the next right thing

[songjeans]

the one in which i am melancholy | oct 27 2020

i remember the first time i heard the word ‘melancholy’ as a kid and i thought it was so beautiful. probably because it sounds musical and it sounds a bit like melodic which is musical lol.

i don’t like journaling anymore because i don’t want to confront my feelings so instead here is this

thorn

i am melancholy

i miss meets

my soul feels tired

i need to stop watching tv/reading books/listening to music taking in creative things don’t i they make me unhibernate and it’s so difficult

i think i am gna try a vanishing experiment!!

rose

i had a fun hangout w/my friends today :) it was nice to see them and nice to feel a bit closer to someone

i am reading a new sophie kinsella book rn hehe

i used to be better at finding small good moments but now i am like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ok this isn’t a rose so i need to make it a rose um i love k dramas!!! i watched one today!! (boys before flowers, a classic)

bud

tomorrow i will be with my SISTER!!! yay!!!

there’s always an up after a down!!! at some point!!!

[songjeans]

My best friend suffers from GAD and Depression. I am quite the opposite. Rather a stress-free, positive person. It's hard to answer your question because I don't experience what you do, but the best way I would describe the difference between how I am and she is is that I am "unburdened." Visually, it's like as if we all go through the journey of life picking things up, carrying them along the way, then putting them down and picking new stuff up again. I and people like me tend to carry a few items - some good some bad - but mostly we let the stuff go. While my best friend is dragging all of this stuff and can't seem to put it down. The ex who cheated. The job that rejected her. The pet rabbit that died when she was in 5th grade. Her parents' lack of retirement savings. Dog's poor health. That one guy in 8th grade who said her nose was too big. The friend who talked behind her back. A C- she didn't deserve. The boss who didn't appreciate her. The pounds she couldn't lose. It's all there all the time suffocating her. So when I wake up in the morning, I am not necessarily bright eyed and bushy tailed, but I am not burdened by these bad feelings from these bad experiences. I have put them down and left them behind at some point in my life. Sure there might be some new ones, but they will eventually get left behind too. She hasn't let any of them go. I wish I could help her put them down and move forward.

People WITHOUT depression and anxiety, what is life like? Reddit post

[songjeans]

i miss u

[songjeans]

the one in which i’m pretty sure i’m going to fail | oct 22 2020

i’m so fkn tired rn i am only half listening to this autopsy lecture which is unfortunate b/c i am sure it could be interesting

thorn

that anatomy exam did... not go well lmao

i’m so tired

rose

i got to study with my friend today and that was nice!!

i was in a good mood at the beginning of the day :)

bud

i can’t wait to slp

i can’t wait to be done with this midterm whether i pass or fail 

[songjeans]

the one in which i have a bad dream | oct 21 2020

i had a desire to come back to this blog because i was thinking about how during my moment of crisis last year, this blog brought me great comfort. at the very least, it was a moment of daily self reflection which i think helped me... do things.

thorn

it’s funny when you know where your brain gets its inspiration for dreams... last night i found out that legally blonde 3 was a thing and mindy kaling is the writer, so i went on her wikipedia page and learned that in college, she had a blog, which i thought seemed a bit random... so of course i had a dream about meets having a detailed blog, which would never happen irl imo... it was just a blog about her life in dental school. anyway that made me feel funny

i did absolutely nothing today b/c i am rubbish

i read harry potter and it made me sad which is soOoooOoo funny and ironic because my criticism about harry potter has always been its lack of emotional depth lmao

thinking about this one moment my sister and i had when she lived at home and she was in uni when she woke me up in the middle of the night because she was sad and lonely. just thinking about it

rose

i got the day off which was unearned and full of guilt but still i got it

i was happy to be at home tonight because you miss these small moments when you move away but today after dinner i was reading at the table and my mom was just there and idk

bud

i’m going to listen to some music or a podcast and clean my room and i think that’ll make me feel a bit better

tomorrow is going to be a productive day. they are hard days but they make my soul happy

i’m going to see my sister next week!!! i’m going to hold onto that

[songjeans]

the one in which it’s an early night :-) | oct 7 2020

could i sleep by 11 pm?????????

