Nicolette.

💎mcsa

[sojuandtequila]

From butterflies in my stomach, To a knife stabbing my back

mcsa // why did you suddenly change into someone i dont know

[sojuandtequila]

I kneel to God every day and night, begging him to take my pain away. I always knew it would hurt but God knows, never did I expect it to hurt this much.

You know what’s the saddest part? I was ready to stay and name every stars after you, but you.. oh you.

You couldn’t even tell me or anyone what I meant in your life. You couldn’t make up your mind with what you wanted from us and where were we going in life.

We were good. We were fun. We were whimsical. We were in love. We were special. We were astronomical. We were .. us.

But I have to let you go. I have to let us go. And it’s not because I don’t love you anymore. In fact, I love you so much.. still, after all the pain, tears, frustration, humiliation, and disappointment.

We both love you, but neither love me.

[sojuandtequila]

Your name tastes like stomach acid and regret

[threewordusername]

be my redemption. be my undoing.

[sojuandtequila]

My mother carries her pain like a necklace.

A pearl necklace made of sweat and tears.

She adds more to it time after time, and bears its weight valiantly.

Pearl after pearl, its number grew with time.

Pear after pearl, its size grew with time.

I used to admire her. I romanticised those pearls as if those were proofs of life well-lived.

As years passed, those pearls become too much for her to carry.

It spilled over, leaving traces wherever she went.

So she made another necklace, and put it on me.

She passed down some of her pearls like an award, an heirloom.

A gift entrusted, or an inheritance, one might say.

As I helped carry hers, somewhere along the way, I began to have my own pearls to carry.

I put on more, and more of hers, as I put on more and more of mine.

It gets heavier and heavier. It irritates my skin, gets tangled up and weighs my head down.

My hands are full, my neck is chocked, and my head is barely above the surface.

I want to let go of hers, because I can’t breathe.

But if I let go of hers, would I be betraying her?

But if I let go of hers, who would help her carry those pain?

But truthfully, it is getting too heavy even just to breathe.

[threewordusername]

be my redemption. be my undoing.

[n-ehpamoi]

I suppose what it means, is --

I need not be caressed by it to be comforted by it's presence --

In the night, when I wake, the sight alone of the glow of the moon could put me at ease --

It needs to do nothing but exist --

And I am happy with that.

Intangible, beautiful, ethereal, and ephemeral --

I would take the soft and kind light of La Lune over the blinding light of Sol, any moment, from here to forever --

I just like when it's around, regardless of the form it's presence takes --

So I call you by it's name, because in a way, you make me feel the same --

"Moonlight." V. Rue, 2025.

[sojuandtequila]

I want it to be you, badly so that I rip myself apart and replaces it with shadows of her I could find from your words

I trace the image of her; the way you describe her, adore her, long for her.

I puzzle it all together, and it gnaws at me at the impossibility

My prayers slowly changed from how I wished you would love me, to how much I wish I could be her, how I wish I were her

If I were skinny like her, pretty like her, bright like her, would you have looked at me just a second longer?

Disney was wrong. Tale as old as time is not two beautiful strangers who grow to long and yearn for one another in love.

Tale as old as time is a girl who sacrifices her all to be with him, she pleads to be the protagonist in his story but remained as a background character who eventually dissipates into bubbles.

[sojuandtequila]

I love you. But there is no butterfly in my stomach or the thumping sound from my heart. My mind doesn’t race when I see you and I don’t feel rushed to have you.

But being with you feels like a firefly in my stomach. It lights up my day, you make me brave on my darkest day. You are there, and you are warm.. consistently, continuously and comfortably. My mind finds you in every corner of my thought and memories.

I am not sure if this is what love supposed to be like, because it is different than any other love I’ve felt before. Because I adore you too much to lose you, I’d rather keep you at arm length for a long time than to ruin what we have

[sojuandtequila]

You stopped by my door and came into my house uninvited.

You needed someone, so I let you sit there for a while

Time passes by and I grow to like your presence.

