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Nikki Freeman

home is wherever you are

you and nikki had something in between you that you both were scared of and dealing with it became way harder than either of you thought it would. 10.8k words.

Her muse

you and nikki have had a thing going on between you for a while, but what happens if that secret would come out? 3.7k words.

I want you but the mirror won't let me

being at ian's fourth of july party brings out your worse sides and the truth you been hiding forever. 4.8k words.

home is wherever you are

contents: hurt/comfort, (once again), blood and injury, car accident, fem!reader and nikki both dealing with internalized homophobia. 10.8k words.

summary: you and nikki had something in between you that you both were scared of and dealing with it became way harder than either of you thought it would.

notes: this fic is looooong, way longer than intended.

It was a Friday night, and like usual on Friday nights, the group had decided to go out. The friend you had since high school really had a thing for late nights at some shitty bars downtown. Sarah, the total sweetheart of the group, was the one to send out the details. Bear, without a backbone and following Nikki like a lap dog, had happily responded that he and Nikki were coming and Ian had only typed back how drunk he was going to get. You had sighed when reading the group-chat, you were not excited for going out at all but agreed anyway, just to keep peace. Nikki hadn’t replied in the group at all, which made a weird feeling settle in your stomach as you had gotten ready.

“Y/N,” you heard behind you, from the one person you wanted least to hear from. When you turned around, she stood barely a metre away, a little out of breath, “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling,” Nikki said with that caring tone, like she cared about you. You snapped at that, all the emotions from the evening collapsing down on you. Your finger was pointed into her chest. “You have no right to come here and ask anything! You don’t know me at all!” That was what your mind said, but not your heart. You knew you were lying. No one in this world would ever know you as well as she did. She knew your body and mind, in and out. “Y/N,” she sighed while rubbing her eyes, clearly confused and lightly annoyed by your irritation. “Just listen to me. I’m not here to stir some shit. I’m here for you!” “No, I won’t listen to you. I don’t want to hear another word coming from your mouth. I’ve loved you for over five years and then you started parading around with Bear like we didn’t mean anything,” your voice broke midsentence, “like I didn’t mean anything.” A tear rolled down your cheek as you had admitted that. You and Nikki had never put a name on what had been going on between you, but now you had. You had said the word that never had come out of your lips, ‘love’, and what a word that was. Both of you froze for a second when that word had left your lips, but as soon as your senses came back to you, you ran. You didn’t know where you were going, you just ran. It was almost impossible to tell the difference between your tears and the raindrops that had fallen off your face. You were so stupid. Firstly, you had believed she loved you. Secondly, you had moped after her when she suddenly got with Bear and thirdly, you had gotten with Ian, the classic fuckboy, just to piss her off but he fucking cheated right in front of your eyes, like you didn’t matter. You didn’t matter to him. You didn’t matter to Nikki. You didn’t matter to anyone.

“It’s okay. We can be friends if you’d like,” Bear said, but she heard the hurt tone that he was trying to hide. “I’d like that,” Nikki almost whispered in reply, but continued even more quietly, “if you could even consider being my friend after this.” She looked away from Bear, not being able to see his reaction. Bear had always been one of her closest friends, like a brother she never had and now she had destroyed that. Bear reached over to quickly squeeze her thigh before putting his hand back on the steering wheel. “I won’t lie, this hurts like a bitch and it might take time for this to heal, but you are one of my best friends, Nikki. I would like to be friends again.” He was too kind for his own good, Nikki thought. She deserved him screaming at her for playing with his emotions like that, but he was too kind for that. “I’m sorry,” Nikki said as they could see her house in the distance. Bear waited until the car was parked by the curb outside the house until he replied, “I know.” He took a breath before continuing, “This will take time, but I’m sure we’ll be fine, somehow.” A tear threatened to escape Nikki’s eye once again and she quietly asked, “Can I give you a hug?” “You can always give me a hug, Nikki,” Bear replied and put his arms around her. Small, quiet tears left both of their eyes as they hugged. For Nikki, they were tears of regret but also from the platonic love that existed between them. She knew how much this hurt him to hear, but she knew that this hadn’t been a secret well kept. She was certain that he knew, somewhere in his heart, that her heart wasn’t his. She could tell it by the way he had looked at her after refusing his affection. No matter what he did, he couldn’t win her over, and she at least hoped that the friendship they had had before could return. That he would rather have her as a friend than nothing at all. She felt his lips on her forehead, as they lingered. A kiss that said good-bye for both of them. Nikki let her grip slip after a while and got out of the car. She leaned through the car door and said, “I’m sorry,” before closing it after her and headed inside.

