I'm a Mess

27 year old female just trying my best

[spaceoddball1969]

Falling for the Freak Masterlist

Hi all! It’s been on my mind and also brought to my attention that it’s a bit of a challenge to find early chapters of this fic. So, here’s a masterlist! I’m going to keep this pinned at on my page and will update it as more chapters come out.

Also I realize that the last chapter released was labled as 21.5. It definitely was supposed to be 20.5. I was having a moment last night and my brain broke while writing that chapter.

Falling for the Freak Masterlist:

Chapter 01 Chapter 02 Chapter 03 Chapter 04 Chapter 05 Chapter 06 Chapter 07 Chapter 08 Chapter 09 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 16.5 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 20.5 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26

[spaceoddball1969]

I firmly believe that me and my teacher bestie could win Survivor if given the opportunity and this is the hill I will die on.

[spaceoddball1969]

Somehow I always end up being the one frozen out by my boyfriend. I disagree with him over a tiny thing and now he won't talk to me. I point out one stupid thing that I don't like about how he does something and now he hates me. This is bullshit.

[spaceoddball1969]

Good lord help me be mature in this conversation that I need to have.

[spaceoddball1969]

I'm going to kill my boyfriend. He has the opportunity to get something he wants but because he won't reach out to the person who could give him that something he is complaining that it isn't working out and that this person is cringe. All he needs to do is pick up the phone.

[spaceoddball1969]

Today I saw a man that at one point in time I wanted to marry. We never dated. I just crushed hard on him. And you know what, he didn't have a glow up over the last ten years. He definitely down graded lol. And I felt nothing about him. It was very strange.

[spaceoddball1969]

I calmly asked my boyfriend to please work on not interrupting me so often and now he's not talking to me and playing the guitar alone in his office.

[spaceoddball1969]

I had a dream last night where I fully got to communicate to my ex how mediocre he is/was and it was incredibly satisfying.

[spaceoddball1969]

So my ex girlfriend from literally 6 years ago messaged me last night to say hi and ask how life has been lately for me...and I don't know what to say, if I even respond that is.

This ex and I ended things where she was messaging me constantly to get back together and that she didn't even understand why we broke up in the first place, which was ridiculous because I told her that I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore because I was putting in way too much effort with her when she barely would give me the time of day.

Anyway, she did apologize for her behavior six year ago, which I appreciate, but I really don't know if I want to allow that door to open again. I also am worried she is trying to get back together with me because she would always talk about how I was the one.

Despite what I sometimes vent about on here, I love my boyfriend more than anything and we're basically planning our wedding, so I'm not available and never plan on being so again. And even if I was, I wouldn't want to get back with my ex girlfriend because of how things were for us originally.

What do I do? Do I even respond to her text?

[spaceoddball1969]

I swear sometimes my boyfriend acts like I'm his mother or something because I'm supposed to just magically know when things are empty and need to be rebought and I'm supposed to make sure he schedules appointments with his doctors and dentists and eye doctors. And I'm also supposed to just do all the chores and the dishes and laundry.

I'm fucking masters candidate at the moment. I don't have the time or brain capacity to be mother as well. Nore do I want to.

[spaceoddball1969]

I hear so much about weponized incompetency but we do not talk about weponized complaining. For example, my boyfriend had a tough day and so I decided I would take care of cooking dinner, which was easy because it was just a flatbread pizza. After dinner, I was super exhausted because I've had a long day as well, and asked if he would be ok taking care of the dishes, so I could go jump in the bathtub and relax. He agreed, also the dishes were 3 cookie sheets that we cooked the pizza on. And within two seconds he's complaining about the cheese being stuck on the sheets and how it's going to take him forever to clean them. He also was doing it in the most convoluted and stupid way possible. So I stepped in and just said let me do them and you can relax. And then he got all defensive that he could clean them himself and I should just go take a bath. He also then dropped his argument and went to play guitar, so it worked out perfectly in his favor. I'm so frustrated right now and he's acting like nothing even happened.

[spaceoddball1969]

I don't know how I manage to constantly be such a fuck up but I just can't seem to stop.

[spaceoddball1969]

Approximately four years ago I watched Midsommar for the first time with my toxic ex boyfriend. When we were reaching the end of the movie, about the time when Christian is going to impregnate Meja in the creepy orgy scene, my ex was like "oh this scene is really weird and awkward to watch, I'm going to fast forward it" and until yesterday I never had seen that part of the movie.

Last night I watched it with my current and wonderful boyfriend and I was like "oh I've never seen this part because my ex made us skip through it" For the last four years I thought my ex didn't want to watch that scene because it was a sex scene and we were just starting to date and his mom was around. But now I know that he probably didn't want to watch that scene because of Christian's full dick being on display! This revelation has brought me great joy.

[spaceoddball1969]

Today was a really good day because I got to spend the entire thing with my best friend in the entire world who I haven't seen since last August.

[spaceoddball1969]

I love my boyfriend and how he lets me scream about the world using the most vulgar vocabulary imaginable and doesn't judge me.

[spaceoddball1969]

My uncle died today. It's such a weird feeling losing a family member that you were not particularly close to. Especially when the people who have been close to them have a complicated relationship with them. I feel that while I mourne for the loss of my uncle but I truly mourne for my dad who has now lost another brother. I know he loved him deep to his bones even though sometimes he couldn't be around him. I hope my uncle's rest is easy. For now I'll play an Elvis tune for him and put a good thought out into the universe for his children.

[spaceoddball1969]

After having gone through my teacher education program and having now been teaching for a year and a half more or less, I just have to say this. There needs to be more emphasis on informing future teachers about the realities of violence in schools. Teacher candidates need to be talked to about how because of the world we live in, teaching is now a profession where you are choosing every day to potentially put your life at risk. I don't regret becoming a teacher and I obviously still love my job, but I didn't pick this profession because I wanted to fight bad guys and save people. No teacher did. We'd be cops or firefighters if we did.

I have gone through several professional developments now regarding protecting students from active shooters and every time I've watched my coworkers and felt myself tense up as we think through all the horrible things that could happen if we don't act fast enough. Because, in case you don't know, once you're our student, you're our child. I don't care if I'm not old enough to actually be any of their mothers. I love them with every fiber of my being and if someone tried to harm them I would fight to the death.

But I just wish that young teachers were more informed, more prepared to feel this overwhelming sense of responsibility. It shocked me when I first started teaching and I started crying thinking of what I would do in a situation where I had protect my students from a shooter. It's too much pressure to put on people who got into their profession because they love learning and they love children.