I talked about you today, in an office that I’ve visited numerous times prior.
The walls are lined with new paintings and “thank you” cards. In the corner, a built-in shelf containing stories of many others and possibly their worst days laid ajar. The printer is always where it’s been - next to a neat desk with the time and a purple teddy bear on a metal rack. Underneath the teddy bear is a steadfast box of tissues. “I might need that”, I thought to myself.
My eyes occasionally gaze through the windows my therapist keeps unblocked with paintings or drawings from her clients. I see a construction crane moving back-and-forth across the window, working on the site of a demolished building across the street.
It’s a hot day today. I was sweating bullets when I arrived at her office. Inside me was a heaviness I hadn’t felt in some time. My thoughts and emotions have been a knotted mess for the last few weeks.
I talked about you today and came to realise that, regardless of your sexuality, your investment in our connection was shallow at best. In our conversations, you’ve never once asked me how I was, or what was going on in my life. I can’t even say that you like me, because you simply don’t know me well enough, nor have attempted to know me better. I gave you opportunities to ask me questions, but was met with throwaway comments that spoke of how you weren’t present.
Yet, you tried to stay in contact through reels. I don’t understand it - what do you want from me? A weekday reel recipient while on weekends you disappear to be with a certain someone?
We are not a couple, yes, and I cannot demand anything close to it. But, you’re not at all invested in my life.
I talked about you today, but it was with a wisdom that you want to be somewhere else but here, with me. You say that you value people who invest their time and energy in you - how do you value them though? By forwarding reels? Through throwaway comments?
Your constant thrill-seeking speaks of something within you that is disconnected with how you feel. Do you know what you’re feeling? It doesn’t mean you’re challenging the traditional notions of masculinity just because you cry.
I talked about you today, and perhaps in bitterness, perhaps in anger. I’ve tried to keep our connection alive. I made us a shared playlist, I sent you my favourite songs, thinking that you would update the playlist with them or with songs you’ve been listening to. To date, the playlist still has the most number of songs to my name.
I should’ve known when you stopped watching my Stories; I should’ve known when I saw that you had forwarded a reel; I should’ve known when I had to initiate conversation most times; I should’ve known.
Maybe this is the closure and goodbye I can never express to you, because it was a start that should’ve never been.
I talked about you today, and it will be the last time.
turnnoffyourmind
jimmyeatworldofficial
blakekathryn
yousharknotpass
ellievsbear