#nikki freeman #nikki freeman x reader #nikki freeman fanfic

her muse

content: hurt/comfort. fem! reader dealing with internalized homophobia. 3.7 k words.

summary: you and nikki have had a thing going on between you for a while, but what happens if that secret would come out?

notes: this turned into an entirely different direction than intended. this was supposed to be a fun, short fic but turned into something completely else. if internalized homophobia is a sore subject for you, I do not recommend reading this!

it was trivia night in that bar downtown and like usual, you and your group were seated in the far front, completely captivated by the game, well most of you. you, nikki and sarah were a-game with that night's questions, answering them without flaws, but the other two were completely in their own heads. ian was mostly there for the drinks and fear of missing out on a group hangout and bear was staring at nikki, like an uncomfortable amount, with basically heart eyes. you only rolled your eyes at that, knowing his attempts of getting her attention were futile.

no one in the group knew how you and nikki had for months spent nights talking over the phone, flirting over text, how your hugs lingered a little longer when you spent time together alone without the others. you and nikki weren’t exclusive, but neither of you had been seeing someone else during these months so maybe it wasn’t completely fruitless flirting…? as far as you knew, the group didn’t know about you and nikki, but if they’d figured it out, the gossip would spread like wildfire. compared to nikki, who was confidently public with liking girls, you weren’t. it was a big deal for you to let out something so personal to the public. nikki, who had been your best friend years before whatever was between you, knew that and kept it a secret, for you.

the questions rolled in feverishly, with the next one being “what is a group of flamingos called?” you buzzed the button without thinking it over with the group and called out “a flamboyance,” which was correct, of course. all nights playing trivia weren’t for nothing. “since when are you a flamingo expert?” nikki teased you, lightly shoving your shoulder. you let out a little chuckle and opened your mouth to reply when ian interrupted you. “yeah, y/n, you are such a nerd.” it wasn’t in the same teasing tone as nikki had said, and you didn’t really know if he had meant it in a joking manner or not, but you were once again interrupted, only this time by nikki. “don’t be an ass, ian. we got a point, and every point we get is closer to the victory beer,” she snorted back, not playing around with you, like usual. she always got to tease you endlessly but when someone tried to do it back, with a tone she didn’t like, she retaliated. “well then y/n, get me that beer faster,” he answered, raising his third pint for the night that was almost empty. ian’s eyes weren’t pointed at you though. they pointed to the girl right beside you, the girl who had just defended you. he always had that habit of annoying you when you got close to nikki but he had a glint in his eyes, like he knew something he shouldn’t. it made a chill run down your spine but it was calmed when nikki patted you on the shoulder and gave you a sweet smile. although it seemed like nikki didn't approve of that comment either, she had decided to play nice. her smile has always been one of your greatest weaknesses. she could say basically anything, but at long as she smiled at you like that, it didn’t matter.

you caught bear watching her smile towards you, seemingly jealous, but you didn’t really mind that. he could be jealous all he wants but you’re still her number one. she had said it herself one night.

you and nikki were talking over facetime, discussing everything from life to death and everything in between. “what do you mean ‘you’re lacking love to inspire you to write your book’? have you seen the way bear looks at you? the man is fully encaptivated by you, like he wants you forever and ever,” you teased her, after she had complained about having trouble with inspiration. it was a calculated move by you, that you had carefully laid out. you knew bear liked her, maybe a little over ‘like’ but that’s another discussion, and you wanted to know her thoughts of it. as you had started falling for her a little bit, you wanted to locate your competition. “no. ew. don’t say that. he’s like a brother and nothing else.” her face scrunched in disgust at the idea of her and bear being lovers. “oh, like hansel and gretel, but grown up and become incestuous?” you continued pulling her leg with a big smile plastered on your face. only what she didn’t know was that your smile wasn’t just accompanied by the teasing, but also from your pleasure of her not seemingly having any other potential love interests. “ew, you’re psycho. stop it,” she called out, putting on a disgusting look, but you could still see the small smirk on her lips.

that was why you could confidently rule him out of the equation. yeah, sure, there were other signs too. like how she touched you more than him and leaned more into you when talking, but that was nothing compared to the confirmation.

as the trivia questions kept rolling in and the night moved on, you started to feel something nudging your ankle. you didn’t have to be a genius to figure out what it was as when your eyes met nikki’s from beside you, a secret smirk struck her lips. she was trying to play footsies, that cheeky girl. your cheeks blossomed a little, but whose cheeks wouldn't when such a beautiful girl was trying to play footsies with you? of course, you reciprocated it, a little hesitantly with the fear of being caught, but still reciprocated. her closeness had always made your heart flutter and then, when doing such an act in public, you couldn’t help to hear your own heartbeat rise more than usual.

nikki had always had her way of being secretly flirty when you were out in public. it was like she adored you and wanted to shower you with affection all the time, but since your mutual agreement, she only did it secretly. for example, when the group were discussing the answer to a question, nikki leaned in, close enough for you to feel her breath hitting your ear. “you look really good tonight,” she whispered, not sultry, but rather in a tender way, like she had thought about it all night and wanted to let you know. if your cheeks had blossomed when she had started playing footsies, which she was still doing by the way, your cheeks transformed into a tomato red shade.

when nikki leaned back a little, you made eye contact. if you weren’t in such a public environment, you would beg her to kiss you. you were completely encaptivated by her. her smile, her eyes, her warmth oozing from her. maybe you should just let her kiss you and let that be your come out story… but of course, the moment had to be ruined by sarah, who seemed oblivious, despite the bluntness of both of your actions. “well, do you know the answer? is jupiter or saturn the biggest planet?” it seemed like the moment had only been interpreted as you discussing the answer. both you and nikki cleared your throats, it seemed like she, just like you, had forgotten everything around you except the other, and answered at the same time, “jupiter.”