When it’s time for you to leave, I am left behind here with the shadow of you

And here I am sitting, not knowing what to do

I still wait for you by the door and wonder when will you come next?

Maybe tomorrow, in a year or never. But I wait nonetheless, for you to rest inside my house again.

[sojuandtequila]

We were together in our head,

Got married in an island with marsupial as our guest.

We faced the sunset as we uttered our vows,

You put a ring on my finger,

It was not diamond but sapphire as we discussed

You kissed my lips and I smiled

We closed our eyes and forever suddenly didn’t sound so bad

But you woke up one day, glanced at me and said

“This isn’t what i want anymore”

And I begged you to stay, in all the ways I could think of

I blamed myself for the longest times, posing endless questions of what could I have done differently— maybe I’m not pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough or good enough.

But I saw your hand wrapped around another girl downtown

I realised that, I am enough.

I have always been good enough. It was not me who made you leave. It was you and your greed

I would have given you everything had you stayed. And all I could is to give myself everything I would have given you

It is time to love myself, all over again

[sojuandtequila]

It is empty. It feels empty, and yet my chest is heavy.

I suck up the air as much as I could but it doesn’t fill my lungs

My mind wander into spaces and open up doors it shouldn’t even be : memories

Trying to fill up the emptiness with some memories we made— before it swallow me hollow and sink me deeper into despair

— We break promises, as our memories break us

[sojuandtequila]

You probably have found someone

Is she prettier than me? Slender? Sexier? Better?

Is she smarter? Funnier? Kinder?

Does she remember little things about you like I did? Did she tell you how much she is proud of you everyday like I did?

Did she hug you and caress your face like I did? did she make you laugh like I did?

Did she listen to your stories and took notes of your likes and dislikes like I did?

I am not saying I am better, but I am trying to understand why was I not good enough but she does

[sojuandtequila]

Had I done something different, would it be different? Would the storyline change?

Or have you decided the ending on your own and would still end things anyways?

Were you just waiting for me to slip up and use it against me?

Is there even anything I could do? Even then, was there anything I could have done to change the ending?

Hundreds of questions running through my mind. But as heavy as my chest gets, as much tears swell up, I won’t ask, I won’t pry.

I just hope you’d occasionally think of me and wonder why did we have to end this way.

[sojuandtequila]

You made everything about you, and how every little conversation an argument to be won

You did not see my effort trying, you only saw me as a kid begging

You did not see my effort communicating, you only saw it as me pestering

You did not see that it was us against the problem, you only saw it as you vs me.

You did not see what we had was worth fighting for, you walked out the door once you realised it was not all rainbows and sparkles.

You liked me because I was a mystery, a persona you wanted to win over

Like a game, I was played to be overcome and soon forgotten once grew bored of

I should have known better. I should have seen it coming. And I hate it now that we don’t talk

[sojuandtequila]

It was 2.30am on a random Friday night

We were out and running, living our best life together

You told me you liked me, kissed my cheeks and ran your fingers through my hair

We giggled and smiled as the world was silent and asleep

We had each other’s although the world might have disappointed us.

It is 4.30am on Sunday morning. The sun has yet to rise, and here I am lying awake missing you and the idea of what we could have been

You made me feel wanted but woke up one day deciding I am no longer what you want anymore

Love, don’t I deserve to know why?

Love, don’t I deserve a little more?

You have no idea how much I am trying not to run back to you and to beg you to take me back— but I won’t

— you let me go so easily, if only you knew I would have given you the world had you let me.

[sojuandtequila]

Is life better now without me?

Do you have more time for yourself now, without someone like me?

All I wanted was to love you but you see it as needy.

All I wanted was to care for you, but see me as liability

I hope you are happy, but not that happy

I hope you are sad every now and then,

I hope you are lonely, and you regret me

I hope you long for what we could have been

But most of all I hope that our memories haunt you every night

I hope you check your phone as often as I do, and you wish I would call— and get disappointed each time time that I didn’t