thorn

i never knew i actively disliked mike pence so much (haven’t heard him speak that much until today) and i actively dislike him! 

i’ve been feeling off since yesterday and i managed to work through it today but it is still there and idk what to do but ignore it heheh

i can’t listen to this debate my blood is boiling

also i’m sad lol

rose

i had a very productive day (notice how i only ever make these on productive days)

i studied with a friend i haven’t seen in a while and we caught up for a bit and it was rlly nice!!

bud

good night everyone i am going to have good sleep

[songjeans]

the one in which i don’t take a break | oct 5 2020

oh no... i forgot to film LOL oh no i just had such an adrenaline rush. dang

thorn

forgot to film :( which is like partly for youtube but also partly for the MEMS i’m sad

i’m going to be so tired tomorrow lol but it’s ok it was all worth it

sometimes i have these moments when i realise i’m living my life a little bit ‘going through the motions’ and then something snaps me out of it, pulls back the curtain, and i feel something so deeply in my heart... anyway, i felt this feeling today, and not in a good way lol oh well whatever

i think i’m still feeling a bit leftover adrenaline from hosting the call (i am so introverted) and it’s turning into a leeeetttle bit of anxiety mixed with the unveiled emotion but it’s ok i’ll wash up and zonk right out it should be fine

rose

had a really productive day which i’m happy about. well, idk if it was productive per se, but i did my best and that’s really all i can hope for, isn’t it.

this is bleeding into oct 6 lol b/c it’s after midnight but it’s my friend’s bday and we just had a zoom call and it was rlly cute if i say so MYSELF! 🥺🥺🥺 happy bday u know who u r love u the mostest

discovered a new ben platt song today. got intrigued, so i listened to his whole album to see if there were more undiscovered gems (there weren’t unfortunately). but i really like this song (in case you don’t live forever). also i just looked up the lyrics and the meaning and it’s much more heartbreaking than i thought

today is a new day, new tutor, new start. i’m prepared and ready to talk more. break out of the shyness. i can do it

you ever think about how growth isn’t linear? and that you can’t recognise your progress until you zoom out? i’m really proud of myself in the past year. i think i’ve grown a lot.

this girl i don’t know very well messaged me about my youtube video and that was so unexpectedly nice

bud

whatever happens this weekend, it’ll be a good one because at least it’s a long one

i’m so excited for CHRISTMASSSSS it’s literally keeping me going b/c today i asked my mom if we could get a tree and she said yes and i LOVE going to the farm

[songjeans]

the one in which the weekend never seems to arrive | oct 1 2020

am i doing anything particularly different this weekend than i would on a school day? unfortunately, no. does that mean i’m not excited for the weekend? heck no

thorn

WHEREEEEEE IS THE WEEKEND!!!!!!

i was really burnt out today studying that i couldn’t push through my ab workout today :( willpower is a finite source i swear

weekend plan was cancelled b/c of a covid test impending :(

rose

i started editing my video and i’m very really so excited for it to be finished it’s so so fun :-)

i actually really like anatomy even though everything looks the same and is confusing i admire the chaos and the attempt to name and categorise everything

i finished the 3rd harry potter and i’m excited to move onto the 4th one

i remembered to say white rabbits when i woke up this morning!

i’m into stretching my body lately because i feel like it’s broken and i’m trying to fix it. will let you know how futile it is

my sister tested negative for covid!!! yay

bud

i’ve been so busy i’ve had no time to be sad but maybe i will burn out so tomorrow will be a bit of a more chilled evening i am hoping

the nhl draft is next week and i’m a littleeeee nervous that we do something stupid

i’m just really excited for this week to be over lol

october = halloween = CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSS

[songjeans]

the one in which september is ending | sep 30 2020

i’m going to play that song right now. man, i remember watching the music video for this as a kid and being devastated. what an iconic song. truly one of the first songs i remember listening to over and over again as a child.

thorn

didn’t reach my stretch goal of studying today, but it is what it is.

i’m almost done sunbeamsjess’ vlogtober, what am i to do :( the answer is... re-watch it! hahaha

i’m at a sad part of harry potter and i don’t want to continue reading :( i feel so bad for harry lol

rose

i know i said this before, but i really am loving spotify. i created a new playlist today for fall and i’m listening to some old nostalgic tunes that remind me of fall. makes me feel warm n cozy

i had a relatively productive day. i feel like i squeezed out the best i could out of my brain.

