new year !! thanks for sticking around, everyone — i hope 2025 is fruitful for you ♡
mod update !! like for realsies !! i try not to blather abt personal life here, but where's the sauce in that ??
if u've been here a minute u might know that i've been working a seasonal job for the last couple years — admittedly, that 3 yr stint of warehouse employment inbetween was a mental health / pandemic fluke. i'd made a promise to my ex at the time not to go back to field work due to its impact on me, and with the uncertainty of where my life was going, i didn't know what to do with myself. so i crawled back to what was comfortable: social mediaaa. in early 2020, i was doing some side-work as a webtoon assistant, and kind of reveling in how well my account was doing on tiktok
let me tell u ... the deadlines and work load for webtoon artists is insane. the artist i was working for had to assist me assisting her because i couldn't paint panels fast enough. i didn't have time for personal or fandom OC stuff — that, and my hungry ego pushing me to create bandwagon fanart to keep my account alive, kind of crushed my growth as an artist. even if there was technical improvement, my focus wasn't on creating work that satisfied me, it was on garnering enough consistent attention to validate myself as an artist. i'd lost a lot of my creative drive shilling what skill i had to fickle algorithms and a fleeting audience. following trends is unsustainable for your work and spirit.
there were heaps of power outages at my warehouse in 2021, so during one of them i made this blog :p i'd been in-and-out of the tumblr rp scene for years at the point, though it was my primary hobby up until i was 18. field work was taking me out of service almost 50% of the year — i just didn't have the time. so i figured that since i was trying* to settle for the first time in my life, it was a good time to jump back.
* it wasn't really "trying" — more so resigning to the sudden shift in my life. i wasn't going back to the job i loved and had devoted so much of myself to; i was kicked out of my parents' place for causing "the death of america" and living in my grandparents' basement; if i wasn't at work, i was sleeping or scrolling. the pandemic added to my chronic anxiety, i wasnt making friends at work. my ex and i were separated by an ocean with no idea of when i'd return. the vibrancy of my life had faded :'p
if it wasn't obvioooous i didn't have a clear direction with these two when i started lolol; all i knew was that i wanted them to be "ride-or-die best friends". i think the trope was very appealing to my loneliness — still is ! but in my attempts to capture only the best of these besties, i found it difficult to convey them as semi-fleshed out beings. i couldn't pick a voice, a face — anything. the vision i have of miri & eilian is still blurred. it's hard to discern what i actually like versus what i've seen in my feed lately
so while the intention has always been there, finding the drive to follow thru has not. i've failed to be as consistent as i hoped when starting this blog; i don't like how my words lack integrity. i want to get to starters. i miss the flow of writing with someone. i love making art. i miss friends and community while isolating myself from them in fear of what ? judgement ? my art and writing looking like shit sometimes ?
i'm tired of letting my insecurity keep me from engaging with art and rp; i'm 27, i started this blog around 24 and haven't done nearly as much as i would've liked. i can forgive myself a bit — it's foolish to believe we're not impacted by the world around us, even if we're not aware of everything going on — but there's no reason for me to stop doing what i love because i'm afraid. these ideas would've left my head by now if i didn't want to see them come to life in one way or another, and just like everyone else i'm capable of doing so in whatever medium i please !!
once again, seasonal work also played a part in my absence, as it did in my late-teens/early-twenties. honestly, i don't regret getting back into the field. i got what i needed out there. nature keeps the mind and muse alive. the reality of manual labor, however, is that you can't do it forever. passion can only take you so far, and hardly feeds you. i had mentors say most of us retire to office work by 30 because our bodies are so fucked by 28, and having been around long enough, i've seen it happen. suppose it's my turn now. again, i got what i needed out there.
all this to say i'm taking steps to stabilize my shit !! for a long long long time i've been doing this "one foot in, one foot out" thing because i was simultaneously afraid of settling but desperate for stability. and it's not easy straying from what you've done for nearly a decade, especially when it defines you as a person. over the last year tho, i've incidentally stepped into a life i thought was impossible. i'm fully independent. i returned, thrived, and succeeded in my career. i'm loved. i'm transitioning. it's so hard. life is so stupid hard and it's not going to wait for me while i'm paralyzed by decision anxiety. i had a mentor ask if i'm excited to start placing roots, and i really am :) it means i get to be closer to those i love, have the safety and security to keep growing as a person, have the time to recover from creative burnout and find joy in art again. my body will get the rest and treatment it needs and deserves. it's good to be at a point where i can accept what i love isn't working for me, and have the courage to dive into something new.
as per each new year, i want to be more active here. though new beginnings can happen whenever, this one just happened to line up w/ 2025. i'm putting the work into shedding my perfection-induced neuroticism and will start writing/drawing again, even if it doesn't meet my standards. i want to share what i've got in mind with y'all, and i hope you enjoy it as much as i do. much love to you all. thank you for being here — i'm excited to see where we'll go together ♡
okay one last thing ... as a new years treat ... now that i'm not fucking off to a mountain in 4 months ...
i can have ... baby grill ... she's getting spayed soon, but with it being the holidays i have to wait until next week to pick her up :p i'm in love with her mugshot
janainaart
germansingergirl
2087
annaxmalina
origamiaround
izzy806
pixelskylines
dededos
