just gonna upload my ethan collins fanfic from ao3 to here… because why the fuck not?
“what is life, if not to end?”
Ethan Collins knew he was going to die, it was a fact he had carried for 30 years. That one day, the smiles, the tears, the laughter, would all melt away until it was irrelevant. The thought had never scared him. It had comforted him in dark times, that one day, it would all end.
When he was 9 years old, his parents had gone out for the night. Before they left, his mother had kissed his forehead while whispering “I love you” and “We’ll be back soon” as the door closed… and he never saw her again.
A police officer had shown up at his door late at night, when Ethan had wrapped himself up in blankets and slept on the couch.
He remembered the grim look on his face, as he said,
“[REDACTED] Collins and [REDACTED] Collins aren’t here anymore.” … the words were so foreign to him, Ethan repeated them in his head until it made sense, that death was a normality, that no matter how much he cried, their comforting gazes were forever gone, into oblivion.
His brother, Mason, and his wife had taken him in.
He had met his niece and nephew, Maddison and Micheal. He remembered how Micheal had reached out to him, and he had felt alive. That there was something out there for him, existence meant something.
Ethan had sat with them, when Maddison had said “Dada” for the first time, and how they had pretended she hadn’t said them until Mason walked through the door… the look on his face was priceless.
He had been with them, when Micheal said “Opital” instead of “Hospital”, before laughing about it for hours, until their lungs were tight and they couldn’t do anything but lay on the floor.
He had been with them when Maddison had cut her hair off by herself, Mason has yelled at them, but they didn’t care. Micheal and Ethan had spent all night trying to fix it up, they had fallen asleep on the couch the next morning…
But he hadn’t been with them when Mason had started drinking, Micheal had to hide who he really was so he didn’t have to leave, like Ethan had too. And maybe that was his worse mistake.
“Local boy, Micheal Collins, dead by suicide.”
Ethan had stared at his TV screen for a full ten minutes, trying to make sense of it, but he just… couldn’t.
He had seen all the signs, the light gone from his eyes, the laughter forced and half-hearted, but he hadn’t done anything about it.
And it that sense, it was his fault. Yet another death, reinstalling the knowledge that one day it would be him.
Micheal’s funeral was probably the worst day of his life, a girl who’s name he couldn’t even remember, had put her hand on his shoulder, and said,
“My condolences, Mr Collins. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
She had blonde hair, eyes unlike anything he had seen before… it was Micheal’s girlfriend. But looking at her had made him feel sick, that she was the one who truly believed Micheal loved her. And in a way, he felt bad. But at the same time, he just wanted to yell at her for not getting the hint. Though it wouldn’t bring Micheal back…
He had sat at Micheal’s gravestone for hours, telling him about his favourite memories, until his voice was raw from crying. It felt like exile, like he was being forced to be part with the only one who had understood him.
Death, all he knew was death.
Blood. So much blood. The eyes of his dead comrades.
He had lost his throat trying to save them, and he felt death come upon him. That the end was near. Yet he shed no tears for himself, only for those he had lost.
“Seventeen armed police officers… with your bare hands…” the words stumbling out his mouth before he could control them, “What the hell even are you, Dean?” he tried to keep his breaths under control, but what was the point? He was going to die.
“Your throat was ripped out while begging for mercy for their lives, why don’t you beg for yours?”
Dean’s voice was smooth as silk, it made him feel closer to death.
All Ethan could feel, was death. Iron in his mouth, venom in his voice, numbness in his limbs, the truth in his heart. It was all over.
“What does it matter? They all died, you won.” he didn’t look at him, his vision was hazy at the edges, he stared at more than a dozen dead officers, he didn’t even know their names, just that he had failed to save them, and that he was next. “I’m going to die here anyway.”
“There’s a reason you’re the only survivor tonight, Ethan.”
His heart stopped. The world stopped.
