A library for myself.

Sometimes, when I'm alone, I like to eat cardboard.

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About a month or two ago my mom said that i should be seeing an adult doctor now so I did and she did the normal stuff like getting some blood tests. It turned out that I had on type of liver enzyme that was increased by 15 points, but the rest is fine and I'm perfectly healthy. So I get three more blood tests to find out that somehow I have hepatitis C. What the fuck???? It's a liver disease and transmitted through blood to blood contact. I'm baffled as to how I got it. If untreated it leads to major liver problems/liver cancer, but I'm only 18 and in the past year they've come up with some really good treatment. Egh, this is really just more annoying than anything. I just hope I didn't give it to Josh, I'm not sure if he has healthcare? Oh, i really hope not. And my doctor said that society makes things like hepatitis a big deal for nothing; further more, sometimes a person's immune system can take care of it on its own. I might not even need to get treatment. If you're my friend, don't freak out because you 99.99999999999-100% didn't get a disease from me. Gah, this kind of sucks. At the latest blood lab I was also tested for HIV, because I guess people with hep. a-q are more susceptible to it. My doctor called today to let me know the blood results, she said I have hep c but did not mention hiv so, things could be much worse. This isn't the worst thing that could happen to me.

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I'm trying to figure out which of these will actually look good together. The bag and shoes are a definite.

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Religion is scary.

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Oh, no, this is not good. I can't switch out of my VHS class and I haven't been on in a week and a half and I'm going to be so far behind I see no way to help myself and I'm going to fail it and I don't know if counts but failing two classes means you're held back but i think thats core classes and the two VHS classes I have are extra. It's always the second semester that gets to me. I want to bash my head into a brick wall. Josh called me to make me feel better and I really hoe he didn't realize that I was crying. Making your voice sound like youre not crying is really freaking hard and I like Josh so so so so much btw 

and i dont feel like i deserve any of the fun things to come because im slacking but i dont know why i cant bring myself to do any of my work this is horrible

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this is driving me crazy. The other night i told him that drawing letters into my back is a great feeling and I'm pretty sure he wrote out 'I love you' and he told me he had a wish but he won't tell me what it is and i asked if he could just do the wish instead of me but he was like no you have to figure it out yourself and i think he wants me to say i love you because he said he already did his wish to me????? omfg

[coral]

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stop feeling sad omfg

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(I LOVE KISSING HIMMMMM)

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Last night was absolutely amazing and I loved every minute of it.

It actually started off pretty shitty because Josh's other job is snowplowing and it had snowed enough. But he finished by 10:30 and do you want to know what's open that late at night? Ihop.

After we ate breakfast neither of us wanted to go home, so we ended up hiking up part of Mt. Tom to a really nice view of the town. It was so lovely and I rested my head of his shoulder. On the way down we held hands and I was super okay with that, I'm super comfortable around him. \m/ In between everything there was lots of talking and driving aimlessly. We got dunkin donuts and pretended to be the police along the way haha 

By the time we actually felt tired it was 4am and he's a great hugger and I kissed him on the cheek which is better than no kiss at all ^.^

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I would really just love to kiss him omg.

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OH BOY I MIGHT HAVE MY SELF A BOY - I am actually so excited for the future! So today I discovered that Josh likes me, and I like him! Apparently he’s not really one to ask someone out, but I am totally going to make him. Yep. I can’t stop smiling like an idiot, either. Josh is a manager at my work if you didn’t know. I got the guts to ask another manager (Tim) what josh thinks of me and I am glad I did! Tim also gives really good advice like someone possibly hating me shouldnt rule my life, and everything will be okay if we end up breaking up and still have to work with each other. Yesterday Josh was talking to me and only Tim and him had headsets on; Tim kept telling him “ask her out, asked her out” but he didn’t sdasg. I think we work together tomorrow, we’ll see what happens. I’m going to try not to have a negative mindset.

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Just watched the doctor who Christmas special. It was okay, I'm not sure if that's because of moffat and what I've read or because I don't remember much of it. Now, because of the last scene, I'm thinking about the future and I really don't want to have to deal with it I don't want to grow up this sucks I feel like I'm wasting important time Theory: I'm thinking this way because I watch all of thses vlogers who have amazing and fun lives; these are people that have already gone through college and whatnot but maybe they've always just had the resources to do what they are doing now I don't want to go to the hair dressers because they lady will ask me about my plans for college but maybe I don't have any??? Other theory: I am just not able to handle this stuff.

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Boy, I sure do hate working at easthampton mcdonalds. If I was given the chose to go back I would say yes in a heart beat. But that's not going to happen and I'm going to have to deal with it. It seems that half the people that work here only know the personality if bitchyness and it's starting to rub of on me. I am in a horrible mood, but that might just be because I hate working there. Toward the end over my shify , multiple people from school that I don't like came in; there is a reason why I started working in noho.

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I went to Hallmark (Institute of Photography) the other day for an interview and I got in. Yayyy and I got a really awesome sweater at the goodwill. Anyway, one of the teachers looked over my portfolio saying "You don't see good portfolios very often, but your's is one of them". I don't even- what. Now all I have to do is look at my other options and maybe apply for a bunch of scholarships because Hallmark is $48,000 for the 10 month program. Jesus christ, that's a lot of money.

I don't think my mom entirely wants me to go there and my English teacher said that I can do much better. Apparently, Hallmark has this slight reputation for partying?? I don't get it, they interview you to see if you will be a good fit and the cost should deter anyone that is committed???

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I've just been in a horrible mood. Everything is annoying and I have no motivation. There's now way I'm passing Astronomy which means I can't be involved in the musical. I really do like that class though; I'm learning a lot, but what kills me is that when I do hand in work I get at least an 80.

A person told me that they'll probably make more money then me when they get a job as a waiter 2 days a week. That's not offensive at all, thanks for wondering. I would really like to think that a job at McDonalds is at least equivalent to a two day a week job. Yayyyyy. Fuck this shit.