cherry tree

don't look at me, i'm indiscreet

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

Dae paused as she placed the items in the fridge, frowning to herself. “No. I have a roommate. I thought you knew that, though. You’ve been here before, right?” she asked. “Maybe that headache hit you harder than you thought.”

She began taking out a quart of cold brew and creamer, offering some to Ruth while she poured herself a glass of coffee. Not wanting there to be any more awkward silence than there already was, Dae asked, “Wait– I’m sorry. What were you doing in the parking lot? I’m sorry to pry.” She grinned sheepishly at him. “I’m just very confused. I can drive you to urgent care if anything’s happened.”

“I have,” Soleil said. He accepted the coffee, but only took one drink before setting it down with no intention to touch it again. “I wasn’t doing anything in particular. I was going to pick some stuff up but I didn’t have my wallet.”

He wondered, for a moment, if it could actually help him to pretend as if he was actually temporarily confused. He was, anyway, but not in the way Dae was thinking. “I mean, I don’t really know exactly how I forgot it or what I was going to buy,” he said, after a pause. “And I’d rather not go to urgent care. I just feel a little cloudy.” 

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

Dae sharply exhaled, her brow furrowed. What was up with him today? It seemed like everything she was saying was an offensive quip. She didn’t see how her asking him why he was alone in a parking lot with no car or no groceries was something to be defensive about. Not wanting to let the situation go, she said, “No. I just found it odd how you were there with nothing.” Then, not wanting to sound like somebody’s mom, she decided to let the topic go. 

She loosened her grip on the steering wheel and turned into the parking garage of her apartment building. As she carried the groceries into the elevator and made her way into her apartment, Ruth following her, silence filled the air. She got him a cup of water and then offered him some ibuprofen. Noting that it was awkward, she attempted to break the silence once more. “Do you have any other plans for today?”

Soleil found some relief in knowing that Dae lived in the same apartment that she usually lived in. There were changes, of course, but the location was the same. He peered around the apartment complex, looking for any hints as to what life looked like for her, or for himself. Most photos he saw were of her and Auguste-- he only spotted a couple of polaroid photos laying atop of a shelf in the living room, as if she had not found a satisfying place to store them. 

“No, nothing,” he said, following her into the kitchen. He poured out four tabs of ibuprofen for himself, swallowed them with water in quick succession, then stood by the kitchen counter while she unpacked the grocery bags. “I don’t know if this is a weird question, but do you live here by yourself?”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

“Auguste is fine,” she repeated. Her eyes were glued directly to the road ahead of them. She felt oddly stiff in Ruth’s presence, something she had never experienced before, and couldn’t help but feel like every breath she took, word she uttered, or even flickering of the eyes she commanded had to be calculated. Something was off in his presence– and not just physically, either. “Speaking of which,” she said, after a moment’s hesitation, “where is Kai? Why were you in the parking lot by yourself?”

"Glad to hear it,” Soleil said, then his brow twitched, and he turned to look at Dae. “I can go to the parking lot-- the grocery store by myself.” But it would have been nice to have Kai’s wallet. He leaned his head back against the passenger window. He had never before had such an awkward interaction with her. Evidently, the “rule” that every interaction from any life that he had with Dae had to be stiff and forced remained true for this world. He had no idea what it could mean that she knew him as Ruth, and that she, until now, seemed to have no reservations towards him.

At Dae’s question, Soleil narrowed his eyes to the car’s clock. It read 1:42 PM. What day was it? It felt weekend-ish. “I have no clue,” he admitted. He didn’t want to dig any further holes, and his head was starting to hurt again. It would be nice, he guessed, to have the reprieve he associated with Kai, but right then he only felt something off about it all. “Doing something dumb. What is it, Saturday? Or Friday? He could be anywhere.”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

“Alright,” Dae said, unquestioning. She didn’t want to make it out to seem as if she didn’t want him at her house, but at the same time, something was clearly wrong that she couldn’t exactly put her finger on. They were never too close to begin with, but she had seen him on several occasions, felt like she liked him, and would occasionally begin to wonder if it was possible that he wanted to be closer. But this– whatever this interaction was– just seemed odd. “I can drive you there. Let me just put these away in my car.”

