the male body will be next

things seem to be alive again. let's talk about it. There is a butterfly under my skin, so I scratch myself vigorously, collapsed at the bathroom floor, blood leaking out of my wounds as I try to trace her. I saw her the other day. I know she’s hiding. Her wings are white and wide, wide as the palm of my hand, and the tiny legs have heels on and pierce my veins when she walks. She’s wearing them to whore herself, but she’s trapped inside me and she’s drowning. The johns are looking for her. I slit myself open, vein after vein, wrist after wrist, and she’s hiding again, so I go to a doctor and tell him, “please, there is a butterfly in my stomach, he put it there, but he’s long gone and she’s starving.” “Feed her,” he tells me, so I swallow my razor blade and I close my ears against the metallic sound of her chewing inside me. I throw up, and out of my mouth falls a letter, a broken condom, a ticket to London and the One. Ask away. Submit.

[solnaskin]

well, you know who this is about. don’t you.

there is blood spilling out of my guts yet i laugh

and you speak of forgiveness and you're sipping your drink and you know you'd be having so much more fun if i was still invisible

there are tears spilling out of my lungs 'cause i'm drowning

and i fumble for a lighter to burn all this land that's already dead inside me.

sometimes i wish you'd be brave enough to admit all that you did just once more.

but you speak of forgiveness and i know what you mean "move on" you mean "'cause I have."

this is about that time you cried on my shoulder even though you're the reason i've cried all my life. i was poisoned inside and i craved to survive yet i soothed you. this is about that time you fell on your knees and said "i'm sorry" even though you were nothing but scared of consequences.

there is blood all over now over you over me and we're drenched and i know we could clean all this mess -- don't ask how -- and i know you're my nightmares still

every night i'm a child and i cry and i think if the monster does touch me i'll die how many times do i have to be the grown up woman who will sooth this child before i kill it with my own hands just to take her pain away

(and what will you think when this'll eventually happen will you then think you could have done more for forgiveness than just speak of it)

[solnaskin]

I can be whatever I want so I become, move, stretch; the world expands I breathe; to be born, then to be dead to be now, for I have been;

and he, all aware of tiptoed madness and obsessive pain, exclaims: the hangman longs for me so I shall go.

I sleep with him, thus he won’t have to; He holds my hand, we bleed alike this act is new, almost childlike what is intimacy if not this night?

We clasp our hearts. Must have been hard to swim through all these lives. There’s sure here something sweet. “You waited long…” “Hope that you waited too.” “Worry, then worry not; I always do.”

[solnaskin]

it isn't like we are bad people or like the trees won't flourish once again; it isn't like the stones won't turn - just in a while - into sand; don't you believe the waves when they tell you they've been everywhere, but here? don't you believe me when i say i've loved you everywhere, but near?

it isn't like my skin will be divinely smooth 'till the end of time it isn't like i would have stayed - though it is true, you have been mine -

just so you know there are some raindrops slightly saltier there is sunlight somewhere too sometimes you ask - could we be happier? we're not forever. we’ll make do.

[solnaskin]

i thought you were the end of the road because all i could always see in the horizon was your face. you weren’t the end. you were an obstacle. finally meeting you was right but when you said i can now rest i knew that’s all i ever did so now i won’t. i thought you were the beginning of the road because all i could see when looking back, was scars you caused. you weren’t the beginning.  you were an obstacle. i moved past you, now and i won’t take a break until you’re nothing but a dot an itch  a day.

[solnaskin]

the days pass, obsessions don’t  maybe we could form a bond

so what did you think poor starving child when your long gone bird tweeted outside your fanlight did you invite it in to feed it or to make sure it’s still alive

and did it come in to eat or to make sure it’s still alive

[solnaskin]

tonight or never or perhaps another time you will be mine. he says the muses sing his joyful deeds i’m a new person now, indeed he screams -- the worms eating you up are not should not be known as a disaster done because of me. tonight or never or perhaps another time our skins will merge this fucking heat will kill us anyway we might as well (tonight or never) melt together

[solnaskin]

here came a corpse and said you’ve killed me -- “oh well,” you whispered, “sorry.” then cried on your knees and kissed her shoes just in case she was a demon.

i want some friends, she said since i can’t hate you, i might as well love you “oh well,” you whispered and stood up relieved -- she was just weak.

the alive and the dead aren’t friends. killers and little girls don’t match.

here came a corpse and said i will forgive you if you stay but you were busy, as always the room was empty, as always and she, hearing her own echo, thought someone was about to forgive her too.

[solnaskin]

there’s a monster under my bed.  now he’s on top of it.  me. they call him killer for he kills himself a lot and they say he makes kids bleed. 

there’s a monster under my skin.  he wants out therefore my scars are not because i have a cat.  they call him angry for he cries a lot and people forget what crying means. there’s a monster sleeping on my bed. now he’s awake. me. they call me his  for he kills me a lot and they say it’s fine for i left the door unlocked anyway and waited. 

[solnaskin]

“Wake up. It’s time,” the pill said.

Normality came rushing in, like freezing water thrown at my face, forming crystal drops on my eyelids.

I didn’t like it. I blinked hard, trying to see again what had never been there, and the drops dug into my eyes and blinded me.

