hard to be soft, tough to be tender @softheartedstardust - Tumblr Blog

Patrick has been gone for days.

The same person I mourned as if he was dead when he still walked the earth, the same person I have spent all this time doing....everything for.

Couldn't even do something about his shitty handsy gropey cousin and got upset with me when *I* finally did something about it.

But when it happened to him suddenly it's a different situation and he's allowed to lose his cool.

I've had blind faith in this for literal years. I got us here. I brought him with me. I have done all the hard work and all the planning, all the really hard parts of growth and change and somehow I am expected to stand by and watch him slowly and intentionally dismantle everything I have worked to do because he wants to get his way and drink for days on end and do knows who the fuck what?

I know I'm not his woman but doesn't he think of me at all?

My biggest concern was that this would happen; that he wouldn't be able to commit to the type of life I'm that trying to live, or be the type of teammate that I need.

Bobby is such a bad influence and I hate how alone I've felt for the last few weeks. He's been here almost a month already and there have only been a handful of good days. Some days he just wakes up in a bad mood and no matter what I do I am iced out completely.

I really miss the person I spent the last six months with. That person was so happy to see me and would lay in the bed with his arms outstretched and waiting for me, saying "where are you?" like he would find me in every lifetime. I miss him so much it hurts in a bad way. I am touch starved and neglected, and this is not the future that I was trying to buld-AM trying to build.

He ocillates between screaming that he hates me and that I am a psychotic cunt, to drunkenly telling people that I am the best and how wonderful I am. It's all so fucked.

I did all this to build a shiny nee life with my lion by my side. But I feel as if he's only here as long as he can use me.

One plus one doesn't seem to equal one, anymore.....

It got better for just a moment, but every day it seems I'm expected to give up more and make myself smaller.

I wanted a partner and all I've gotten is a mean pet.

One that calls me a psychotic cunt and has no respect for me.

I'll never learn.

I keep hoping this is just an adjustment period.

Just a string of bad days as we learn each other.

But in what world can I allow him to just casually threaten to leave, or to call me out of my name when he's upset? ("Psychotic cunt", specifically)

It has to get better or there won't be another chance for us.

My favorite dog in the world is gone.

There will never be another Gerrico.

I loved him so much that I know part of my heart goes with him.

I have brought the love of my life home.

Three days in to our new life, and the person I love most in all the world besides my cat sleeps soundly only a few feet away from me.

It's still hard. For both of us.

I feel lonely and starved for touch in this brand new world I've built.

I've kept it all pretty close to the chest, despite how it desperately wishes to all flow out; for the sake of not being "too serious". But at what point does not being "too serious" for his comfort start being disingenuous to myself?

There is still so much to talk about. So much still that I do not understand.

But more important than that is how much there is left to do. So much work to do and progress to be made.

I've come this far though.

And the energy I draw from the wellspring will have to be enough.

Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life.

I never thought I would live long enough to see myself happy.

I never thought I would live long enough to see all the dreams that little me had so long ago come true. Some secret little shred of me that still dared to dream; the soft light that kept calling me back home again and again. 🕯

I am so blessed to be me, kissed by the Universe in every single way that matters most.

I am loved so fiercely. Lion fierce.

I am loved by someone who would fight and kill for me, someone who wants to tell a whole room full of people he cares about how incredible I am, who speaks my name like it is an incantation of light.

I always hoped that one day it wouldn't hurt or frighten me to hear my name.

It almost sounds like a song composed just for me, where the water meets the laughter.

I have waited this long.

And I would do it all over, even knowing the pain. This joy is unmatched. Knows no equal.

I have built this all myself. I and the magic of the Universe alone have built the foundation of my wildest dreams.

Everything I have been dreaming of for two years becomes real in just over two weeks. Reality and sweet dreaming, melding into one beautiful thing instead of every terror I have known before.

I feel so blessed and so impatient to start the rest of my life that the hardest part is the waiting. The waiting and the mindless labor of packing and moving.

I want it to be over and done so that I can finally sleep next to him again and take that first bath in the tub.