“What would I do if something happened to you?”
a soft voice, Christian’s. Though now, it felt like a long lost memory…
He was stuck, watching himself smile and laugh, being held by someone… someone…
More blood, much more. But it wasn’t of the innocent. No, it was the blood of someone who had lied to him, deceived him, made him believe he was loved.
Because everyone who had loved him had died.
Christian… he had killed him, in the only way that mattered, he had ripped his heart apart and yet… yet, he couldn’t bring himself to kill him.
He should send his body to his family, in pieces, so that they feel the pain he felt. But no. He couldn’t.
For once, in his godforsaken life, he had thought, truly thought, someone loved him, and that they wouldn’t die.
He stared at the man below him, his face bloodied and a smile on his face. Christian was fucking smiling.
“I hate you.” he spat, and walked away. Each step more gruelling than the last.
Because he was dead inside.
Ethan was working, though he was hardly focusing, exhaustion washing over him. The day had been long, and exhausting.
He closed put his papers to one side, and leaned his head on the desk, and closed his eyes.
“Just for a moment” he thought, but before he knew it, sleep overtook him, and he dreamed of that night… the night his world imploded.
“Ethan!” a familiar voice woke him up, he wiped his eyes, and stared up into the eyes of Aaron.
Though, instead of glistening in happiness, tears pricked the edges of them. He looked… scared.
Ethan stood up, and stares at him, and noticed Nina next to him.
“Aaron… is everything okay?”
He shook his head, and pulled out his gun.
Ethan blinked the sleep out of his eyes, “What is this?” he stumbled backwards and held his hands up.
Aaron took a deep breath, it seemed his composure was wavering.
“Please, Ethan! I’m begging you, tell me this is a misunderstanding!” his eyes were darting everywhere but Ethan… he never looked at him. It broke his heart.
“What…?” he asked, but Aaron still didn’t look at him, tears were welling in the corners of his eyes,
“Tell me you’re not defending Dean!”
Shit…. Christian… how could he get out of this situation?
He had that feeling again, the haziness in the corners of his eyes, like death was coming. But that couldn’t be right.
“I’m not defending Dean, Aaron.” he said quickly, shaking his head as he sid so, what could he say?!
If he had to take the fall for Christian to be okay… so be it.
He had hated Christian, he had loved him- he had practically died for him… it’ll be… alright.
Even when Neil shouted at him,
“I called you family, Ethan!”
he didn’t cry. He had nothing to cry for. There was nothing left out there for him.
He wasn’t sure whether he had realised this just then, or if he had always known this, deep down… like how he knew he’d die.
When the whole station glared at him, their gazes full of betrayal. He felt nothing. Even if someone had shot him hundreds of times, he wouldn’t have felt it. There was nothing to feel at all.
“I’ve come to kill you, Ethan.”
Alex was standing in his prison cell, wearing all black. The alarms were blaring around them, “a revolution”, he had been told.
His ears were ringing… it took him a few seconds to realise the situation, and he said something he didn’t believe.
“Alex, please, we can talk about this!”
Maybe it was because of the look of grief on his face, though Ethan doubted it was grief for him.
Then, Alex kneeled in front of him, and before Ethan knew what was happening, he couldn’t breathe.
His eyes widened, and he gripped Alex’s arms, as if trying to pull them off him, but he knew well that Alex was much stronger than him. It was strange, this choking feeling wasn’t exactly unfamiliar.
He had felt it when his parents died.
He had felt it at Micheal’s funeral.
He had felt it when he realised Christian was Dean.
He had felt it when he went to prison.
And he felt it then, as his vision became hazy, a sensation he was used to… he felt himself start to cry, as the world began to fade around him. The memories, good and bad, came back to him.
“Please! I don’t want to die!”
Ethan Collins knew he was going to die, it was a fact he had carried for 30 years… but, when faced with death, he found himself not wanting it anymore. He found himself wanting to live.
But he had wasted his life believing it was what he had deserved.
Because, what is life, if not destined to end?
Ethan Collins, Aged 30 years old.
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