A love letter to fencing-
I’m not entirely sure if this is stuff I can say out loud, mostly because it will result in me crying. People ask me if I’ve been enjoying it, and I stick with the basics: “It’s been really fun! It’s helped a lot with my mental health.” Everyone responds “I’m glad :)”
But it’s much more than that. I have been chronically burned out since autumn of 2023. For longer than that, I have struggled with more than just burn out: never feeling like I’m doing enough, never feeling like I’m doing the right thing, the constant feeling of letting someone down, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, anxiety making me so severely nauseous that I can’t get homework done, depressive episodes that make me no longer want to go to school (something that has been my favorite activity and associated with my self-worth), apathy, an eating disorder that has made it hard to focus because of the constant obsession with food.
For at least the past four years, it’s been a cycle of constantly trying to push through and just wanting to give up on everything. There were periods where I stopped talking to my friends unless they were in my classes and I needed help on homework.
I started failing classes. I retook them and did better but was left even more burnt out and those wins never felt like an accomplishment to be proud of.
Autumn of 2024, a friend of mine introduced me to fencing. I was nervous because I don’t like being bad at things and meeting new people is awkward. That first practice, I learned the basics, got super sweaty, and had the most hilarious bout with my friend. I don’t remember the last time I felt that genuinely happy. I was running on a high I had never felt up until that moment. So I stuck with it. How could I not? I had fallen in love and I wasn’t about to give up something that made me feel truly alive.
Then my grandpa passed away. I broke. He was my biggest, and loudest cheerleader in my life. While the rest of my family was saying things such as “Why aren’t you doing art in college?” “Wow, this is really difficult, we would have dropped out by now. But you’re still going!”, my grandpa was saying “I’m so proud of you. You’re studying something truly amazing and I cannot wait to learn more about your studies and see where you go.”
I stopped showing up to classes. Cried almost every day for weeks. The day I found out he was in the hospital, I still went to fencing. It was my happy place. I ended up crying too much to actually practice but just being in everyone’s company made me feel better. Fencing continued to be the one constant throughout that semester, despite me struggling in school and struggling to get myself out of bed each day. It became my motivation to exist.
Spring semester of 2025, it continued to be my motivation to exist. Even when I was apathetic and depressed, I’d try to show up, regardless of how much I knew I’d actually end up fencing, because even if I was still apathetic and depressed after practice, it had lessened in severity.
Fencing made it difficult on the eating disorder. My thoughts would tell me to not eat but my brain would tell me that I had to eat or else I wouldn’t be able to fence. I started eating three meals a day on practice days which are three days a week. On days when there isn’t practice, it’s a bit harder to get myself to eat but it’s been a cycle of eating too much and eating too little on those days. Before fencing, it was easier to let the ED thoughts run wild because there was no way people would actually know that I was having issues. There was no risk of me getting nauseous or passing out cause I would always eat enough that it would allow me to walk throughout the day until I got home. I don’t have that “luxury” with fencing. If I don’t eat, I can’t fence. If I can’t fence, I’m sad. While it’s still something that I’m really struggling with, fencing has made it more bearable because it’s shown me that I really, really do need to eat.
On top of all of that, I love the community. The family that I’ve gathered at the fencing club has made me feel wanted, loved. I’ve been on plenty of sports teams in the past but none even hold a candle to this team. They charge my social battery. They’re crazy, hilarious, kind. Through all of their silly attempts to help me through offering me Gatorade when I’m sad to telling me “If you’re going to die, go next door so we don’t have to do paperwork” when I’m having a panic attack.
This fencing club has helped me in a way that I never could have imagined. It has gotten me through really difficult times and I foresee it helping me through even more.
So, thank you Still Point Fencing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for making me feel alive again. And thank you to my friend, without you, I wouldn’t even know Still Point existed.
All my love,
Lauren
