Bruce: The next agenda item—
(His phone buzzes.)
Bruce: ...
(He silences it.)
Diana: Everything alright?
Bruce: Yes.
Hal: You're lying.
Bruce: I am.
Barry: Who's calling Batman during a Justice League meeting?
Bruce: It's nothing.
(The phone immediately starts ringing again.)
Bruce: ...
Clark: You should probably answer it.
Bruce: They'll stop.
(The phone stops ringing.)
Bruce: See?
(It starts ringing a third time.)
Bruce: ...
Arthur: That sounds urgent.
Bruce: It isn't.
J'onn: Batman.
Bruce: J'onn.
J'onn: Your heartbeat indicates resignation, not concern.
Bruce: Correct.
Hal: Oh, now I really want to know who's calling.
(The phone rings a fourth time.)
Bruce: Excuse me.
(He answers.)
Bruce: What.
Seven voices at once: BRUCE!!
Bruce: Why are you yelling?
Dick: JASON STARTED A FIRE!
Jason: I DID NOT!
Steph: HE ABSOLUTELY DID!
Jason: IT'S BARELY A FIRE!
Tim: THAT IS NOT HOW FIRES WORK!
Damian: Todd has committed arson.
Jason: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!
Cass: Big fire.
Duke: Like... really big fire.
Bruce: ...
Bruce: Define "big."
Jason: That's subjective.
Bruce: Jason.
Jason: Bigger than a toaster.
Tim: It's in the kitchen.
Bruce: Jason.
Jason: The old kitchen.
Bruce: ...
Bruce: What happened to the kitchen?
Jason: Depends who you ask.
Steph: IT EXPLODED.
Jason: "Exploded" is a strong word.
Tim: THE OVEN IS IN THE POOL.
Arthur: ...How?
Bruce: I don't know, Arthur.
Dick: Bruce, don't be mad.
Bruce: Richard.
Dick: Jason—
Jason: Don't throw me under the bus!
Dick: You drove the bus into the house!
Bruce: Stop.
Everyone: ...
Bruce: One person speaks.
Everyone: ...
Bruce: Now.
Everyone: ...
Bruce: Fine. Damian.
Damian: Todd attempted to prepare garlic bread.
Bruce: ...
Bruce: Jason.
Jason: In my defense—
Bruce: No.
Jason: Fair.
Damian: He neglected to remove the packaging.
Jason: I forgot.
Steph: IT WAS PLASTIC.
Jason: I KNOW THAT NOW.
Tim: Then he panicked.
Duke: Then Dick panicked because Jason panicked.
Dick: Jason was yelling "IT'S FINE!"
Jason: It WAS fine.
Cass: Wasn't.
Tim: Then Steph grabbed the fire extinguisher.
Steph: Like a responsible adult.
Tim: She sprayed Jason.
Steph: He was closest.
Jason: I WAS NOT THE FIRE!
Steph: You were emotionally the fire.
Clark: *snorts*
Bruce: Clark.
Clark: Sorry.
Hal: Don't apologize. This is incredible.
Barry: Wait, is that everyone?
Bruce: Unfortunately.
Dick: Hi, League!
Steph: Is this on speaker?!
Bruce: No.
Hal: It is now.
(Hal taps the speaker button before Bruce can stop him.)
Bruce: Hal.
Hal: You're welcome, Spooky.
Dick: Hi, Hal!
Hal: Hi, Dick!
Barry: Hey, is Wally there?
Dick: Yeah, he's helping Alfred.
Barry: Can I say hi?
Bruce: Barry—
Dick: WALLY! YOUR UNCLE IS ON THE PHONE!
Wally, somewhere in the distance: TELL HIM I'M BUSY TRYING TO SAVE JASON FROM ALFRED!
Jason: SAVE ME!
Alfred, faintly: You are not escaping, Master Jason.
Jason: BRUCE, HELP.
Bruce: No.
Clark: That's fair.
Jason: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FATHER.
Bruce: I am.
Jason: ACT LIKE IT.
Bruce: I am.
Jason: THIS ISN'T SUPPORTIVE.
Bruce: Neither was the kitchen.
Barry: I'm crying.
Hal: Bruce has seven children and somehow none of them know how to cook.
Tim: Excuse me.
Hal: You know how?
Tim: No.
Hal: Thought so.
Damian: Pennyworth forbids us from entering the kitchen unattended.
Arthur: That's... concerning.