the trivia night ended shortly after and therefore the group were planning on going to the next bar, and then a next and a next probably, but you weren’t interested in going. sure, it would be fun to spend more time with the group, but you were tired. it had been an exhausting day already and you actually wanted to be sober enough to drive yourself home. you all stood up from the table in agreement to leave this bar, at least, but you still had to tell the others that you weren’t planning on following them elsewhere. when you had stood up and prepared to push your stool in, nikki beat you to it. she always had that way to act like a gentleman towards you. if others could read nikki as well as you could, it would be obvious that it was in a romantic manner and not just like a joke between friends. she beamed up at you after pushing it in, and you jokingly made a little bow. “why, thank you, my lady.” a little blush rose on her cheeks but she reciprocated the joking manner, “nothing short of the best for my woman.”

when you all had reached the parking lot, ian wrapped his arms around nikki and sarah, who seemed confused by his sudden action. “i take sarah and nikki and you take bear,” he ordered you, like you didn’t have a say in it. it was weird that he was trying to decide this then. you and nikki had come together and ian had driven both sarah and bear but all the sudden, that wasn’t in play anymore. no one seemed happy by that request, at least by their facial expressions. of course, you and nikki would complain about not going with each other. bear clearly wanted to go with nikki so he could probably try to smooch her in a car and sarah wanted to go with bear, because of her blatant crush on him. if bear opened his eyes and realised nikki wasn’t interested, there would be a girl happily waiting for him, but that was another discussion.

you muttered to ian, his usual asshole behaviour didn’t exactly put a smile on your face. “actually, i was planning on going home. i’m tired.” it made bear let out a little relieved sigh, which you were probably the only one to notice. if you didn’t go, his chances of being with nikki were higher, but his dreams didn’t come true. “if y/n is not going, i’m not either,” nikki exclaimed, pushing away ian’s arm and moving to your side. a little smirk tugged at your lips. you had always liked when it didn’t go ian’s way after he had planned something without including others’ thoughts.

“why, nikki? so you can fuck y/n in her car?”

bear and sarah gasped and they looked shocked. their eyes turned to you and nikki and widened with disbelief, like they hadn’t seen that coming, but seemed like they were putting the puzzle pieces together. like the truth was always in front of their noses, like it had been, and they had finally figured it out. the smirk that had been on your face faded as quickly as it appeared on ian’s face. a fury bloomed all over your body, but it also had an edge of panic. you hadn’t wanted the others to know about you and nikki. not because you were ashamed of her, not in any way, but you were a little ashamed of yourself. since you had grown up in a not so welcoming environment and were taught that people like you should hide, you really had wanted to do this at your own pace, and now that was seemingly ruined.

“shut the fuck up, ian! you don’t get to come here and tell us anything you don’t know anything about.” nikki’s voice drew you out of your trance. it seemed like nikki hadn't told him which led you to the conclusion that he had figured it out on his own. he had noticed your lingering touches and your body language. you felt your hands start to shake and your eyes start to water, but you couldn’t act weak now, then everything would be even worse.

“come on, y/n. let’s go,” she continued, final in her tone. you both got to your car, leaving the others behind. you didn’t know what to do. what were you supposed to do? your biggest secret was out, much to your dismay. it had been your story to tell but it was stolen from you. nikki put her hand on your shoulder and said softly, “let me drive.” as much as you wanted to brush it off, act like this didn’t hurt you, you handed her the keys. you were in no condition to drive anyways. nikki moved to open the door for you and you sat down, brain far too filled with your thoughts that you barely noticed her doing it. what would happen now? would the group split because of this? you didn’t really care much for bear, since you just never had been so close, but you actually liked sarah. she was a sweet and funny friend you’d had for ages. would your friendship evaporate because of this? a part of you knew that she wouldn’t judge you for anything but what if she took ian’s side because of her undying crush on bear? you noticed that you had zoned out when you woke up from your trance by nikki sitting down in the driver’s seat and driving out from the parking lot. you could see ian, bear and sarah on your way by. sarah seemed to be yelling at ian, pointing her finger into his chest. it was nice knowing you at least got one friend backing you up, but bear just stood frozen. like he couldn’t comprehend that nikki had someone else.

“i’m so sorry,” you heard nikki say from beside you as she put her hand on your thigh, not realising until then that it had been shaking, and gently stroked it with her thumb. her warmth gave you the comfort you desperately needed at that moment. “i… i wanted to tell them myself. at my own pace,” you whispered out, looking at her hand on your thigh. her hand squeezed your thigh a little as she focused on the road. “i know, baby. it’s okay. it will be fine,” she tried to comfort you, and then continued, sounding more annoyed. “ian’s a dick. we’ll stop hanging out with him.” you almost let out a broken sniffle and said “okay.” a silence sat in the car with you as nikki continued to drive. “you can come home with me if you’d like. i don’t want you to be alone now.” you grabbed her hand on your thigh and intertwined your fingers with hers. she knew you so well. you didn’t want to be alone tonight, not after that. “please,” you whispered out, sounding too vulnerable for your liking. the silence fell once again, this time not as cold but it still tugged at your heart. you wished the night had gone differently. that ian wouldn’t be that much of a dick for no reason. that you hadn’t gone out at all.

