I really want to make more friends... like the ones i have right now are great but i feel like im so draining on them... i want to have a fresh start with somebody... someone that wont already know im a shitty person.. ive already driven away so many people that at this point, getting new friends probably wont help anyways since i dont know how to fix myself. at this point isolating myself is the only thing i can think of to spare the well being of others...

#sorry..#i dont know what else to say #ive already fucked up so many relationships #i dont even deserve platonic love at this point let alone romantic.#and its fine at this point #no one should have to go through that.#ive become more and more like the people who abused me and no one deserves that....

I fucked up so bad what am i going to tell my mom

#why do i do this #my mom is going to cry #i dont know what to do #it's too hot for long sleeves what is she going to say when she sees this #she's going to wonder why #I won't know how to answer #i cant face her again like this....

I should have really seen this coming.

#all of my relationships have been falling apart and it's my fault.#it was no ones fault but mine.#if i wasnt a fucking idiot and didn't just keep lying to people.#like i know why but it's not an excuse.#i shouldn't have put anyone through that #and now theres nothing i can do....#soon enough everyone is going to leave me and eventually just forget about me.#at least that's what they should do at this point..#like i really dont want anybody else to get hurt...#I'm just slowly becoming more and more like the people who abused me and it scares the shit out of me #i dont want anyone to go through thag #so its better to isolate myself now than hurt more people.#im so sorry...#i know i cant fix this anymore #and i know you're probably done seeing me say this.#and im so sorry #i don't want to mess up any more relationships #good to know that im likely not going to be making any more any time soon #im not in school anymore and i don't go anywhere anymore #it is much better this way since no one is going to be hurt #im glad at this point #im so so sorry to those who ive hurt #those who ive put through hell just because they wanted to make sure i was okay #and im sorry to you #the one person who's going to be reading this #im sorry that you went and tried to help me even though ive gotten so much worse....#im sorry i probably ruined the past four years of your life.#you still mean so much to me #and im sorry i ruined everything by being so selfish

gyaruundertaker-deactivated2020

#i like this picture.... it's nice and feels very homey

I think something that is kind of disturbing is the fact that I have become so infatuated with a fictional version of myself that will never exist.

#I've come to imagine myself as someone who's even capable of forming and keeping relationships #I've made this person in my head that is exceptionally out of my league that im hypothetically dating #i cant stop thinking of how happy I'd be there with this person #but i know thats never going to happen #who the hell would ever like me #let's be serious here #im extremely overweight and it's only getting worse #i cant take care of myself for shit #im paranoid 24/7 #I'm boring as hell #i can barely go anywhere because of both physical and mental disabilities #im fucking stupid #i know that no one could like me at this point #especially with how i act #i cant even take someones state of mind into account when i talk #who the hell would just want to get hurt all the time because im too fucking stupid and insensitive to realize i fucked up #i dont matter anymore #the one opportunity that i had to be happy had to be wasted by me #and that's where it all ends #I'm probably just going to die alone but quite frankly people will be better off that way.

No matter what happens to us, I hope you remember I love you...

#even if it's just platonically....#i hope this doesnt come off as creepy.....#youre one of the only people who's listening right now #i just want to thank you for everything...#i feel bad though...#because i feel as though we're drifting apart #i understand if you dont want to be close anymore thats fine #i don't want to force you into anything you don't want #just know that i love you and still care about you even if we start drifting apart...#though that's something id never thought would happen but im still not sure #im sorry if this is upsetting #i know ive probably said enough at this point

I don't deserve anything.

#i deserve absolutely nothing #i dont deserve a partner #i dont deserve someone who loves me #im a piece of shit and all i do is hurt people #when was the last time i made someone genuinely happy for more than a minute #probably many years ago...#i deserve to be forgotten.#i deserve to tear myself apart the next time i get the opportunity #it's what i need #i cant do anything right #i know that if i even ask the person im interested in if they want to go out with me it wouls just make things worse #they probably wouldnt even want to be around me anymore...#god is there anything else i can fuck up #probably.#ill stop rambling...#unfortunately if you see this you likely wont be able to change my mind about it...

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im existing isn't that what counts