ELIAS WANTS TO WIN TUMBLR SEXYMAN AND W. D. GASTER IS DIVORCED - PT.1
CW and Tags for this Chapter: Tumblr Sexyman Contest 2026, The Magnus Archives, Crack, Elias Bouchard, Elias Bouchard vs Jesus match, quite some TMA spoilers, mention of Cecil ļæ¼
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As Elias Bouchard strolled into the 2026 Tumblr Sexyman Contest Arena he was positive of gaining the title of āTumblr Sexymanā.
No doubt he had all the needed characteristics: he had a charming personality, a fitting body (crafted by the most experienced hands of the fandom) and an exquisite voice.
Not to mention all the QUOTES and his undeniable queerness.
He reckoned that if that one radio-eye-voice-guy from the US had been able to make it and take the title the previous year, he would face almost no opposition.
He could already taste his victory, he did not have to worry about the presence of his Archivist (who did fit into the āwet cat meow meowā archetype, but posed no threat to Elias' very sexy voice) and the Distortion (who he had no idea how it entered the competition in the first place).
Elias Bouchard looked at the public, grinning, waiting for his opponent.
At that exact moment a church choir erupted from the rows in the back.
āMust be one of thoseā¦ What was it? Hazbin Hotel beings,ā Jonah thought. āSurely an easy victory, considering the hatred held towards them.ā
From the sky two people slowly descended.
A Palestinian woman, with a halo adorning her head and a face one could only describe as ākindā, was leading a young man down some invisible stairs. Maybe he was her son? They did resemble each other quite a lot.
Both had the sweetest look in their eyes and the most comforting smile one could ever imagine.
The young man reached the ground and turned to the woman.
āThank you, mumā he said, waving as his mother ascended to the skies above (always accompanied by an angelic choir).
The public erupted in yells, squeals and discussions as the speakers turned on.
āGood Morning to all the Tumblr Community!ā
The announcer- Wait, Elias recognised that voiceā¦
IT WAS CECIL (from the hit podcast Welcome to Night Vale)
āHere we are at the 44th match of our First Round.ā The public screamed while some people tore their clothes from jubilation and other very strong positive emotions.
āWith todayās contestants it will surely be quite a difficult match!ā Exclaimed Cecil.
āOn our left we have Elias Bouchard! Main antagonist of The Magnus Archives, a horror podcast distributed by RustyQuill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Share Alike 4.0 International licence!ā He explained pointing the spotlight on Elias, who bathed in the shining light as he tried to show off his totally-not-practiced-10-times-in front-of-a-mirror smirk.
Many people from the public started yelling, one guy even brought out a big-ass poster with āELIAS CAN MAGNUS MY DIHā written on it, surrounded by many hearts. Really, how touching.
Bouchard could taste the easy-ass victory from a mile away.
āOn our left we have JESUS CHRIST FROM NAZARETH,ā announced Cecil, turning on a spotlight on Jesus. Eliasā heart stopped beating as he took a long, serious look at the other contestant, understanding, at last, that he was fucked (and not in the sexy and accepted by the fandom sense).
He was against JESUS of all people.
But, Elias realised as he took a breath to calm himself, that was not going to change anything.
If the public voted for Jesus that would probably count as blasphemy and they wouldnāt want that, would they? He had nothing to worry about, he was sexy and he was charming and that was all that it took to win.
He looked at the gigantic screen displaying the votes that had just popped into existence in the middle of the room.
āThis is such a lovely day, am I right?ā Asked Jesus, suddenly looking at Elias with a smile. āIt has been centuries since the last time I was able to come down here, I really missed it.ā āWithout a doubt,ā said Elias, still turned away from Christ.
āDo you know what these people are discussing?ā Jesus asked, his eyes beaming with happiness and that kind of childlike wonder that is so rare to see, āThey look so invested!ā
āThey are pondering on which one of us two is more, how to say, breedable?ā Jonah explained, though, looking at Jesusā confused - but in no way judging - expression, he could see that some more context was needed. āThese fine gentlemen, gentlewomen and gentlepeople are trying to establish which one of us they would rather have a hypothetical intercourse withā
āā¦Wha-ā started Jesus, but was interrupted by a loud buzz signaling the halt of the voting time.
Elias lifted his eyes to the screen and barely managed to suppress an annoyed grunt, as he tried to figure out what his next move would be. Jesus, ignoring the screen, looked at the beaming public and, seeing all those people genuinely happy, he smiled at them too, opening his arms.