Eyes on the finish line. 🌬❤️‍🔥

Everything I have ever dreamed is right on the other side of 19 days.

We both feel it, undoubtedly, and I have never been so excited to be alive and be in the moment.

There is still so much to do and I am so tired, but I know that we are almost there....

Our last little adventure.

Everything I have invested my faith in is about to blossom-because I believe it will. Because I have fueled it with stardust. 🌱✨️

My lion loves me just as much as I love him, but he is still scared that he will have to repeat his same familiar sufferings. Still secretly scared that his one safe person will become someone who changes into something ugly.

After I picked him up on Thursday night after work, he launched pretty directly into everything I already knew he was thinking- he is so thankful for everything I have done, everything I am doing, and everything I will continue to do in loving him. So grateful for me, his best friend. So grateful for my patience and unwavering determination that has made this all happen. He spent quite a few miles cruising down the interstate and talking softly about the future. Every one of those hushed, tender conversations is equally parts truth and fear.

"Would you still be doing all that you're doing even if you knew that we wouldn't end up together?"

He asks because he knows the answer, but needs to hear it: my love for him is not conditional. I just want him to live a good life and be happy. That is all I've wanted above anything.

The final word on that is what we both know: patience will lead him back to me entirely. My present is his presence. He already knows that my love for him is different than any love he's been promised before. The way he talked to me on Thursday night while I drove us back home solidifies everything I've known the whole time: he loves me, he has always loved me, and he cannot stop himself from loving me.

"If you keep believing what you believe, we're both going to get what we want. You just want to be happy. And I just want to be happy. If you keep believing, we are going to"

The love of my life, taking my hair down while I drive, and running his hand through it. Pulling it so slightly, so teasingly, watching my every reaction: every soft little sigh and moan. We belong to each other just as much as we have always belonged to each other. Two strange little birds, cheeping and chirping the whole night away. He told me what I already know in my heart to be true: I only have to keep being patient and keep being me. That man loves me, and I have never ever been so sure. There is a reason we made our way back to each other.

We stayed up late-all night, actually-and fell asleep tangled together, drunk, watching trash TV and his hand under my shirt settled on my bare breast. We got a little nap before I had to wake up to arrange the rest of our stay and get to my nail appointment. We got some BK breakfast and I dropped him back at the hotel.

We both drank and fell asleep pretty early on Friday, we definitely needed some rest and all through the night I could feel him pull me closer and put his arm around me, or cover me with the blankets. Such a soft love I get to receive. What a life.

Saturday morning we slept in, and I got to wake up next to my favorite thing on two legs. After too long I got a shower and he took a little nap, then the UFC fight started. What fun we had, drinking and causing problems in our own sweet way. Drunkenly interacting with strangers and making eyes at each other. He even drove my car. 😂😅

And Sunday. The sweetest Sunday. We woke up, and I was feeling sick and achy with a pounding head after a night of drinking. But my lion took such good care of me. He brought me water and found my Advil in the car, and was so gentle with me. So sweetly and so softly. He made sure I ate and let me lay in bed until I was feeling better.

"If I ask myself if you would do the same for me, I already have my answer."

The man knows me.

We checked out of our last hotel stay, and then we headed to the beach. We found a nice little one that I think is our new favorite. And after that he even met Daniel and Ant without feeling too anxious.

And then there was the rain. All the hundreds of miles I drove thinking it would rain, but right as I was getting ready to leave there was the loudest thunder and the sky opened up on us. It rained as we held each other one last time before we parted ways, and for that moment we were one in the water.

And every moment since.

What a world that I have built us.

letsbelonelytogetherr

— unknown (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

thoughtkick

“I have a million things to talk to you about. A million things we have to talk about. All I want in this world is you. I want to see you and talk. I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning.”

— Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

It's real. I did it.

All my hard work, my planning, my patience, and my loyalty to the dream are finally paying off.

It's all coming together. We officially move in on the 22nd of June. A new address, a new life, with all the things I've ever hoped for.

Look at me, kissed by the Universe in so many ways.

Still in disbelief. There is so much to do.