Normality came rushing in, and I left, rushing out. I never stick around too long.

[solnaskin]

And what about your these and thats (I’ll be the land for I do know being a little bird is strange) the fingers clutching, hearts and such the ever lasting hope for change What about the tears and joys (I’ll be the land for I do know being seas is surely nice) the salty vows, the second choice the crust of skin around thin ice What about the mes and yous (I’ll be around for you do know being a little bird is right) the past, the now, all that we lose what did you really find?

[solnaskin]

He’s not replaceable. Then again, no one is.

He was the only man who ever truly loved me. And now, kneeling next to his empty flesh, after having eaten all his intestines, I wonder why he doesn’t breathe anymore. I’m betrayed; he said he’d never leave, and here he is, present but gone.

My fingers dig into his organs and I bite his heart like a hungry dog. I sleep on his chest, waiting for him to wake up, be alive again and love me. Blood comes out of my mouth. He never moves and he never grabs a napkin to clean me up.

He’s not replaceable. Then again, I’m still hungry.

[solnaskin]

Undress; show me your skin. It’s time.

It’s not about the sex I have. It’s not about the sex I’ve had, or will have. It’s about the divine bliss of torment the mind can only reach in a state of body shattering paranoia.

It’s about the cuts, and the blood, and the pain, and the loudest scream I was once promised I will someday perform. It’s about breath taking violence, the one that leaves you crippled, the one that takes away your sight and leaves your eyes seeing only what is related to the God your excitement had firstly been.

It’s about revenge, pure, sickening revenge, collapsing boundaries, crimes, a slap that bruises your heart and a kiss that kills you. It’s about full moon, a bench in the middle of a park, and a shaky knife stabbing your heart ‘till you’re born.

We all cry when we come into the world. It’s our first sign of living. It’s proof we exist. When I’m born, I promise you I’ll cry. I’ll drown myself in a sea of your seed, stepping on the sharpest rocks of an ocean made only for me.

I will love you, then. And surprisingly, I will be worshiped.

[solnaskin]

Is this what you call a life?

(the perfect girl awaits for her perfect gift. the perfect gift is not for sale. the girl is.)

[solnaskin]

I understand it. I understand being lonely. I felt it when you looked at me; I became it that perfect summer morning you woke up with an idea. I know little about you; I can barely understand raw need, but I worship it. Your motivations are rough and solid, hard working boy, all-deserving and almighty.

I understand how it is, staring at the cracked paint of a mouldy ceiling and realising that, this summer, you will rot. You will melt away; catch fire; go mad. Unless you do something. Anything. Anything to entertain yourself through the heat wave of teen madness.

Hearing your honest regrets, is like hearing you advocate against fire while you hold a burning lighter under my breasts. And yet, once I offered you my lighter, and very kindly, you just lit a cigarette and gave it back.

[solnaskin]

To the Victim

Dependance is a curious thing; I’ve recently heard most people call it love for short. Love can’t stand cheating, people say, love can’t stand lying. I’m telling you now, and let’s keep it between the wise and the ridiculed: love shall stand everything.

The romantics are thrilled with such announcements; sadly unaware of how love will seek what it can’t stand and stand it. You are betrayed, and you deserve a truth, though I will never understand why anyone would pick the truth over my mind.

[solnaskin]

Are you choking? Does it hurt? Who are you today? Drink your tea.

I have a thousand fingers and they’re all, all over you, at once, they rip you apart because they hate you and I’m so determined to hate you more I can’t help but bond. We’re one now. We are a wave in the sea and my tears become salt. I have been yours, I said, and what I meant was just beyond your grasp, just around the corner. I have a sharp piece of broken glass inside my stomach and today it shatters. My belly button rips open and you see all the blood yet nothing can be done and I hate you for loving things that aren’t me.

Let’s talk about him now. I changed my mind. Let’s not. Let’s talk about girls. Those delicate poor creatures we keep murdering daily, then read their stories in the magazines and wonder who the hell it was who dared to kill them first. Did I fuck her, you ask? Of course I did. I only like to be the best.

It is about him. About all the hims who came and left, and don’t bother mentioning Dad, God bless him, for he’s not relevant, not now. People say “I’ll always be with you” and mean “I’ll be with you for as long as I feel like believing I’ll always want to,” and then they snap their fingers and they’re gone, which is fine, but I didn’t think it’d happen to me because I had it all figured out.

They have all these names now, these boring medical names, psychotic disorders and bipolar craziness and schizophrenic crapdance. They’re too afraid to admit it was over before it ever began. They fist your throat and let their grip loose inside your stomach, dropping pills and hope and ideas to maybe consider or maybe not, but all I want is to have it all and who cares, who really cares if it’s all because of Daddy or if I was born to suffer and make them suffer too.

I think I could be normal, but I think a lot of things these days and they never work. 

[solnaskin]

you definitely watched it but didn’t do anything and didn’t even wipe my blood off you before shaking my hand. no, you cannot will not should not escape. give in, it’s time to go where you promised. all the way. you let it happen and forgot my name. you knew; but you pretended like you didn’t.

(and i knew; but i pretended like i didn’t.)