They walked towards her car in the middle of the heat. Dae placed her bags in the trunk, wheeled the cart back to its station, and started the car. She smiled at Ruth as he sat down in the passenger seat beside her, trying to make conversation. “So, how’s your week been? How’s Kai?”

Soleil kept his own bags at the floor of the passenger seat. While Dae drove, he leaned his head against the window. He felt some relief knowing that Dae supposedly had not seen him all week until now, and at the confirmation that Kai also existed here the same way he usually did. But his uneasy feelings still persisted. “My week’s okay, and he’s okay,” he said. “Just the usual things. And you? You look like you’re doing well. I guess Auguste is fine, too?”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

“Yes,” Dae said, after a moment’s pause. In the second between his response and hers, she had scrutinized him to the best she could. Something looked off, but she couldn’t exactly be sure of what it was. “Are you alright? You’re looking a little sick. Do you want some oranges I have here?”

“Okay,” Soleil said. His hand flinched in hesitation before taking two out of her cart. He put them in one of his grocery bags and frowned. He couldn’t be sure if the bit of distance between them was because of how he was acting, or if he and Dae here were not very close, or both. He looked away from her then, to the side, like he was distracted with something else. “I don’t think you live far from here,” he said, wincing inwardly at himself. He assumed, if anything, he could chalk up his confusion to the heat. “Are you going home? Can I stop by there? Just for a water or something, before I go back to my place. Or I could eat these there.” He had nothing to cut them with at the motel.

[dae-lalonde]

It was a Thursday afternoon in the middle of July, and the heat appeared to be emanating from the surface of the Earth. Dae stepped out of the grocery store on Lincoln and Cheshire, lazily strolling a cart halfway across the parking lot to a tired, old Camry. As she walked across the parking lot, the first half of her body pushing the cart through sheer weight by itself, she spotted the back of someone’s head who had looked vaguely familiar.

Picking up speed, the friction between her cart and the ground buzzed with excitement. The person had continued walking in the same direction as she, never turning back nor stopping to pause. When she angled her head slightly off to the right, she realized she could have recognized that face anywhere. 

“Hi Ruth!” She walked up to him with her cart. 

[soleilruan]

There had always been a rhythmic element to Soleil’s interactions-slash-confrontations with Dae, or Daes. This had been established however many moons ago. While Soleil could not say that everything followed a script, there was at least an outline to go off of, like an internalized guide, and then at least one necessary factor or rule. His first meetings with Dae, for example, could occur at any time under any circumstance, but they always seemed to require a degree of discomfort, or even force. They most often met through other people, and further interactions relied upon Soleil to try as subtly as he could to force a friendship. If he relinquished this task, whatever Dae in whatever universe usually ended up taking the initiative, but her intentions for friendship were also for her own gain (though her goals were clearly very different from his own), and ended up feeling equally as forced as Soleil’s own attempts. And so their relationship seemed to be defined by a compulsory inevitability. 

But this specific universe, dubbed as “32″ by Soleil, had seemed to lack all sense of outlines or guides or rhythm. It had been a week or so now, and he spent most of the last few days stuck in a motel with symptoms of an illness he could not discern. He was experiencing dizzy spells, migraines, chronic nose bleeds, and vomiting-- all things he wasn’t unused to, but had never experienced all together over days at a time. On top of all that, there were no signs that he had a prior existence or relationship with anyone else from 32. There were exceptions, but in nearly every universe he ended up in, something or someone was there for him. It was as if his consciousness was switched with another Soleil’s, literally replacing whatever Soleil was there before, for that Soleil to go off god knows where, or perhaps disappear entirely. He could enter a universe and immediately take the place of that world’s Soleil, inheriting his apartment unit, job, possessions, and boyfriend. And it would not matter so much, because typically, things were not very different from his real life left long ago, but that was the problem. 