you reached nikki’s house after a while, and she parked in her driveway. when she had pulled the parking brake and killed the engine, a sigh left her lips. an exhausted, worried and regretful sigh. her head turned to you and her hand that had been on the steering wheel reached up to your cheek, softly stroking your cheekbone. “i’m so sorry, baby. if i knew that ian would do something like that, i wouldn’t have been so obvious at the bar earlier.” “it’s not your fault, nikki. you couldn’t have known,” you answered, trying to avoid eye contact. nikki frowned slightly at that and pulled herself up from her seat to give you a sweet kiss on your forehead. it was the first kiss between you that had actually meant something. sure, you had kissed each other’s cheeks at parties for fun but it had never had a deeper meaning, not in that way. her lips lingered, soft and warm, and you threw your arms around her like you couldn’t bear there being a distance between you. her arms came around you and almost pulled you over the centre console of the car. her hand stroked strands of your hair and you buried your face in her neck, filling your nose with her familiar scent.

you sat like that for a while, having nothing to say, just soaking up each other’s closeness. it felt good to have someone know you so well. after what felt like an hour, but was probably five minutes, she whispered, “come on, baby, let’s go in.” you reluctantly let her go so both of you could move. as you opened the car door, you felt the cold air hit your face. it gave you a sense of freedom but also a reminder of reality, of what had happened just twenty minutes ago.

nikki came over to your side of the car, put an arm around your waist and led you in. her house felt as familiar as usual. you had spent endless evenings there, with just her, doing whatever you felt like. you had cuddled on the couch, crawling into her during horror movies as she laughed at you. cooking, and burning, countless dishes in the kitchen while dancing to the music from her phone. for fuck’s sake, you had your own stash of clothes in her bedroom drawer, which you barely wore, because she always insisted on you wearing her clothes instead. “do you need anything? water? food?” nikki asked, like always, making sure you were taken care of. “no. i just want to go to bed,” you mumbled back, wanting just to close your eyes and forget everything. nikki smiled at you and tugged you towards her bedroom, “then we’ll do exactly that.”

once in the bedroom, nikki handed you a pair of her shorts and shirt for you to wear, which you gladly did. wearing her clothes felt like a protective layer from the outside world, like you were secure from any harm just by some fabric sewn together. after changing, you looked at nikki, who’d also changed to pyjamas, her lips tugged up just a little, in that smile she seemed to only keep for you. “you look really cute in that,” she said softly, with a hint of pride in her voice. you blushed a little before retorting teasingly, “you are such a flirt.” “only for you,” she smirked and kissed your cheek before laying down on the bed. her bold action made you blush even further but you lay down next to her. she quickly put one arm under your head as a pillow and the other around your waist, spooning you from behind. maybe it would be okay to be out as queer if you got to have nikki with you all the foreseeable nights ahead. if you got to come home to her and live a domestic life, just like you always dreamt of.

you stayed like that for quite a while, the only noises being both of you breathing and the occasional sound of the sheets moving. you stroked her arm that was around your waist while her hand snaked under the hem of your shirt, softly laying on your bare stomach. it was the peace, the familiarity you craved after such a night. but your thoughts were interrupted by a buzz from the nightstand, your phone. a fear tugged down your spine as you were reminded of everything that had happened before. you considered ignoring it, but you knew you wouldn’t be able to relax again until you knew what it was. was it sarah or bear? did they text you that whatever you and nikki had was disgusting and didn’t want to be a part of it? you pulled up your phone, the background being you and nikki from a year ago, drunk out of your minds, smiling widely at the camera while having your arms around each other. once you unlocked your phone, you could read the text you had received.

sarah

“i’m sorry for tonight. ian is an asshole. even bear agrees. we took a taxi to bear’s and left ian to himself. i hope we can still be friends after this <3”

her text warmed your heart in so many ways. maybe you wouldn’t be all alone once people knew about you. maybe your dad had been wrong. maybe you weren’t a ‘disgusting sinner’ for liking girls, loving girls, loving a girl. you were still not out of the woods about those thoughts and you knew that yourself. all of the condescending thoughts you had about yourself would live with you for the rest of your life, but maybe they would fade over time. if sarah and bear, who seemingly didn’t agree with ian’s outburst, maybe they could accept you, just like you were.

nikki smiled at you, with a smile you’d never seen on her. she seemed so happy for you, so proud, like she felt everything with you. “see, baby. i said it would be fine,” she whispered as she stroked your stomach under your shirt. “i thought… i thought that…” your eyes started to water as a feeling of being overwhelmed settled in your body. you couldn’t have imagined a better outcome from such an experience. “shhh, it’s okay. nothing bad will happen. they still appreciate you as a friend.” a sniffle left your nostrils as you turned around to face nikki. seeing her smile from the front made you smile back at her. “you were right,” you mumbled at her while looking into her warm eyes. “i usually am,” she teased you back and kissed your forehead again. it made you feel a little giddy and you hid your face in the crook of her neck. her hand that had been stroking your stomach had moved to your back. you could feel her warm fingertips stroking it slowly but surely as she pulled you closer.

“you know how i used to complain about not feeling enough love to inspire my writing?” she asked, breaking the silence with a low tone. her body still felt warm around you, with her legs tangled with yours. “yeah?” you replied. “i lied. i’ve felt it for so long,” she continued, her breath hitting your ear. “so, am i your muse then?” you asked her teasingly. “always been, baby.”

