My lens of hell @soulangel244 - Tumblr Blog

“My heart has cried more than my eyes will ever do.”

— Unknown

I just realized I get so fuckin frustrated when I want to go somewhere and I’m so excited about it and then whom I asked to go just takes a million years to get ready. Like this is my only day off and I’m here frustrated cause I wanted to get us snacks and go to the beach. Just do something nice for a change. Grocery shop, while at the farmers market and try new stuff I feel so fucking sad. I’m pissed almost. Everything has been rough and it feels like I’m bearing a weight that is not mine trying to be uplifting and it’s so fucking draining. Got stood up for a show I really wanted to go see with someone who promised. I’m overall just extremely disappointed. 😒

Another hard day.

I’m noticing people keep telling me

Things to keep me under the water..

Imagine having a dad who everytime you call him and express your emotions guilts you for having emotions. My feelings are never valid. I told him the other day I could probably never have him as my emergency contact because he never picks up the phone. You know how he responded?

“ *inaudible laugh* you aren’t the first person to tell me that.”

My own blood father. I don’t think anything that I expressed to him was a joke. His excuse he gets too many spam calls.

I lost my Tia almost a month ago I’m still grieving but it’s so hard to keep my emotions together. I have to show up as this happy positive and motivated person.

I get shit on at work by my boss who avoids accountability at all costs and incessantly gas lights me. Sure there are tiny mistakes. But I do my best to show up and it’s still not good enough. I run the oldest van in the company grooming dogs and cats and yet in the year and a half that I’ve been at this place my illness is come back and I’m off remission due to the fucking stress at work. I wish I had the chance to grow up normal. I wish I could come home and just hug my grandma and Laura and my other grandma but they’ve all passed. I come home to the silence that haunts me.

The longing to feel safe in the arms of my family is crazy.

Feel really lonely