32 had nothing for him, and he didn’t feel any urgency for Dae. He had a rough entrance, then immediately shied away to a motel both because of sickness and the perpetual foreboding he felt since he came. It wasn’t until he finally left his room that he would start to grasp what was happening.

He’d been walking through the parking lot of a grocery store he’d been to many times in many lives, carrying a brown plastic bag in each hand. One was filled with juices and microwavable food, the other had medicine. He was feeling okay that day, the medicine was to prolong that and to prevent any further incidents. The heat that summer was harsh. The only clothes he had so far was the black sweater and jeans he was wearing, and he stared at the ground as he walked as if to shun the sun, but it only burned harder onto the back of his neck. Then, a familiar voice rang out, calling a familiar name, along with the rolling of a cart. He stopped and turned. It was Dae, open and smiling with an air of exuberance that could not be meant for him. 

There was also the issue of the name she called. The sound of it left knots in his stomach, and in the midst of a brief denial, he had to physically stop himself from turning to see if someone else was behind him. Just as quickly as he felt these things and registered them, he realized that for now, he had to respond how she expected him to.

“Dae,” he said, her name stretched a bit too long, and his tone accidentally questioning. “Hello,” --then out of shock, he couldn’t help it-- “were you in there that whole time?” he motioned uselessly to the grocery store building behind them. He had no sense of what else to do.

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

It was at that point that Dae finally felt herself sobering up, but she knew she wouldn’t have done the next part if she had tried to come to her senses. She grabbed the shot glass with her right hand and slapped it against the island table. Shatters of glass fell across the floor, yet most of them ricocheted back onto Dae’s body, cleanly falling off her skirt. 

Her hand was starting to bleed. She was clutching a triangular piece of glass, the biggest part of the remaining shot glass. It glistened in her hand, the lights bouncing off it. Suddenly, the music had stopped and all eyes were on her. Gigi slid off the island. Tears were beginning to form in her eyes.

Dae threw the remaining shard at the floor and held her bloody hand out towards Lea. The bitch was staring at her. Fucking stupid.

“Everyday,” she croaked. “That’s what I think about.” The blood was running down on her hands, onto her wrists, but what felt more painful were the hot tears that streamed down her cheeks. “Well, you know what? Fuck you.” 

She spat in her face and walked out the kitchen, with her fingernails pressed tightly against her palms. Kai was still sitting on the couch, eyes wide.

“Take me home.”

Kai had been waiting semi-patiently on the couch, about ten or fifteen minutes too long, for Dae to return with shots. Or anything at all. He just wasn’t expecting her to come back with a bleeding hand and red, glossy eyes.

“Sure,” he said. He wasn’t going to object or try to ask what was wrong. It was painfully clear that something happened, and that she had enough. Kai stood up from the couch and looked over past Dae. There were heads turned, looks of mainly confusion and shock staring at the back of her head. Some people seemed to be deliberately not looking at her. 

Dae followed behind him as they walked out. They both wordlessly entered his car. The ride to Dae’s house wasn’t so much as awkward as it was tense. Kai was undeniably curious as to what happened, what could have led to that, but in spite of himself he knew when to leave something alone. In any case, he didn’t feel that it was him who could provide the support Dae needed, so he stayed quiet. Rather, he wasn’t sure what he could even say to her.

The only bit of sound in the car came from the low volume of the radio, and the occasional sniffle from Dae. After a little while, he pulled up to her driveway and put his car in park.

“Alright,” he said. He glanced at Dae and offered her a small smile, feeling a little bit bad about how the night went for her. He wasn’t prepared to make sure that everything went well, nor was he planning to, but now that it was after the fact he started to feel a pang of guilt about it. Or maybe it was more like he pitied her.

Either way, it was an uncomfortable feeling, so naturally he had to resolve it.

"Actually,” Kai made sure to speak up again before Dae left. “Tomorrow afternoon I’m planning to do some shopping at the mall, I think. Want to come along maybe?”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

Her legs felt wobbly. She wanted to faint. “Why… I don’t know.” 