#nikki freeman #nikki freeman fanfic #nikki freeman x reader #obsession

i want you but the mirror won't let me

content: hurt/comfort!!! fem!reader struggling with anxiety and body dysmorphia 4.8k words.

summary: being at ian's fourth of july party brings out your worse sides and the truth you been hiding forever.

notes: this is heavly inspired by sombrs' song "my body isn't ready", if you can't tell. and also this is my first time writing on my own, scary. this fic is mostly oc!nikki. she deserved so much better.

you didn’t necessarily want to be there. as usual, ian threw an excessive fourth of july party with all his friends, their friends’ friends and so on. the living room, covered in red, blue and white decors, was filled with loud noises from drunken and high people, all tables full of half empty glasses and sticky surfaces. it wasn’t that the party was bad per se, you just hadn’t been in the mood. not that day, and not in quite some time. this party seemed like what you would imagine a college party would’ve felt. you didn’t go to college, you got stuck here in l.a with the same friend group from middle school as your coworkers. a friend group that didn’t really heightened your mood.

already mentioned, ian, the casual fuck boy, not usually caring much about others. sarah, a quite nice artsy girl, trying to get into college at twenty-four. bear, a complete weirdo, whom you didn’t like but you’ve been friends for so long and he was in your friend group so what can you do? and then lastly, nikki… nikki. how could you begin to explain nikki?

you had known her way longer than the others. when you were about five years old, you had biked on your new bike, without those awful training wheels, up and down your street but ultimately fell, just like your usual clumsy self, and a girl your age approached you as you sat on the pavement, clutching your scraped knees with tear filled eyes. “i saw you fall, are you okay?” the girl crouched down beside you and when she got close, you recognized her, she lived further up the street. her kind eyes, that little freckle under her left eye, made your breath hitch before you blinked and came back to your senses, making a tear fall down your chubby cheek. “no, i scraped my knees. it hurts” you cried out, the feeling was terrible for your, little too sensitive, five year old soul. “oh no, don’t cry.” her little hand reached out to wipe off your tears and then leaned down to kiss your scrapes. “my mama always does that when i’m hurt. i hope it made it a little better.” you blushed a little, not that you would ever admit that, as she helped you stand up. “thank you” you sniffled. you were old enough to realise that kisses on physical wounds didn’t really make it better but it soothed the psychological wounds. “you can come to mine. my mama can help you” the girl, whose name was still unknown, helped you up and supported you to her house. her mom was on their patio, knitting something, when you came. “oh nikki, who is your new friend?” she asked, not really noticing your injuries. nikki. that was her name. “mama, she’s hurt. can you help?” little nikki asked her mom and when her mom noticed your scrapes, she helped you clean and bandage them, then treated you and nikki for one glass each of lemonade. it felt better then, both physically and mentally. it was quite peaceful with nikki and her mom on the patio, enjoying the fresh drink after such emotional turmoil. “what’s your name?” nikki asked, leaning her whole body towards you on the bench. “y/n” you mumbled, a little shyly. “y/n. i like your name. can we be best friends forever?”

and that you were. from that moment that you scraped your knees, through the awkward preteen phase, during high school when you met the others, after graduation, you stayed best friends. you and nikki were just like two peas in a pod, always by each other's side. you couldn’t tell when you fell in love with her. it wasn't like you just woke up one day and decided to fall in love with her. you actually didn’t want to love her in the way you did. you didn’t think, already as a teen nor then, that she could ever love you back in the way you did. sure, the line between best friends and lovers, sometimes blurred. like when you borrowed her clothes a little too much, when your hugs lingered a little too long and when someone flirted with one of you the other gave a death glare. but that wasn’t anything. friends borrow each other's clothes. friends can have long hugs. friends deathglare someone trying to flirt with their friends to see if the charmer reached the right standards.

earlier that day, when ian sent a reminder of his party in the group chat and you replied that you weren’t sure if you could go, nikki had hastily called you. “please y/n. can you please come tonight? it will be fun. you need to get out of the house more. i’ll be there with you the entire time” she promised you over the phone. you could hear the worry in her voice and the way she said it, that she had noticed your recent change. usually, she would’ve been harder on you, more forcefully made you go, but her perceptive self saw right through you. it wasn’t that something really had happened to cause your sudden change in behaviour. during those last few weeks, you had started noticing more flaws in your appearance. you had always been a little insecure, yeah, but not like this. you felt like your skin started to sit weird on your body, your nose had grown bigger and your hair was thinning out. the new flaws that you’ve noticed probably weren't even real but it had made you uncomfortable in your own skin. you didn’t want people to see you, and that was why you’d tried to decline the party but of course nikki had convinced you otherwise. even if you usually told nikki everything, you didn’t want to worry her. she had a habit of worrying about you and you didn’t want that. “okay, nikki” you had sighed back to the other line.

so you came to the party, just as you told nikki, but as you expected, you felt uncomfortable. before the party, you had changed your outfit a million times, feeling like nothing sat right, until you found a red dress that matched the theme close enough and looked good enough. nikki had complimented your dress when she picked you up, which made your heart flutter a little, but when you showed up to the party, watching others look flawless in their attire, the feeling came back. you had asked to borrow nikki’s jacket to cover up. her nose scrunched a little at that, confusion mixed with worry, but she had lent it to you. you covered up yourself as you sat down on ian’s couch, next to nikki.