my run today was pretty slow but i had a good time. i wasn’t too tired during it, and my ankles didn’t hurt! yay!

hump day is OVER! and trust me, i felt it today. not fun.

got to study with a friend and my sister for a bit today, which was really lovely and nice

i’m discovering the power of a short 10 minute nap. life-changing, honestly.

i’m going to sleep early tonight hehehe it’s only 10 but i’m already done my night routine and ready for sleep

i like grocery shopping once i’m there, i just hate leaving my house. but i went today and i got some snacksss which were sorely needed because there was nothing to snack on in the house

bud

i think i’m going to read the new book tonight before bed. i’m kind of looking forward to it, should be mildly interesting

i’m sooooo excited for the weekend. it’s not so much that my life changes that much on the weekend, but i just know i’m not getting more behind in school because i don’t also have class. also i have fun plan friday so i’m excited!!

i’m also excited for october. it’s going to be a good one folks, i can feel it in my BONES

[songjeans]

the one in which i feel sustainable | sep 29 2020

i really love this tumblr because i think it kind of changed my life. which sounds so corny, but doing rose bud thorn before bed was probably what kickstarted me into having a night routine, and now that i’m getting back into the night routine, i really feel like it’s a routine that works so well for me. the greatest part is that it feels like i could live like this sustainably for–well, maybe not forever, but for a long time. work hard until a certain time, then switch gears into being off.

now i just need to get a morning routine going, but that is exponentially trickier for me i find.

thorn

didn’t get to read the new book today which is a bit annoying but i’m sure i will eventually

i didn’t have a great school day, in the sense that i felt shy? or maybe i was just tired. idk, i didn’t talk a lot and i’m feeling a bit worried about it b/c evaluations are this week :/

we have a health scare in the family. my sister’s coworker has covid and they’re shutting down the office for 2 weeks. she got tested, cross your fingers and pray please

rose

i am really loving spotify, you guys. i really do think i will pay for it after my month is over. i find that it just has a better interface (even though i do so hate the dark), i like the social aspect of it, i like making playlists, and i think it loads faster than apple music.

i’m so grateful i interviewed last week b/c i won’t have to do it this week hehehe

i also feel like i’m incorporating a sustainable exercise routine into my life as well. i think shifting my mindset into viewing it as pumping happy chemicals in my brain really helped

i studied with my friends today! the whole group was together for like 30 minutes maybe and then we slowly trickled out but it was still fun

i also feel like i’m fixing my sleep schedule. right? i’ve been consistently waking up around 7:30, 8 on the weekdays for three weeks now, mainly because i’m so tired by nighttime i literally can’t force myself to stay up later at 12 but that’s a good thing

i just feel really happy like i’m working hard but also incorporating things to make me happy so that i can feel like i can breathe and i love that

paid off my eyelash extensions B)

bud

i’m really looking forward to hanging out with my friends on friday :) it’ll be a really nice ending to the week and it’s motivating me to work hard for that reward

guys did you know it’s october soon which means thanksgiving is soon??? it would be really nice to see my sister, idk if that’s going to happen, but i’m really hoping i can get my academics together so it happens (and also covid let’s see how that goes lol)

i’m also so excited for christmas and it is NOT my fault. my friend brought it up to me first and i was like :o and i’m starting to get so excited but i have to remember to calm down because we still have halloween season to get through and then november, which is arguably the worst month of the year but still i am so excited

i also think i’m going to do some shopping this weekend as a reward. i want to buy scrunchies and scarves and jackets and boots and i’m just really into clothes rn LOL

[songjeans]

the one in which i remember this tumblr exists | sep 28 2020

i completely forgot about this tumblr. to be fair, my mental health last week was not great, and i was very stressed out and not thinking about anything really. but i’m back! hello.

thorn

i had a pretty perfect day. well, didn’t study as much as i would have liked, and i panicked a little because i think i have to get more bloodwork done (ugh) but those are pretty minor.

rose

the weather was sososososo beautiful today. i think the real last day of summer? it was so nice and sunny and warm with a light breeze. gorgeous.

