Growing Pains

/Diary of a cult survivor/

[runningupthestepsofomnibuses]

I ran across this article by mistake, but it pulled me in immediately My experiences growing up weren’t as extreme nor were they inflicted by my parents. (I was in the odd position of having parents who were much less strict and encouraged more free thought than the community in which we participated).

But still. So much of this article felt so familiar. I read it and wanted to send it to at least five quiverfull/patriarchy movement girls who were my friends in high school.

Then I got to this part.

Read the four gospels. Every single day. Take a break from theology, and let go of what is right and what is wrong. At the end of the day, your salvation rests on Jesus alone, and he cares only for your heart, not for how much you know. Pay attention to what he talked about most: Compassion, healing, taking care of the widows and orphans, dealing out grace and mercy, overlooking tradition for the sake of love, and making people new. Our first command is to love one another, and you will not be able to do that with judgement and bitterness in the way.

Yes.

I love knowledge. I love theology. I love Calvin. I love Jonathan Edwards. I love hearing people argue about what happened in Nicaea. All of these things are important. But at the end of the day its about Jesus and love and grace and sacrifice. And if you can’t get that straight, nothing else matters.

[sorrowandtriumph]

I was taught as a child that my duty until I was married, was to serve my father as if he was my husband. This would prepare me to be a good wife. What did that look like? It looks like making my every moment about serving my dad. Cleaning his home, cooking his food, making sure that his every desire was met from the time he woke up until he fell asleep. 

So many of my friends were abused by their fathers. They were taken advantage of. They were made to believe that it was their fault for not being good enough daughters. They were taught that this was the way that they would be treated by their future spouses. We were taught that our purpose in life was to serve our current abusers and to look forward to our father giving us to a man of his choice- so that the man he gave us to could abuse us in the future. 

Excommunication was a blessing. It hurts, but not as much as a lifetime of isolation and abuse would have. Here’s to a better future.

[sorrowandtriumph]

Some colors are not more sinful than other colors.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[taronzegerton-archive-deactivat]

some of you haven’t spent countless hours thinking up a whole universe in your head to escape to and it shows

[sorrowandtriumph]

Guilty of an Education

Out of all my friends, I am the only one who got more than a 7th-grade education.

As a girl, I didn’t need to have an education. I needed to know how to run a house and care for little ones. Education meant that I would have opinions, ideas, it meant me being smarter than the man that I was arranged to marry. We couldn’t have that now could we?

I used academia as an escape. I wanted to learn everything. Yes, I was pulled aside by church leaders to be told that this would make me less eligible, that it was sinful, and that I needed to repent. I repented of the pride that caused me to desire to know new things, but I kept on learning for the sheer love of learning.

Now I’m a college student. I’m still learning, and I still love learning. Does the guilt ever go away though? It weighs so heavy on me. I wonder if one day I will be able to say “I’m a college student” without waiting to be reproached. I wonder if one day I will be able to share about a book I’ve been reading, or tell someone a fact I know, without worrying that they will shun me for it. I just wish that I could erase the part of me that is ashamed of who I am.

[sorrowandtriumph]

Questioning Everything

These days I question everything. I question every single truth that was ever told to me. I was taught so many lies that it is hard to believe the truth. I question my own mind, my own memories, surely things weren’t as bad as I thought- but they were. The thing that I question most? I question whether or not it was truly a cult. The answer is always a resounding yes. 

This blog is to give me a place to voice the things I’m learning, the questions I am asking, the guilt that ways me down, and a place to share how I got to where I am now.