[songzofsaya]

they/them + adult + professional kitty cat + small and fragile

this blog is not a kink blog but sometimes its a kink. im small and easily injured so be gentle with me. will meow for money

EIGHT IS MY NAME NOT MY AGE, NOT A LITTLESPACE BLOG

[songzofsaya]

i forget for 10 fucking seconds i live in Monogamy World where offhandedly mentioning a crush you have literally 0 plans to do anything about as part of an unrelated conversation will lead to your fucking friend groups breaking down. awesome. i LOVE monogamy world and i LOVE when people put me in the position of hey, i know you didnt tell me your tumblr and explicitly go out of your way to keep it separate from irl but im gonna follow your online diary anyways and then get weird when you use it like an online diary

[songzofsaya]

its just strange to me that things that happened basically entirely online still affect me way way more than Getting Choked On The Ground On The Side Of The Freeway like thats legit so funny. brain went eh yeah okay whatever, NEXT ! but getting bullied on tumblr at 16 still produces such visceral reactions in me i delete my blog and spend 20 minutes full body sobbing to my girlfriend about it

[songzofsaya]

*forgetting its a deeply traumatic thing to happen to somebody* haha yeah i mean my ex only grabbed me by the throat like. 3 times. maybe 4 i dont remember. yeah i mean i was always crying and screaming and freaking out so it makes sense she would do that. yeah. yeah and i mean she was 8 years older than me but whatever, right, we waited until i turned 18 to officially start dating yknow. idk i dont hold it against her. its fine. no i mean its literally fine. sure she describes me as toxic on reddit and fails to mention all of the other context (like that i was a teenager for all of it and she was nearly 30) but like. whatever right. at least she moved out quickly and left me to pay the rest of the lease by myself,

[songzofsaya]

ok i actually checked the date and i was actually talking about another separate third thing: A DIFFERENT GUY NOT INVOLVED AT ALL who groomed me online when i was like 16................. thats crazy why did u think that is who i was fucking talking about omfg what

[songzofsaya]

like i cant stress enough how insane it is whoever anon was assumed or wanted it to be about him, when its like.

ex im actually talking about: literally raped me

ex anon sent the post to: we literally just dated like we just e-dated and some pretty run-of-the-mill internet tumblr microblogging drama happened. again. a literal decade ago. person i hold literally zero negative feelings towards in any capacity

[songzofsaya]

i was name/urlsearching when my blog was down because i was at a sort of new low for myself and i found somebody sending a post of mine to an ex of mine (lets say Joe so this post isnt confusing) with the cadence of like, "omg eight is talking about you", when i was vagueposting. Um. Well. a Completely different person, like extremely a different person (lets say mary), and joe seemed to be very offended by this and also convinced that yes indeed i wastalking about him and i had even, in fact, send the anon. But like. I have nothing but frankly decently positive memories of joe and dont really talk about him much at all and nothing i would ever say about mary would apply to joe so im just like. Um. Thats crazy. thats already crazy

but whats EXTRA CRAZY is that SOMEBODY ELSE in the year of our lord 2026 like?? remembers we dated? a literal decade ago?? and is, evidently, hatefollowing me partially to like. Do this^ and send a post to somebody i have not spoken to in literal years atp????? and HE THINKS IT WAS ME??????? BRO

i dont really care bc again: i have really no particular thoughts or feelings on joe bc i mean we dated as insane teenagers so like nothing really counts anyways, but like..........thats crazy man what :sob: AND LIKE AGAIN ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THE ACTUAL PERSON I WAS VAGUING IS A REALLY TRULY HORRIBLE PERSON WHO I DESPISE when like joe was and is like just a normal fucking dude :sob:

[songzofsaya]

that is just so annoying like if you literally know me why are you trying to communicate with me through fucking tumblr asks and not DMs or whatever. am i off base for this

[miyoria]

[inatcats]

Serval (Leptailurus serval)

Observed by myworldofbirdphotography, CC BY-NC

[kigoh-neko]

⇨⇨⇨

[songzofsaya]

[songzofsaya]

im stuck btwn wanting to be vulnerable online bc i cant rly do it anywhere else and also understanding how that comes across and how ppl will rightfully tear into u for that. idk.

[songzofsaya]

extremely frustrated with my own avoidance and inability to handle social interactions without a severe spike of anxiety. frustrated by my own inability to Fucking Deal With It at the cost of others. frustrated with myself for thinking this was an acceptable way to act when a situation stressed me out. idfk. mad at myself, annoyed i didnt take it seriously before, disappointed in my own backsliding of my ability to communicate and handle conflict, ashamed of my tendency to allow it all to get worse by avoiding conflict until i cant remotely deal with it anymore. none of this is a good excuse for anything im just fucking irritated at my own emotional immaturity

[songzofsaya]

like this has been my fucking issue for a decade now and its been one im extremely aware of but the thing about an avoidance response. Well. Lmao. and i just feel an even greater urge to self isolate INSTEAD of actually fix my shit and get real and face the problems ive created and im fucking Mad at myself for even considering that. the shame spiral isnt a good reason to stop being a decent person! idk. im frustrated. and its on top of everything going on w me irl and i dont know where the draw the line, like when do i say actually online isnt doable for me rn? is that just my avoidance kicking in or a genuine boundary i need to set for myself? i dont know! and im really mad i dont know. i want to be better but its at odds with some really fucking terrible trauma that screams at me that anyone coming to me with any kind of criticism or concern or problem is Actually Out To Get Me, that theyre trying to get me to embarrass myself so they can tell the world how much of a stupid little asshole i am. and that is nobodys problem but mine to deal with! but fuck! im mad. im mad at the people who treated me like this that got me here, and im mad at myself for spending a decade letting that shit control me instead of taking the energy to push through all that and be a decent person and friend.

idk. im rambling. im trying not to get dragged down in my own self pity over this so i need to just. vent. i need better social skills. i need better everything akills. its on me to do that and im fucking. irritated. about that. i hate i dont just do it.

[songzofsaya]

extremely frustrated with my own avoidance and inability to handle social interactions without a severe spike of anxiety. frustrated by my own inability to Fucking Deal With It at the cost of others. frustrated with myself for thinking this was an acceptable way to act when a situation stressed me out. idfk. mad at myself, annoyed i didnt take it seriously before, disappointed in my own backsliding of my ability to communicate and handle conflict, ashamed of my tendency to allow it all to get worse by avoiding conflict until i cant remotely deal with it anymore. none of this is a good excuse for anything im just fucking irritated at my own emotional immaturity

[songzofsaya]

my VERY controversial opinion is that asexuality, for the sake of future clarity and actually discussing what acephobia can even apply to, should return to meaning "doesnt want to HAVE sex" instead of the ridiculously nebulous and meaningless "doesnt experience sexual attraction". bc i think people who are actively not engaging in sexual relationships do have a positionality worth discussing in aome regards but the latter is....Well i mean it means nothing!

[witchrealms]

(x)