i went on a run because i’m trying to think of running as a preventative measure for my mental health. taking proactive steps, you know, instead of reactive ones. it’s working pretty well so far.

we had a lecture about how we’re going to be evaluated and i’m feeling less stressed, so that makes me feel good.

i think i’m going to be able to sleep earlyish tonight and that also makes me feel happy

i’m getting back into reading and watching sitcoms which makes me happy too. i’m reading harry potter at the minute at mealtimes, and i’m also catching up on some kdramas. it’s been a good time.

my mom made a fantastic dinner tonight. i don’t usually like jeon but they were so good tonight i was almost sad i had the curry too (even though the curry was also very good)

i feel like i got majority of the things i wanted to get done today. that’s not actually true but it wasn’t like i was slacking off or anything

i’m in the mood to spend money, even though i still haven’t paid off my eyelash extensions from last week lmao. i just want some boots, some jeans, some sweaters, some scarves... i also want scrunchies. ok i think i can order scrunchies, how expensive can they be

bud

i’m excited to shower and journal and kick back and just do my night routine, even though i’m struggling with the cleaning aspect of it

i’m also excited to sleep. i’m quite tired

i’m also looking forward to reading rachel hollis’s new book “didn’t see that coming” tomorrow. i just want to read it and see how i feel. we’ll see

[songjeans]

the one where things are happenin | sep 21 2020

i’m so tired it’s 11:07 pm and i might give up on this whole being awake thing by 11:30. maybe. probably not, but i’ve been tired since 6 pm... no, like 3 pm. i wanted to take a nap but i didn’t.

today was an ok day. it was weird because objectively i did a lot of things and got a lot of stuff done, but also i’m still not satisfied because i’m not where i want to be. oh well. i guess it be like that sometimes.

thorn

i had a bad body image moment today. that doesn’t happen too often for me, but today was one of those days and now i’m like... well is it enough for me to change anything? we’ll see

i have a patch of irritated skin on my right eyelid and i swear it’s not b/c of my eyelash extensions, it’s b/c of the 3 pieces of eyelid tape i put on trying to get my double eyelid because it’s been gone since i’ve been so tired but i’m still worried about it so we’ll see how we do... i’m also scared b/c i have an eyelash appointment friday sksksksk

ok i just did more research and it’s 85% b/c of my eyelash extensions fk

rose

i thought i lost 200 anki cards i made on saturday but i only lost about like 50!!!!!! wow so happy

feeling very good and optimistic about my new project that’s not really that old ;)

recently i had gnocchi for the first (?) time and it was so sossosoososos good i just love potato. also it cooks in like TWO MINUTES it’s faster than ramen i swear

i got accepted for a program today! it’s not a big deal really lol but i did have to apply and i did get in, so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ let me be proud >:(

i studied a lil bit w/my franddddd and she studies something so different it’s wild

bud

i’m very very very excited for sleep and that’s all i can think of rn sorry

no that’s not true i’m excited for the weekend LOL i just want some peace from school let me catch up

[songjeans]

the one in which the week is long | sep 17 2020

i hit my ‘looking for the weekend’ moment today. yesterday’s optimism couldn’t last forever. it was a combination of physically adjusting to a new sleep schedule, mentally adjusting to school starting back up, and feeling discouraged about my future.

i think the weekend will recharge me, though. even if i have to study, it’s very different to study on the weekend vs during the week, when you also have school.

thorn

yeah i was pretty discouraged today. i went to an interest group meeting for a specialty and it just felt discouraging because it’s so competitive.

the islanders lost >:( upset b/c i wanted either pager or stone to get the cup and now NEITHER WILL

i hate thursday’s they’re so LONG

rose

the good news is i managed to pick myself up! in the worst of the funk, i managed to do some admin work and write my daily piece. then i went for a walk and the air was slightly cool today, which helped. and i even studied. big wins in my books.