Steph: We have color-coded privilege levels.
Diana: Color-coded?
Cass: Green. Can cook.
Duke: Yellow. Can make sandwiches.
Dick: Orange. Supervised cooking.
Tim: Red. Absolutely not.
Barry: Which one is Jason?
Everyone on the phone: BLACK.
Jason: RUDE.
Steph: It literally says "If Jason enters the kitchen, notify Alfred immediately."
Hal: There's a sign?
Dick: Laminated.
Clark: Bruce..?
Bruce: I didn't make the sign.
Alfred, louder now: I did.
League: ...
Alfred: It has significantly reduced insurance claims.
Arthur: Insurance claims?!
Tim: You'd be amazed.
Jason: ONE TIME.
Cass: Nine.
Jason: Details.
Hal: This is the funniest thing I've ever heard.
Bruce: I fail to see the humor.
Clark: I don't.
Bruce: Of course you don't.
Clark: They're adorable.
Bruce: They are committing property damage.
Clark: Together.
Bruce: Clark.
Clark: Listen to them. They're calling you because they trust you.
Bruce: They're calling me because the oven is in the pool.
Clark: Still counts.
Barry: Aww.
Hal: Oh my God.
Arthur: He's smiling.
Diana: He absolutely is.
Clark: I'm not.
J'onn: You are.
Clark: Fine. Maybe a little.
Hal: Superman thinks Batman's disaster children are cute.
Barry: Write that down.
Clark: They are cute.
Bruce: They are twenty-five percent cute and seventy-five percent expensive.
Dick: We heard that!
Bruce: Good.
Steph: Rude!
Jason: I think we're at least forty percent cute.
Damian: I refuse to be categorized with these barbarians.
Cass: Cute.
Damian: ...
Damian: Acceptable.
Clark: See?
Bruce: Don't encourage them.
Clark: I can't help it.
Hal: Dude, you're whipped.
Clark: Am not.
Barry: You absolutely are.
Clark: Bruce is a great dad.
Hal: Bruce's children just called him because one of them accidentally launched an oven into a swimming pool.
Clark: Exactly.
Barry: Explain.
Clark: They knew he'd know what to do.
Bruce: I do know what to do.
Dick: Really?
Bruce: Yes.
Dick: Great, what do we do?
Bruce: Put Alfred on the phone.
(A brief shuffle.)
Alfred: Good afternoon, sir.
Bruce: Is everyone alive?
Alfred: Miraculously.
Bruce: Is the Manor still standing?
Alfred: Mostly.
Bruce: Is anyone seriously injured?
Alfred: Master Jason's pride has suffered catastrophic damage.
Jason: ALFRED!
Alfred: Other than that, no.
Bruce: Excellent. Handle it however you see fit.
Jason: WAIT, NO—
Bruce: I'll be home in an hour.
Alfred: Very good, sir.
(The call disconnects.)
The meeting room is completely silent.
Hal: I have one question.
Bruce: No.
Hal: How does this happen every week?
Bruce: Practice.
Barry: I want to come over sometime.
Bruce: No.
Clark: Can I?
Bruce: You already do.
Clark: True.
Hal: Seriously, Supes, you find that endearing?
Clark: Absolutely.
Barry: They called Bats like kids calling their dad because they broke something.
Clark: Exactly.
Arthur: They are all highly trained vigilantes.
Clark: Who still call B when they accidentally destroy the kitchen.
Diana: It is rather sweet.
Bruce: It is not sweet.
Clark: Bruce.
Bruce: Clark.
Clark: You answered on the fourth call.
Bruce: Because they only call that many times if it's important.
Hal: Or if Jason's cooking.
Bruce: Those are the same thing.
Clark: You didn't even ask if they were telling the truth.
Bruce: Because I already knew exactly who did it.
Barry: Without evidence?
Bruce: Jason said "in my defense" before I asked a single question.
Hal: Fair.
Clark, smiling at Bruce: You're a really good dad.
Bruce: ...
Hal: THERE'S THE SMILE.
Bruce: There is no smile.
Barry: Supes broke Batman.
Clark: I didn't break him.
Bruce, very quietly: We still need a new oven.
Clark: I'll buy you one.
Bruce: I know.
Hal: Oh, that's disgustingly domestic.
Barry: They're impossible.
Diana: They really are.
J'onn: It is, however, objectively adorable.
Bruce: The meeting is over.
Hal: We still have four agenda items.
Bruce: Not anymore.
