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I think it’s amazing how much difference a person could bring to someone else’s life.

which is how I learned it is important to be nice to everyone.

I used to be someone who didn’t like other people. Especially strangers.

I put a no-soul, tired look as a shield, so nobody approaches me or tries to talk to me.

I didn’t know that such a small thing, practiced for years, had become a habit I hadn’t realized had grown on me.

And such a small change affects my mood and my attitude toward others, people whom I call friends.

Until I met you.

I also find it fascinating: growing up for 27 years, I have never felt such energy in other people.

When you’re around, I feel calm yet energized. Like excited but also at ease. I’m quite sure those feelings are the response of different parts and spectrums of feelings inside me.

You showed me and encouraged me to be brave and open, even about personal things. That I can be at ease and be myself around you.

You’re not a mirror. You’re a catalyst. Because I didn’t know all the potential I have. That I can be more loving. That I can be more sincere. That I can be more authentic.

I feel good. I feel seen. I feel heard. I feel remembered. I feel cherished.

I didn’t know that tearing down my shield was as easy as looking at you.

Because when I see you, or when I am reminded of you. A smile naturally bloomed on my face.

And now I walk down the street putting a subtle smile, because I genuinely feel warmth inside my body when I think of you.

What do they call this type of person?

Sometimes, I despise how loving I can be. You didn't give me a chance to show you how sweet this life can be when you have someone who genuinely cares about you. Someone who chooses you. You didn't let me in. You didn't give love a chance to bloom.

I've come to understand things that only time could show: the more I get to know you, the more I realize some people just don't want love. You showed me that you choose loneliness over company, and that's the hard pill that I have to swallow.

We didn't talk about what we want, but I've come to learn that we simply have different goals and desires in this life, and that's okay.

I wish that the next time someone comes into my life, we would want the same thing.

I think I understand why people need a partner in life.

I just learned one thing, and it changed the way I see people: If they want to, they would.

I've always been in this dilemma with myself. Text first, don't text first.

If I don't text first while my head is filled with the thoughts of them, I won't stop thinking about them. If I text first, it would hurt my self respect because I'd feel that I was the one who keep holding on while they keep on being fed of my attention.

I know this is a pattern that I have to unlearn. But I'm giving myself the time and patience to learn the wisdom.

So, I stop forcing a connection by all means. And suddenly after 2 months of clean break, they texted first. And thus, it became so clear to me. If they want to, they would.

I earned myself my self respect. And I hope this would be a lesson that whenever I revisit would remind me to always love myself first. Because I deserve it.

#self love #self care #reminder #journal

Grieving is a phase that would follows me through my whole life. I would never heal from it nor need to. The intensity would be fluctuating at times. Randomly. The way for me to try to be okay might be just through the letters. When it's peaking, I wrote it down to digest and let the emotions pass. It's the only solace that I got; reading back my own words during processing the feelings because somehow it will come back.

Because how do you recover if even simple words like "laying on the floor", "kitchen", "dinner table" could bring such a big wave of emotional heaviness? you don't. You just sit with it and let it pass

Nobody asked me this.. but I admit,

Sometimes I miss my old self that was so into something.

My old self who was so passionate she used all 7 days a week in front of the computer solving her simulation problems

My old self who looked on her research with so much pride and confident; this is my blood sweat and tears. My sacrifices, my first child.

I know what I did to be that kind of self. I self blamed myself so much; if something didn't come out perfectly or satisfy my standard, I loathed myself and said bad things to myself. I compared myself with others and in my view I have to have more, better than others.

To be that self, I was always in survival mode; imperfection was intolerable, and judging myself harshly was the fuel to the fire to keep the jet going.

When I was that person, I felt prideful and confident. I felt appreciated and seen. By my professors, my colleagues, my parents...

I kind of have a clear identity and felt confident that I can do great things in life.