i also had a revelation when i was taking a shower about specialties because it’s not like i LOVE this specialty and am certain it’s the one for me. i do have other ones i’m interested in. so that made me feel better

my dad has been making me plum tea lately and i’m so happy b/c it makes me feel so cozy and warm inside and it just tastes the best when he makes it idk why. i think my mom doesn’t make it sweet enough and the temperature is off

some people are so nice seriously

two of my profs today were so cute one kept talking about his daughters and the last slide he just put a video of him and his daughter and his daughter said bye to us 🥺 in the other one my prof was like “usually if i ask a q and you get it right i give u candy but since we’re online this cake will have to do” and she sends like a gif of a cake LOOOOL so cute

omg today i watched lilo and stitch and it was highkey RLLY SAD at some points yikes

walking with my mom is rlly the highlight of my day it’s just so chill n good on so many levels

bud

tomorrow is the WEEKENDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD i’m really excited hahaha i forgot how fun weekends are lol after my 6 month summer

i’m hoping to call my sister sometime this weekend and have a talk w/her and i think that will be rlly nice n fun

tomorrow is the weekend did i tell u

this is far away but i’m excited for barack obama’s memoir even though november 2020 will be an INTERESTING month . but i am excited for the memoir

[songjeans]

the one in which i’m excited | sep 16 2020

hehehe i had a productive day.

also i just feel... motivated and excited. tomorrow is my long school day which is not fun and exciting but i’m planning out the rest of my week and i feel good about how things are going. i think it’s because things feel manageable right now, but i don’t know how long that’ll last for, so i think i’m going to try and get ahead a bit this weekend.

but i digress. this is not my studyblr.

thorn

i... am so stupid. ok so i was just writing stuff down during my anatomy lec today b/c i got lost like 3 minutes in (so! many! terms!) so i didn’t know what was going on so when i went to study anki i didn’t recognise some stuff but i thought i was dumb but it turns out i studied tomorrow’s lecture. dumb dumb dumb 

did u know that spotify’s free trial is now ONLY A MONTH????????

no hockey today and i was bored >:(

i have to wake up earlier than normal tmrw... SIGH

rose

i had a rlly cute fun study date with my friend today!! we drank coffee together and studied together. also her dog is rlly cute. u didn’t hear it from me

i am consistently surprised by how much i like lauv and his music. i discovered a new song of his today ‘love somebody’ and should i just listen to all his songs???

MY FRIEND JUST MESSAGED ME THE NICEST THING ABOUT HOW I MOTIVATE HER AND I AM 🥺😭

i am becoming old. i like drinking hot water in the morning. maybe i’m just cold though

so many leaves r changing colours :o can’t tell how i feel about this

maybe not a great idea to disclose financial stuff but took another step towards financial literacy today and i’m feeling good 💪🏻

anatomy was a struggle but kind of fun i said KIND OF

i discovered some discounts i get for being a med student and i’m happy

bud

i just have to get through tmrw. i hate thursdays

it’s almost the WEEKEND the weekend is gna be hype bro

i don’t care if i have to stay up a little bit i want to watch an episode of friends >:(

[songjeans]

the one where i feel OK | sep 15 2020

it’s not that i had a bad day per se, it’s just that i had a day in which i didn’t do a lot, and i feel guilty about it, but not too much, because i did some. so like kind of guilty. so i feel OK.

thorn

i wasn’t very productive :$ doesn’t make me feel good my dudes, doesn’t make me feel good

also slept through my alarm and woke up at 7:30 lol oops

this one girl in my class was rlly annoying lol

someone honked at me while i was driving n i was D:

rose

i think i am gna z earlyish today (hopefully by like 10:30, 11 at the latest) so i’m feeling good and happy

i am proud of myself b/c i was rlly tired and i didn’t want to study but i studied a lil bit so i’m not completely behind (on day TWO)

i’m redownloading spotify as we speak because i miss it and i’m just going to use my new school email to get another 90 day free trial lol and then if i still like it i’ll pay for it hahaha

i had a fun day hanging out with my friends :)) we also got pad thai for dinner which was yum and we played trivia which was fun a lil spook but fun

we had our first anatomy lab today and i didn’t pass out! it was a lil sad ? not sad but just like a lot. anatomy seems pretty cool, i think i could like studying for it since it’s pretty much straightforward memorisation. too bad i was woefully unprepared for today LOL

i rlly hope islanders PULL THRU

bud

i am looking forward to having a productive day tmrw :))

i have a tutorial tmrw! which is kind of mysterious but i’m hoping it’s pretty laidback and fun

ya not rlly looking forward to a lot i should schedule in more fun to look forward to hmmm