at first, it had been fun catching up with your friends, but you felt so out of place. you drank two glasses of pina colada, but like when you usually drink in a bad mood, it just made it worse. you curled up, tugging your legs under your chin. nikki, who still hadn’t said anything, knew your mood. it was quite easy to tell by the way she had tugged you closer to her and laid your head on her shoulder. each time nikki was near it felt so much better but it tugged on another part of your sensitive heart. even if she was your safe space, you didn’t want her to see you when you didn’t want to see yourself. you wanted to be pretty for her, just as anyone would want to be in front of their crush, but you didn’t feel pretty. your thoughts had been interrupted by a man, whom you barely recognized, possibly ian’s distant cousin. it didn’t matter who it was, but he had asked nikki to talk to him outside on the patio and she had reluctantly pulled herself from you and went with him, offering you a comforting smile as she left.

you tried really hard to ignore the faint feeling of jealousy spreading across your body. even if the man had made nikki stop looking at you, not making her able to see the flaws you’ve recently had seen in your own appearance, you longed for her company. you loved her and wanted her close, wanted her to choose you, but she didn’t. you didn’t even know if she liked girls.

after twenty minutes, she still hadn’t come back. you had already been in a bad mood before arriving here and now that you’d gotten a little tipsy, it brought a bad buzz, one that made you even sadder, rather than the familiar bubbly buzz you used to get. you only wanted to go home, and you should probably tell nikki that since you came together but that was the last thing you wanted. if she knew how you felt, that you just wanted to go home, you knew she’d probably ditch the party with you. you wanted her to have fun as she had looked forward to this for the last week, bringing it up every time you spoke. her heart was just so compassionate, and it would break you if she gave up this just because you weren’t having a good time. you sat up from the couch, silently moving through the crowds of people, reaching ian’s front door, opting for an irish goodbye, most likely texting nikki later that night that you were just tired and wanted to rest…

you suddenly bumped into someone, bear. “leaving so soon?” he asked, more of politeness and not real friendship. you know how you didn’t like bear? yeah, this was one of the reasons why. it had never felt genuine to talk to bear, like he had never really liked you. he always clung to nikki when the friend group hung out, and since you and nikki were so close, you were always there, but sometimes he just acted like you weren’t. nikki always denied that he did that. she saw him as a brother and he just couldn’t seem to get that hint. you saw the way bear looked at her. but you wouldn’t necessarily call the look in his eyes as love, but rather a possessive look, like he owned her. once ian had told you, after his third joint, that the reason why bear didn’t like you was because nikki was in love with you, and that just seemed absurd. you should always take what ian said with a grain of salt, but that was just too unlikely, nikki was definitely not in love with you, so you just interpreted it to mean that bear didn’t like you because you took nikki’s time and attention from him.

“yeah, bear, just tired. don’t tell anyone” you muttered back, not enjoying this chat at all and just wanting to head home. “have a nice evening” you continued, and walked out the front door. the nice breezy air hitting your face, leaving the nasty smell of alcohol, smoke and probably vomit from inside as you started to walk. walking to your house would probably take you twenty-five minutes but you didn’t mind. it wouldn’t hurt to sober up from this bad buzz. you felt like you were in a sad movie as you walked, kicking the rocks on the pavement while staring at the ground. it was a clique really. you were sad, and a bit jealous and now you had just left without saying good-bye.

you thought about nikki the whole way home. what did that man even want her that took so long? did they start flirting? is that why she hadn’t returned? you didn’t want to think of that, or be so possessive about it. you didn’t have a claim on her. she was her own and you were just her best friend. you had known for years that you should prepare for nikki to get into a relationship, and as much as that would hurt, you’d be happy for her. you just wanted her to be happy. interrupting your thoughts, a ding from the side pocket of your, nikki’s, jacket pocket, that you had stolen.

nikki <3

“where are you?”

she would most likely be upset that you had left without telling her, but you didn’t know what to reply. what were you supposed to say? “oh sorry, i just hated the way i looked and felt jealous you went out with some guy” no, you wouldn’t tell her that, so you just put your phone back down in the pocket, leaving her on ’delivered’. “you were almost home anyways. you could reply then” you tried to justify yourself. you knew she wouldn’t accept that, but you had to figure out what to tell her and how to word it so you just kept walking.

soon enough, you arrived home, unlocking your door and entering your dark house. you tugged off your shoes and changed out of your current, uncomfortable, party outfit, into your pajamas, one of nikki’s old t-shirts and a pair of shorts, and tugged yourself into bed. in your lightly drunken self, you actually forgot to text nikki back and opted for mind-less scrolling instead until you got another notification, and another and another.

nikki <3

“why aren’t you answering?” “y/n, this is not funny” “i’m worried about you”

“fuck” you sighed to yourself. why did you have to forget? now she probably would be even more upset that you left. you felt the guilt spread all over your body as you sat up, starting to type back. you had never meant to upset her this much. yeah, you had expected her to be annoyed, but not like this. the last message wasn’t from annoyance. nikki was hard to read but by being her best friend for almost twenty years, you could tell she wasn’t just pissed.

you

“i’m sorry, i left. i was tired and wanted to rest.” “i’m really sorry for worrying you <3”

you let out another sigh, hoping to blow it over quickly.

nikki <3

“you left???” “i’ve been searching for you everywhere” “what the fuck y/n” “i’m coming over”

this was exactly what you didn’t want to happen. you just wished she could’ve had a fun night without having to worry about you and your stupid insecurities.