But these days, I am not so sure who I am anymore. I don't know what suits me. I don't know what should I do next. I don't know if I can achieve things again. I don't know if someone out there would see that this is me trying. I don't know if I'm making my old self proud being who I am today. I don't know if this is all enough. I don't know if life is going to be okay. I don't know if I can support myself financially. I don't know if I can make my parents proud. I don't know why I wake up every day feeling lost and confused.

Is this the cost of leaning to self love and unlearning bad habit?

I still think about the hug that we shared.

I still think about the way you replied to my chat.

I didn't appreciate you enough. I realized getting a reply shortly after I sent it, is my bare minimum. And I love you for that.

I love that you said safe trip to my i'm on my way message.

I love that you reacted my messages with heart emojis.

I love that you told me that you're thankful I took you to karaoke- because it was on your to do list- because you wouldn't go otherwise. I am the one that thankful, actually, because you said it to me. I wouldn't know otherwise. And I realized not everyone would say these things like you did.

I love how expressive you were and wordy your messages were. I can be myself, and all of myself, even during texting, when I'm with you. And I didn't realize it was a priviledge to met someone who you can be with youself with and know how to treat you right.

I hope if we ever find ourselves together again, I see you and you see me. As we were there

I don't know why I keep making this small seed of hope knowing it won't be fruitful, not as I want it to be. Am I holding on to you by wanting to keep talking with you, although not as much as we used to do? Am I still processing to finally completely let you go out of my life?

Why does man have to be so selfish? Why man can't just accept someone who said she wants to love him? Why can't he just give her a chance? How is he so into himself that he won't make a space to let someone else to learn to love him? Why can't he accept the love, try to grow with it and atleast try to learn them back?

I just realized why being a friend to somebody does not always feel fun and easy.

While I was looking for a friendship; someone to share my days with, someone who want to listen and I care about, someone to have fun together with, someone who actually want to get to know me and curious about me, he is just open to casual talk, casual friendship, a friendship in the spectrum of low maintenance. He enjoys someone's company but too focus to improve himself he does not make space to be curious of other people.

And I just realized why it feels heavy on me

My takes on "Hamnet (2026)":

You don't have to go through it; to feel the pain, the grief, the anger and at last the peace of getting a closure, to understand what the characters feel

I was ugly crying from the moment Agnes delivered the twins, mistaken one to passed, to the end of the movie. Now I can clearly see how different each person cope with grief but still, all of them are real.

Indeed, a very good movie and well deserved!

#hamlet #hamnet #movie recommendation #movie review

Recently, I started practicing mindfullness in my everyday life.

Talk to people mindfully. Chat people mindfully. Listen mindfully. Spend my money mindfully. Eat mindfully, and I am trying to use my time daily mindfully.

So far, it felt good in my body as well to my mental health.

Just this week, I guided some new students in my campus. It was a group of four. During the application for this position, I promised myself to be a helpful friend for the new students. I know first hand how confusing and overwhelming it was coming to a school so far away from home, and in a place where you don't know how to read the letters let alone speak a word of it.

So when I helped to pick them up and guided them to the dormitory, during the walk I was reflecting of my old days; the thrills and excitement of being abroad and this time not for 5 days but a year or more. But also there were days when I felt confused and frustrated that I cannot communicate myself better to the friends I made in this new school, new city. I felt a sense of proud and warmth in my body. I think both came from realizing how far I've come and adjusted to this place. Also, it felt like I was helping myself who was also lost at that time. I was smiling during the whole walk.

Thank you for being kind to yourself, and others, dear me.

P.S. it's true what they said: Be kind and share it with others. It multiplies (the warmth that I felt on myself from the first thought and intention of being kind, sharing it, and see their faces... it multiplies)

To you,

I saw a video recently that said, "If you still have a chance to let someone know what they mean to you, don’t leave it unsaid." It really inspired me, and I wanted to share these thoughts with you today.

Lately, whenever you pop into my head, I’m reminded of our conversations. I keep thinking back to that walk and it’s funny to think that one chat led us to where we are now.

