soni de nakhre

im soni and this is a blog about my nakhre.

[soni-de-nakhre]

scared, anxious, and bad at being human.

[soni-de-nakhre]

Also,

Im really killing myself trying to keep up with the political shitshow while maintaining my mental health. Every time I read the news, I feel physically unwell and it literally causes me to spiral down into an anxiety attack. I wish so much that I was exaggerating and I could still pay attention. But I can’t. I fucking can’t. 

This is inherently, and quite disgustingly, a matter of my privilege as a middle class, educated, documented Hindu immigrant. But I don’t know how to deal with it. At the moment I’m just trying to be physically present and involved in community engagement projects and help out on a much smaller scale. I’m trying to connect with people in the community who remain positive, are still out there every day working and changemaking.

[soni-de-nakhre]

hi

I was supposed to come back here and write more frequently but that didnt really happen.

I’m struggling a lot with anxiety and depression. I feel very different and very sad from the person I was last year. But I also know that I spent a lot of time learning really important lessons- how to be honest, how to be ok with my slow growth, how to think about myself as a whole being instead of just good traits and bad traits.

I’m working on stuff- helping my mom be a little bit more independent, learning how to keep myself going with intrinsic motivation, knowing when to ask for help, figuring out how to be a better partner. I think I’m healing but also I’m picking at the scabs. 

[soni-de-nakhre]

ive realized now since im ~officially~ in a long distance relationship that im not as needy as i once thought, which is A++ for sure. but i also confirmed that im definitely still horrible about goodbyes but as a process rather than a result. like im shit at saying goodbye and i get weepy and so fucking emotional but im over the actual absence pretty quickly. strange. most people are the opposite from what ive noticed. yeah so that's kind of weird but it also means i wont be cripplingly sad, also A++. glad i didnt inherit that from my mom.

[soni-de-nakhre]

im back at home so im back on tumblr i guess. life update: done with undergrad!

learned a lot from Davis and being away from home. got a lot better at managing my stress and anxiety around school probably because I was away from my very stressful mom. also i learned to stop spiraling into panic about tests which is also really nice. figured out that i need to stop judging myself on the basis of these numbers.

I had to learn some of this the very very very hard way after mistakes i will never be able to take back and a lot of grief. but such is this zindagi.

mom is doing better than she was when i wasnt at home so thats also good. it makes me feel like moving back to take care of her was the right choice, even if it was difficult and demanding.

im trying to get help where I need it. Im trying to keep getting better at not letting my fears swallow me whole. trying to be patient with myself and figure out why i have the problems I have instead of wishing them away. it’s a long process but I have people who love me to guide me through it, and for that im very grateful. 

im excited to start my new job, im sorta excited to work through the MCAT (again) and do it right this time so I don’t repeat the horrible anxiety of last time. I’m a work in progress and I’m okay with that.

[hannahholmies]

[soni-de-nakhre]

oh also i know i only post on here when im sad but thats bc i need a place to vent and i thought about getting a journal for 2 literal seconds and then i remembered that in 10th grade i had a diary where i wrote about this boy that i was in love with and how we kissed behind the school auditorium on a windy moonlit night after sneaking out of a movie night and then my bullish dorm parent went through my shit and found it and read it and i almost got kicked out boarding school and then my parents got a call from india telling them their kid was a whore.

so basically no journals foreverrrrrrrr

(and im also not sad all the time)

[soni-de-nakhre]

Im really stressed right now and hellllllllla disappointed in myself. I fucked up on something that was really important and now I’m paying the consequences and life is like 33 X harder than it should have been.

idk man. i just feel like a garbage human being and like yeah people are like “nooo omg youre gonna do great and youll get thru!!“ but i dont believe a word of it.

like i know there is life outside of this sphere of academic bullshit but im in the thick of it rn and cant see much on the other side.

[soni-de-nakhre]

vry vry tired of everything

[soni-de-nakhre]

Oh man. I watched a video of Nick’s speech at the transfer banquet last year and it was so fucking heartbreaking and im so fucking sad now. why did he have to die? why was he so reckless? why did he have to matter so much? why did he care so much? how could he have been so full of love?

how I miss you, you stupid, beautiful man.

[soni-de-nakhre]

people dont love you the way you want them to love you.

i know that. but its still hard.

[soni-de-nakhre]

.

[soni-de-nakhre]

nervous breakdown in 3...2...1....

[soni-de-nakhre]

another thing:

the pressure to be a good daughter is so pervasive and seemingly inherent to my entire existence. even when i think about not living at home because i need distance from my family to be in a good place mentally and emotionally, theres a part of me that thinks about how shitty of a daughter I would be for leaving my mom alone when i have the option to be with her. maybe this part of being a firstborn daughter, feeling like my mother’s personal warrior. i feel like i have to protect her from all things: loneliness, a shitty husband, a fucked up family.

how do i balance looking out for myself and taking care of the most important person in my world?

[soni-de-nakhre]

also realized some very important things talking to one my best friends last night.

being at home can be very bad for me in a lot of ways. i love my mom to the moon and beyond i will rip people apart and destroy empires for her but she makes me hate myself sometimes. ever since ive moved out, ive learned to be nicer to myself, to forgive my mistakes, to understand that i am a process. i was never so kind when i was at home because i always felt this pressure to be perfect at everything, all the time, there was no room for growth because there was no room for error. im terrified of slipping back into that if i move back when i graduate.

[soni-de-nakhre]

i miss having women around me. feminine presence/energy is something that is really lacking in my life these days. men just process and compartmentalize emotions so differently and its hard for me to feel like myself when i have no avenue to ride these emotions out in a supportive, protective environment.

[soni-de-nakhre]

i suck at being alone. is this a desi thing? sort of like not being able to say goodbye, another thing that I really suck at.