Lea poured another drink and gulped it down.

“There’s the remorse I’m looking for,” she said. “Wouldn’t it have been better if it were you instead of those poor twins?”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

“Kid killer?” Dae couldn’t believe her ears. She could feel everyone staring at them now.

“That’s what I said,” her hand was still on her glass on the island, her grip tightened around it. “How about this, since you’re in denial over your parents-- where’s the other kid?”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

“Do you really think I’m happy to be an orphan?” Dae barked back. On the inside, she wanted so desperately to tear up. When she looked around the kitchen, there were still a good majority of people engaged in their own conversation. Some were pretending not to realize what was going on, while others genuinely couldn’t hear. Gigi was still sitting at the island, taking a few sideway glances at the commotion, but never lifting a finger. 

“That is so sad of you that you can’t get more attention from someone who doesn’t even have a family anymore. If you’re jealous of me, I only wish I knew what your life was like.”

-

Lea bristled as her grin turned to a frown. “That’s very brave of you, to be so holier than thou,” she spat, slamming her glass back down onto the island. The noise the impact made caused a few bystanders to finally look over and stare. 

“You’re awful, trying to turn it all onto me,” her face was bright red. “Why on earth would I be jealous of an orphaned, parricidal kid killer? You have no right to be here. You’ve been disturbing the peace since you came back.”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

“What?”

At this point Dae was glad she was no longer holding the shot glass. Her stomach dropped. Her heart was racing, and her face burned. “Are you serious right now?”

The room was starting to shift, as if there were suddenly two dimensions of the room, and Dae wasn’t sure which one was which. 

Lea shrugged. “I can’t imagine why you’d feel comfortable enough coming to this neighborhood,” she said. “You don’t seem to be scarred. Going out to parties, basking in the attention of being the poor orphan girl. Don’t take it to heart. Like I said, it’s just harmless speculation. I mean, I know I’m not the only one thinking about it.”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

“If you really, really wonder, maybe you can just go look it up online or something. I have no idea who killed who.” Dae placed the shot glass on the island. It sat there, staring at her.

“No need to get so defensive,” Lea finally filled up her own glass herself and took a drink. “It’s just harmless speculation. I’m asking you. What’d your parents do to deserve that?”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

“What are you talking about?” She scowled. A lump was beginning to form in her throat.

Lea’s tight-lipped smile formed into a grin.

“You know,” she spoke matter-of-factly. “Suddenly you’re back, and a dead little girl’s been dug up. Yet no one knows what happened still. It’s just that I really, really wonder about the coincidences of this whole situation, you see?”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

Accommodate? Dae straightened out her back, trying not to make it seem as if she was hurt by that. The music in the living room suddenly became muffled. Her ears felt fuzzy, and she felt heavy on her feet, yet light in her body. Without thinking, she downed another shot, let the sour bitterness mumble across her tongue, and burped. 

“I’m very sorry if I didn’t take the time to learn your name or see who was around in my su-surroundings,” Dae slurred. She was at least tipsy, but she knew very well she would have said the same sober. “I’m very busy being accommodated. So you can shut the fuck up.”

-

“Um. You good?” Lea took a step back. She wasn’t... put off by Dae, exactly, but the burp after the few drinks she just had concerned Lea. She didn’t let up, though, and scoffed at her. 

“That’s a bit aggressive, don’t you think?” Lea raised a brow, as if she was genuinely concerned for her own safety. “I guess that attitude of yours helps to confirm a couple suspicions, though it is greatly concerning.”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

Gigi poured a slosh of vodka in Dae’s glass, not realizing what Lea said until two seconds after. Her eyes widened a bit, but then she put the vodka down and tried to ignore what was about to commence. Everyone within a one-meter radius could tell what was about to ensue, but no one seemed sober enough to care. The chatter continued, never dying off.