These past years have been quite a journey for me. But through that, I realized I have not really try to understand myself and be more loving to myself, so I've been taking these years for me to breath. Then you came along, and talking with you felt like sitting on the grass by the river. You’re fun and genuine, but above all, you’re someone who truly understands. I admire your perspective on life and the way you seek out the "ordinary" and peaceful days. Even though I’ve only been far from home for several years, it can take its toll. But your presence made me feel so much less lonely. I’m truly grateful that, despite the distance, you always make the time to talk.

You are a warm person and a rare kind of friend. Having lost friends in the past whom I can never see again, I’ve learned how important it is to cherish the people I have right now.

I just wanted to send these thoughts to celebrate you.

Nobody talked enough about the connection between two people; A enjoys B’s company for the comfort that A feels, B enjoys A’s company for the conversations that opens mind and perspectives. While both want to stay, one of them is feeling the imbalance that slowly making it heavy to hold. The reason is obvious; B felt heavier in terms of the effort in maintaining a long-distance friendship. B believes that connection need maintenance and relationships does not work unless both parties try by doing their part to keep it.

Is B demanding and mistaken of the concept of connection and relationship?

B feels frustrated but also does not think that it is fair to confront this with A, because B also thinks that it is up to one’s will; how much time or effort they want to put in the connection. For B, confronting would mean demanding. And if a force is put into a relationship, at some point, B believes it would break it. And after all, maybe it is what B is afraid of.

Thoughts:

I saw somebody wrote,

"Not being predictable, be someone with some “mysteriousness” is the way to make the other person get interested because by being mysterious, if they want to know, it will motivate them to pursue."

I am not sure if keeping yourself mysterious, in another word, holding back some pieces of you when you obviously know that you are interested in the other person is being honest with yourself— at all.

People are different you know. I see this kind of opinion to be very strategic, making other people want to pursue you. I, on the other hand, am the type who don’t hold back. I express my interest through my actions and my words. I become someone who is very curious about the other person’s thoughts, feelings, like and dislike. Then I tend to proactively approach them. Chat them regularly, just so that I know what they’re up to. Ask them if they’re interested in having dinner together, or hangout together, or have a donut together, or have a coffee together. The thing is… when I become interested in someone, I become invested in them and sharing a quality time kind of my way in showing it.

And while I agree that having hobby is very important and good for one’s development, I believe being a little addicted to the other person is not a bad thing. When I’m interested in someone, I invest my time in them. To me, it’s something that I must sacrifice. While ruminating on the other person is not healthy for one’s mental health, I do believe if that’s a process for one to be able to make the sense of all the signs (data) that were shown by the other person, and a step that determine whether this interest would be fruitful or should be fold, then taking sometime to ruminate on the person can be necessary. So that when a decision is made, make sure there’ll be no turning back or second guessing the decision.

Silently, I was hoping you would drop me a "hey, what are you doing, wanna talk?".

Frankly speaking, there were moments when I want to hit the send button but I refused. Not because I was afraid to bother you, but because this time I want to protect myself. If you notice, all these time I was always the one who asked and initiated the connection.

You said we are friend. You said i'm your good friend. You said you are comfortable with me. But how come I feel like I'm the only one who's making the effort to keep us? It's like I'm always the one who offer and you just surf with what's given. Isn't the feeling of needing each other should be mutual? How come you only drop me a message when you need something from me? Were you being honest when you said we're friend?

I'm really curious, how do we measure a friendship? Do you only want me when I'm convenient for you? Am I expecting too much of us? I don't blame you for having a life because I also have mine. But really, how much it cost to drop me a message?

Honestly, I'm quite disappointed because I got my hopes up and expected more from you. But I feel like we see a friendship in a different level or intensity.

[In a process of letting what bygones be bygones]

Playing We're not really strangers was so fun!

Prompt: What do you feel right now when you look at me?

My best friend told me,

"I'm just happy, and I feel safe"

She made my day. Girls are the besttt♡

Oh to be met with congruence

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