you

“no nikki, enjoy yourself” “i’m just tired and it shouldn’t ruin your night”

nikki <3

“i know you” “you aren’t just tired” “come on baby. just let me come over”

fuck, why did she have to call you baby now? she usually called others babe in a joking manner, like even the bartender at trivia night was her ‘babe’, but she kept ‘baby’ only for you and that was your greatest weakness. you always caved when she called you baby, and she knew that, that cheeky bastard.

you

“the door is unlocked”

you texted back, like said before. you caved when she called you baby and when nikki had made up her mind, nothing would stop her. it wouldn’t help to tell her otherwise now. you had lost, like most times.

when you laid back down again, you tugged the blanket tighter around you and just waited. what would happen when she showed up? you could tell by her choice of words that she wasn’t mad but rather worried but what if that changed for the period it would take her to leave the party and show up?

soon enough you heard the door opening and closing then footsteps from the hallway. “baby?” nikki called out, her voice… sounding so hurt. it broke your soul, really. you had never meant to hurt her. her voice in that fragile state had always been one of the worst noises you could imagine. “in here!” you called out, it wasn’t really your strongest voice either. you felt embarrassed and stupid and like a bad friend and…

nikki appeared in the doorway to your dark room, as the only light was the street lights outside and your phone, which was forgotten as soon as you heard her voice. the dim light made you only see the outlines of her face, and it didn’t have the shape of the smile you’d fallen in love with. there was a small pout. “why did you leave, y/n? i was so worried.” she said, sounding less fragile when she could actually see you but it was still holding that hurt tone.

you felt speechless. why did your own insecurities ruin everything? if you’d just been normal, this wouldn’t have happened. “nikki…” you stutter out before your voice breaks and a tear falls down your cheek. after a breath, you cried out “i’m so sorry”. how pathetic could you be? you had hurt her feelings by just leaving and now you were the one crying. ‘she should’ve just left, found a better best friend, not an ugly pathetic one’ you thought for yourself, but that was clearly not a mutual thought as nikki practically flew to your side. she sat beside you, pulling you into her arms as one of her hands strokes your hair. “sssh baby, it’s okay” soothingly, she hummed back to you. only she could give you comfort in this way. in the way she did back when you fell off your bike at five, when a stupid boy broke your heart in high school, when your anxiety became too much. she rocked you softly back and forth as you broke apart on her shoulder, the excessive amount of make-up you’d put on earlier probably ruined her shirt but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. you’d buy her millions of this exact shirt if she just held you like that a little longer.

when your tears started to still and your cries turned into sniffles, she pulled apart a little, just so she could see your face. “what’s wrong, y/n?” she asked, reaching up to wipe some off your mascara from your tear streaked cheeks. “i just feel so ugly, nikki. my body looks weird. my boobs are too small. my face looks out of proportions. my nose is too big.” your thoughts puked out and as those words left your lips, you wanted to start wailing again. how could she always bring you to tell the truth when you didn’t want to? when you only wanted to hide from the world? but you knew you could never hide from nikki. you can’t hide from her like you hide from yourself.

her face constorted into a confused but so saddened look, like she couldn’t ever understand how you could see yourself in that way. “no, baby, listen to me. you are the most beautiful girl i’ve ever seen. you are so beautiful, so, so beautiful.” she almost whispered, holding your cheek a little tighter as if she was trying to convey her words via touch.

oh, how you wished you could’ve believed her. that her words were the truth. another sniffle came from you and you mumbled “i wish i was. i wish i was pretty enough.”

“pretty enough for you” you didn’t plan on saying that either, and frankly, you didn’t even realise what you said either. the only thing you actually consciously did was digging your face into the crook of her neck. a familiar fragrance filled your nose. that sweet vanilla perfume that she had worn forever and the unique scent from herself. you desperately searched for the familiarity. the warmth of her hands, the sound of her breathing and heartbeat from her pulsepoint.

“i love you, nikki. i want you but the mirror won’t let me.”

you only cry further, pouring out your heart in a way neither of you probably expected. it wasn’t until nikki froze and her breath hitched, becoming almost completely stale, you realized what you had said and pulled away. “i’m so sorry. i didn’t mean that.” all you could try was to backtrack what you had said. she didn’t feel the same. she couldn’t feel the same for you. and now that you’d stupidly said what’s been on your heart for so long, you risked losing her. what if she didn’t even want to be your friend after you admitted your feelings? what if she was too weirded out by you and wouldn’t talk to you ever again? you may have loved her, but she was your best friend first. your rock. your lighthouse in the middle of a dark sea you’d been sailing for too long. your… everything.

she looked at you with a look you didn’t recognize. it wasn’t her small little smile when she was flustered. not her smirk when she teased you. not her annoyed expression when you had ragebaited her on purpose. not her mad look when you lost at trivia night. nothing. her expression portrayed nothing. you always thought you could read nikki in every situation, but clearly not this one. you couldn’t figure out what she was thinking for the life of you and that was clearly a bad sign. you had never seen nikki act with you in any other way than when you were best friends, and then, when that could’ve been ruined forever, just by your own stupid insecurity, maybe you had to face reading her as something else. just as a friend, or something way worse, an ex-friend.

you knew that she liked boys, just by the way that she had gone out with ian’s cousin, or not clearly declining bear’s advances towards her. so why would she ever consider you as someone in a romantic setting? you were a woman for fuck’s sake, and she’d never shown any signs of being interested in women, so why would she now?

her face still carried no expression, until it did. she reached out with both of her hands towards your cheeks. nervously, you pulled back, but she didn’t stop, just reached longer. her thumbs stroke your cheekbones simultaneously. it carried a gentleness that you, even from her, the one always the most gentle with you, wasn’t used to. she stared at your lips for a few seconds, and you couldn’t resist doing the same until she looked up, looking you in your eyes. “tell me you meant it, baby. tell me you love me again.” she whispered, with a tenderness just as soft as her gentle grab on your cheeks.