“Sorry, I don’t think I have remembered you,” Dae said, blinking her eyes at her. She didn’t know what was going on but she knew when someone was being rude. “That’s actually interesting, though. Where do you sit again?”

-

Lea blinked, clearly not expecting Dae to admit to that. Gigi made a point to not pour anything else into Lea’s glass, but she didn’t seem to notice. 

“I’m like, at the table to the right of yours, Gigi’s and... so on,” she waved her hand as if Dae had asked something incredulous. “It doesn’t matter. But I’d think you’d be a little bit more mindful about your surroundings when we’re all trying to accommodate you here. You know?”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

Dae nodded her head, mulling things over in her brain. Someone handed her a red solo cup and another person filled it up with grapefruit soju. It felt heavy in her hand, like a watch that weighed down her wrist. She and Kai took swigs out of their cups until Dae could feel her body glow slightly warm and her cup was no longer full. The yellow light in the room burned her eyes. The sound of chattering made her excited, yet anxious. 

Then she got up.

“I’m gonna get us some shots, okay?” Dae walked towards the kitchen, which was already filled with a throng of people surrounding the island. At the very center of the group was Gigi, who was now sitting atop the table like it was her throne. She screamed at the sight of Dae.

“OH MY GAWD!” Gigi ushered her towards the island, forced a shot glass in her hand, and clinked it together with her’s. “To Dae. To a new student– to the end of a fascinating week.” She emphasized fascinating as if it was the bane of their existence.

Then everyone clinked their glasses together and downed the vodka in one gulp. Dae felt her throat close up after all the alcohol entered her body, the strong, bitter aftertaste fiery in her mouth. “No chaser?”

“You don’t need one.”

“Right.”

Lea tucked a strand of her auburn hair behind her ear, pushing past Gigi, straight toward where Dae was standing. She set her now empty shot glass down on the island where Gigi refilled it, and took another drink before speaking. 

“I can’t believe the Dae’s actually here. And in this neighborhood too, where... well, you know. Cheers, though.” Lea’s lips were in a thin line, just barely upturned to show a half-hearted smile. She set her glass down again and leaned her side against the island with her arms crossed. “I’m Lea. We’re in chemistry together. It’s alright if you don’t remember seeing me, I’m sure you’re on low capacity right now, considering everything.”

[soleilruan]

dae-lalonde​:

Dae unknowingly cocked a brow at Kai, unsure of what to make with this information. Maybe the guy was just that sarcastic, but she at least thought he would have been more excitable at the thought of his boyfriend. The whole thing painted a weird picture in her head. There was Kai, who was nice but not too nice, and Soleil, who was… scary as shit?

“Well, if I did meet him, would it be so much as grace than intimidate?” Dae said, the words coming out of her without any thought. Her eyes widened at the fact that she said something so weirdly un-polite, but then again, knowing Kai, she wasn’t sure if he would take that too seriously. She ran a nervous hand through her hair and gestured towards the living room couch, which was now unoccupied. The band of boys previously sitting there were now doing Jell-O shots in the kitchen.

“To be honest, I’ve heard some things about him,” Dae explained. She and Kai were now sitting on the living room couch side-by-side one another. “I’ve heard that he found out you and I were friends, he’d be really mad.”

-

“Objectively, I guess Soleil’s intimidating. But I just mean that he’s an acquired taste.” Soleil wasn’t at all intimidating to him, in other words.

Kai leaned against the couch and sat with a leg crossed, his ankle on his knee. His lop-sided grin was still prominent on his face as he considered Dae’s words. The question as to how she was already aware of Soleil was answered, and it was kind of funny. Similar talk has happened before, though it wasn’t often at all, and Soleil was never especially perturbed by it. But Soleil in general was kind of a wild card, and Kai doubted he could completely and accurately predict his feelings towards Dae. His grin remained.

“Who knows?” Maybe that answer was a bit off-putting. Kai followed with a shrug, as if that would help anything. “Well, I don’t think you’d have to worry about it either way. It’s unlikely Soleil would go out of his way to confront you. Maybe.”