[songjeans]

the one where life is completely different | sep 14 2020

i’ve missed you, songjeans. you were a good time in my life. and thorn rose bud isn’t as fun when it’s just for me. i like sharing my lessons with people. and i have good memories of doing this last year when i started. it made me feel optimistic and hopeful, and i think we could all use that right now.

so recap: in the past 6 months, there was a global pandemic, i got into med school, i moved back home, i started med school, i didn’t mention summer because nothing really happened. but i rested. a lot. that was pretty nice.

thorn

i was hoping to sleep by 11 and it is 11:49 >:(

i still haven’t cleaned out my sd card... SIGH filming every day is a struggle because i continuously have to delete stuff lol

i hate my apple pencil grip lol my middle finger skin is angry at it

i haven’t eaten out in four days and i,,, miss it. lol i’m going to have to adjust to living at home and eating real people food lol

rose

so there’s this upper year girl who i messaged today asking for academic advice and she was so so so nice! i feel bad actually b/c i left her on read but it’s because she sent me paragraphs and i just want to give her a good reply but i love it when people are nice when they don’t have to be

first day of med school was today and it was kind of overwhelming in a very big way but also i had a really productive today and it made me feel really good

i called some of my friends today when i was walking outside and it made me happy to catch up with some of them :’)

ok sorry back to school again but like i have a good feeling about this year. idk if it’s because i’m at home or what, but i just feel like i’m going to thrive. i felt this way before i started grade 12 and grade 12 was one of my favourite years so that’s that

i love my ipad!!! i do really love it for school stuff it was a very good purchase i am very happy

i started a studyblr again LOL but i’m hoping it keeps me motivated and excited for school even during the bad bits (and there will be bad bits)

i’m just in a good mood

also i got done all the things i wanted to get done today. wait that’s not true. i didn’t do 2 things. OK but they can be done tomorrowww

i cleaned my room a lil aka put clothes away where they ought to go and it made me happy

i FINISHED ALL MY ANKI CARDSSSSSSSSS i need to shout this from the rooftops because it took so much willpower lmao

bud

i get to see my FRIEND tomorrow i have not seen her in almost a WEEK and i MISS her

tomorrow is my first anatomy lab. i feel nervous and excited about this. here’s hoping it goes well

friday i am going to sleep so well i am going to sleep at 7 like i used to in grade 12

very excited to sleep hehehe i am going to sleep SO WELL

[songjeans]

the one with the quote | march 10 2020

i know it should be ‘mar’ if i’m going with the precedent i’ve set, but ‘mar’ looks weird. also, it’s 3:19 am rn, but i didn’t get home until 3 am, so you can’t even get mad that this post is late because i wasn’t home!

anyway i’m thinking of having a quote in the beginning snippet of these posts sometimes. this is today’s:

“I’ve lost nothing. She never was what I thought her, so I’ve lost nothing.” –Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine. great book.

thorn

predictably, am doing bad in school.

predictably, am doing bad in career.

predictably, am struggling a lot in work but trying to keep my chin up. just keep chipping away at it and it’ll pay off one day. i have to believe that that’s true

still have yet to get the period >:(

starting to get really worried about my friend in new york city :( i know relatively speaking cases are still low (relatively compared to population) but it’s still an unknown entity and also abnormal and scary so

rose

proud of myself for waking up early like i said i would! was sort of brain-dead all day but at least i showed up and showing up is half the battle. sometimes it’s the entire battle.

i hung out with a friend today kind of (hanging out at the library LOL) and it was a good fun happy cheery time

i finished the bulk of my comp sci assignment and i’m so relieved. i think i’m done, i have a couple finishing touches left maybe depending on how my ta reacts tomorrow but overall done YAY :)

sleep tonight is going to be so beautiful even though it’s short lived. but so beautiful.

i met this girl who turned out to be nicer than i expected and that’s always nice innit

bud

sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

i’ll get to read lauren layne’s book soon! one day! maybe tomorrow even!

i’m going to sleep so well on friday i hope i am so excited

it is my mother’s bday soon and shoutout to my mom she’s actually the best i love her