“wha…? are you sure?” you mumbled back, embarrassed, shocked by her reaction. what was she doing? was she pulling your leg? no, nikki would never be that mean, and you knew that tenderness was maybe the most vulnerable you’d ever heard her.

“y/n, say it again. please”

“i.. i love you” you stuttered that time. you had always liked knowing the next place, knowing what would happen each and every second. maybe that’s why you pulled away when things got complicated. why you left the party, because you couldn’t face not knowing what happened out there on the patio.

she looked at you and you tried to pull away once again. this was it. now you had poured your pathetic heart out and the decision was completely up to her. it was her time to respond and you couldn’t change her answer, no matter what. she could’ve leaned into it, continuing this raw, heartfelt situation, or just completely ignored it, letting it pass her by. “don’t pull away from me” she said quietly, sounding hurt by the way you were acting. “stay here. with me”

the only thing you could muster was stop trying to physically pull away. you had already messed up so much in just one night, and hurting her even further wouldn’t help the chances of her still wanting to be your friend, despite everything. “i’m sorry” you whispered, not daring to look her in the eyes anymore. it felt like everything you did just messed things up even further.

“stop saying sorry, you idiot” she retorted quickly and as your breath hitched with hurt and confusion, her lips were on yours. all the time you had imagined kissing nikki, which was quite a lot, couldn’t have prepared you for this kiss. you had always imagined first kisses to be like fireworks, like everything felt exciting and fierce, but this kiss wasn’t like that. it wasn’t rushed nor desperate. it felt like it was the most natural thing both of you had ever done. it felt like coming home, finding a place to land in. you never had been two peas in a pod but rather like a flower, branching out into the sky, helping each other to grow together. a sense of peace filled your lungs as the air slowly but surely ran out.

as all the air actually ran out, you pulled apart. both your heavy breathings melted together by the still close distance between you, forehead against the other’s. a silence filled the room, and this time it wasn’t the one you had before. your insecure thoughts didn’t scream your ears out from the inside. they were silent for the first time in a long, long time.

nikki was the first to break the silence, to no surprise either. she’d always been the more talkative person between you. “you are beautiful enough, y/n. your worth isn’t based on what you see in the mirror. it’s based on what’s in your heart and i know your heart. i know your kindness. i know how you’ve always sat by my side, through the good and the bads. how you laugh at my bad jokes, just to make me happy. how you defended me in middle school when they called me ‘freaky nikki’. how you read my little drafts from my book, complimenting me endlessly, even when i think it’s shit” her voice, still with that tenderness, but also with a desperation to help you understand. understand what she saw in you, that part of you that you didn’t see as clear. and, yes, you knew what she was stating was true. you had always been by her side, just like she had been by yours, but it felt unreal that it mattered to her in the same way it did to you. “nikki…” you tried to start but your breath fell short. you didn’t know what to say or how to say it.

“even if you don’t believe that you are the most beautiful person in the world, i do. i see you in a way you don’t see yourself. just like you see me in a way i’ll never truly be able to comprehend.”

you sniffled once again, as your eyes threatened to tear up again by her sweet words. “you really mean that?” you asked, just to make yourself believe her, just a little more. you could tell, once again, that it wasn’t teasing, light hearted nikki speaking but a raw, emotional side of her taking over.

“i love you, baby. i don’t lie to the people i love and you know that.” you couldn’t argue with that. she’d always been quite honest during these twenty or so years you’d known her. she never hesitated to retort when she didn’t agree nor lied just to make anyone happy. she was always just herself, voicing it out in a way you never had the courage to.

her words always made an impact on you and now that you had let out your inner demons, you just wanted to be held. you wanted to soak up her warmth, her comfort and her sweet nothings, taking it selfishly for yourself.

“can you hold me?”

she chuckled a little, not in a condescending way, but in an endearing one. “all night if you’d let me” while talking she laid down in your bed, shamelessly crawling under the sheets and opening her arms to let you into her embrace. you smiled softly at her before curling up in her arms, facing her. her eyes looked into yours with the same softness she had always had, even back when you had fallen off your bike and cried. twenty years didn’t make a difference to her essence. of course, she had grown up. her eyes didn’t look as big as then, and her mole under her eye had grown a little darker but there was no question. she was still your nikki.

“you wear my shirt to bed, you weirdo?” she teased you all the sudden, finally making a comment about you wearing her shirt.

you chuckled lightheartedly, finally sounding like yourself again. “what? i like it. it’s comfy.”

“you were mine before we even kissed” a continuation of her teasing left her lips.

“i’m yours?”

“you’ve always been mine, baby”

“even when ian’s cousin and bear try to flirt with you?”

“they have never mattered in the same way you do”

#nikki freeman #nikki freeman fanfic #nikki freeman x reader #obsession

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