thoughts

[spacek]

He told me he hadn’t felt this calm in a long time. Which had me thinking about the last time he felt calm. He was thinking about her. I knew it. I suddenly felt like there was somebody else in the room. Somewhere in the far reaches of his mind, she would always be there. In every intimate moment we shared, a bitter shadow forged between us.

The problem with first loves

[spacek]

I don't think I've had an enriching conversation with someone in months, it’s kinda bringing me down. I'm finding it difficult to convince myself that it’s not because no one wants to talk to me and that it’s just temporary, and one day I will find someone who wants to know who I am on the inside. I have to keep telling myself that it will happen eventually because I can't stand the idea of being alone with my own thoughts forever. I want to show someone the world through my eyes. And I desperately want to see the world through somebody else’s. Of course time spent alone is enriching, but lately a lot of that time is spent thinking about what it would be like to really know somebody. Not just the version of themselves that they project onto others. I want to know somebody to the same degree that they know themselves. I want them to share their experiences, their fears, their fetishes. And I want to share mine with someone who would die for me.